I couldn't believe my water had broken. We were on our way to the hospital and I reclined my seat hoping it would somehow help. If there was a tear in the amniotic sac, I wanted to do everything I could to keep it from rupturing. It seemed to be somewhat working though I could still feel little gushes coming out. When I got out of the car at the ER I felt a pretty big gush. It kept gushing as we were walking to the door. Fuck.
We got to the desk and I told them I'm 13 weeks pregnant and I think my water is breaking. I could still feel the gushes. My pad was soaked. I broke down then. Sobbing. Andrew holding me. Giving them my information when I felt like everything was going wrong...again. They got us back right away.
I hate the ER so much. I never wanted to be in there again. Everything takes forever. As if it doesn't already seem like every minute is the longest minute of your life when something like this is happening to you. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown. It was weird; the pad filled with fluid had a yellow tinge to it. I know it's supposed to be clear. I knew it wasn't urine but I tried to think that maybe there was hope. They came in and put an IV in; in the crease of my arm. Why the heck do they put it there?! Everywhere else they seem to frown upon that as a location for an IV so why do it? You have much less mobility when it's there. Anyway, she couldn't get it in the first vein so she moved elsewhere to dig around and got it in. Ouch.
When the doctor finally came in they decided to do a fern test to determine if the fluid was amniotic fluid or not. I will always hate that doctor. I then knew why my doctor had said the stitches were too high to examine with a speculum without anesthesia. That is certainly in my top 3 most painful experiences of all time. Apparently my crying out in pain didn't mean anything to him because he kept pushing and prodding and moving it around. That fuck head made me cry. In the end, the test was inconclusive. We were sent down to have an u/s.
Guess what, it was the same tech that did the u/s when we lost Holden. Déjà vu. At least he was in a better mood this time. After my already painful speculum experience, this was only about half as bad, but it still hurt. I just felt like I couldn't take any more. The u/s lasted about 20 minutes and we got to go back up to the ER to await the results. About 45-60 minutes later the doctor came in with the results. It looked like it was amniotic fluid that leaked but there was still fluid around the baby. The tech put it at normal but he would say that it looks low normal, at best.
This guy is not the kind of guy that looks on the bright side. More like the brutally honest kind. Here's a little hope but it's probably not going to turn out that way for you. Still, in the end, he decided that since there was still fluid around the baby, an inconclusive test about what the fluid really was, though he was pretty sure it was amniotic fluid, the baby still being alive and my cervix closed, that we should keep me overnight for observation and then do another u/s in the morning. There still was the possibility that it could be some discharge or fluid from an infection trying to clear itself out. Maybe it wasn't called for, but I had some hope. My baby was still alive and even if I was leaking fluid, there was still fluid around the baby. That's good, right?
We went to Pediatrics Plus to spend the night. Andrew decided to take Cora to his mom's to stay over since we didn't know how long our hospital stay would be. While he was gone they decided to get a clean urine sample by cathing me, since my original urine sample and showed increased white blood cells. They thought it could have been contaminated by whatever the fluid leaking out of me was. I thought it would be no big deal, I've had this done before. I thought it might hurt a little more since I had no spinal to numb the pain. Ok, it was a new kind of extreme pain. The nurse was super nice and had done them before but she slipped when she did mine, if she was even putting it in the right spot. She got another nurse to come in and do it. If she had done it the first time, it probably wouldn't have been so bad, but I was hurting from the first time so this stung too. Of course it accidentally slipped out after a while, so painful, so I had to finish on the toilet. I have never almost doubled over from peeing before.
Finally I got to get in bed for some sleep. Andrew got back around 3:00am, I think. They were going to wake us up at 6:00am to check vitals. I didn't get much sleep, maybe a couple of hours. I kept having to get up and go to the bathroom, which of course caused me to cry out in pain a few times, scaring Andrew once. They came and took my blood at 6:00am. We got in for an u/s an hour or so later. It was just a quick abdominal scan to compare the results from last night. She was very quiet. I was looking at the screen and getting scared. Why wasn't the baby moving? Where was the flickering heartbeat?
