Sunday, April 24th, was Parker's one year anniversary. I spent over an hour making a birthday cake from scratch while Andrew grilled up some steaks. I wanted to make it a celebratory evening. The cake turned out great but the frosting was a little....weird tasting. Next time I will use real butter! I didn't cry all day, which kind of surprised me. Honestly, I was in a pretty good mood. Just remembering Parker made me happy. I had my sad moments though, especially when I was making the cake. If my sons were alive I'd be spending time to make them cakes, so should it really be different because they're not here? Anyway, doing something helps me feel productive, like a real mother.
Now that a couple of days have gone and the reality of passing another one year mark has hit me, I am left feeling pretty hopeless. Why am I still not pregnant? While we are still TTC, I've pretty much given up all hope that this is ever going to happen for us. Andrew even made a comment that he's surprised we're not pregnant already. That surprised me because he hasn't exactly been enthusiastic about all the timed BDing over the last 10 months.
The idea that AF could show up in just a couple of days and start the beginning of month 11 is depressing. What is wrong with me? I'm starting to feel like my body is severely off-balance. It just doesn't make sense that I would get pregnant twice on the first try but not get pregnant after 10 months of trying this time around. I haven't been blogging and I've taken a break from Babycenter for the last month. I just needed some time to myself and a break from focusing so much on TTC. I quit most of my supplements (extra folic acid, B12, baby aspirin, occasional B6 and fish oil). I'm just on prenatals and Metformin. I was only on prenatals when I got pregnant the first two times so the conditions must have been right. I wonder if the supplements were throwing my body out of whack?
I had a two and a half week lapse in Metformin this cycle thanks to my stupid fucking insurance. Three days before I needed to refill my prescription I got a letter saying I had reached my limit in picking up 30 day refills for a long term prescription. I would have to pay full price or mail order 90 day refills. I don't ever remember reading this in our insurance info! Not a huge deal except that it could take a week to process and another 7-10 days to ship! I tried refilling my script anyway while I waited for the pills to come in the mail but the insurance delayed it by a week, at which point I figured it wasn't worth it to pay $20 for 20 days' worth of pills when I was going to get them in the mail in a week. Part of me wondered if I shouldn't just take a break from the Metformin too. I decided that after all the GI tract issues it caused working up to the full dose that the sooner I got back on, while something might still be in my system, the less painful it was going to be. Also, what if I do have PCOS? What if that has been one of the leading causes for my losses and I was just lucky to get pregnant before? I can't take that risk right now. However, if I'm not pregnant by the time the 90 days runs up, I'm going to stop taking Metformin.
At that point I'll be seeking answers about infertility anyway. I meet with my doctor May 18th for my annual exam, at which point I can talk to her about the upcoming one year mark and pursuing answers to my infertility. I just can't explain to you how much it sucks to not only have multiple losses, but to now be suffering from infertility! I can't believe that if Holden had lived and made it to his due date, he would be turning one in May. In June it will be one year from when we started trying for our third child. That in August it will be two years from the first time I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 when I found out I was expecting Holden, 24 when I found out I was expecting Parker, but I'll be lucky to be 26 before I give birth to a baby, if I ever do.
I just don't have it in me to be optimistic anymore. My hope is quickly fading and I'm starting to realize that the possibility I may never have biological children is a likely scenario. Why does this have to be so hard?