When the doctor came back up to the room to tell us the results, they weren't good. There was no heartbeat. He wanted to transfer us to labor and delivery to get the cerclage out and to induce labor, since I wanted to pass everything naturally instead of a D&C. I wanted a baby to hold after it was all done. I broke down. Even though I knew chances were slim, I was really hoping for good news. I told them to contact my regular OB since they didn't last time. I thought it would be nice to have a familiar face in there. She came up only 15 min later I think. She happened to be in the hospital that day. It was really comforting to have her there. She told me to make an appointment to see her for middle of next week.
Then we had to wait. They first said we would be getting into labor and delivery around 9:00am, then 10:00, then it was looking like another hour. It was finally past noon when we got in. In the meantime, we decided to call our parents. Not a call you want to make. They had been waiting for updates since we told them we were in the hospital. It was difficult news to give, to say the least.
Finally, we get moved and things went a little quicker then. They gave me some pain meds and we got ready to roll. They say taking the cerclage out isn't too bad, it's pretty quick and not too difficult. I don't know what they use to take out the cerclage normally, but even with Fentanyl, it was painful. Luckily, I had a really nice nurse who held my hand the whole time. When it was done he said I was almost a cm dilated and the umbilical cord had been pulled into my cervix when the water broke, even with the cerclage in, which is what caused the baby to die. That was some hard news to hear. Then they gave me some Cytotec to induce labor.
It really didn't take that long. I was bleeding, but nothing too intense. At one point I had some gushing fluid, so I called for a nurse to come in, but they never sent anyone. Apparently they never told her I called because when she came in to check on me she had no idea that I had called. I needed to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel anything coming out of me, like last time, plus, it was still only a couple of hours since the Cytotec. The nurse seemed fine with it. So, I squatted to go pee when I felt something coming out and I couldn't stop it. Luckily they had a hat (or whatever they call it) in the toilet, which measures urine, or the baby would have fallen into the toilet. Still, it was pretty mortifying that I just delivered the baby in the bathroom. That and there was no umbilical cord attached which meant the placenta was still inside of me.
The nurse felt so bad and got me back to bed right away. She called for the doctor, who decided to wait to see if I passed the placenta, if not, he would give me more cytotec, and if I didn't pass it within a few hours of that, I would have to go in for a D&C. While we waited for that to happen, we got to hold the baby. It looked almost just like Holden. A little bit smaller though. What a difference a week makes. We couldn’t tell clearly what sex the baby was, but the doctor's best guess was boy. Unless they ever tell us for sure, which I don't think they'll test for, we've decided not to say it's a boy or girl either way. It was just our baby. Another beautiful little baby. All fingers and toes intact with their little nails. My poor, helpless, lifeless baby laying there in my arms. Another perfect angel that will never experience the joy of life. Another difficult moment. A nightmare that I had to live over again.
Long story short, even with the cytotec, I was never able to pass the placenta. It wouldn't detach. We had to go in for them to suction it out. I was put under for the procedure. When I woke up my throat hurt like it's never hurt before. It was from the tube they stuck in my throat. Andrew was there and had a cup full of ice chips to feed me. They minimally helped with the pain and only while they were in my mouth. It took at least a good hour before it didn't constantly hurt. After that it just felt like I had an extremely sore throat.
The procedure went well. We went back to L&D soon after. They decided to let me have some crackers and something to drink to see how I did and if I could keep it down then they would discharge us. I was able to keep it down though every time I took a bite of cracker I would fall asleep. I hadn't slept more than a couple hours in 48 hours. I was so ready to go home. We were discharged around 10:00pm and finally drove away from the hospital 30 minutes later. We went to Walgreens to pick up my perscriptions, which was going to take 30 minutes, so Andrew dropped me off at home and went back later. I just laid in bed and as soon as Andrew got back, we crashed. It had been the longest day of my life. Another day filled with heartbreak and destroyed dreams. I had horrible dreams that night about needles being stuck in me and blood flowing like a river out of me. Unfortunately, waking up wasn't much better. I still felt like I was in a nightmare but I can't wake up from this one. It is my life.
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