I've been hesitant to post on here. I think it's all out of fear. I guess I should start with the news. I'm pregnant. Two days after my last post I took a test and it was positive. I find it funny that while I was posting about how I'm afraid I'll never be pregnant or have a child, that I was in fact pregnant. I'm 7 weeks and 3 days today.
I thought about posting right away, but I thought I would wait until I knew it would stick. I was so worried about another chemical pregnancy. I got a positive when I was about 3w5d and then took tests everyday for about 7 days to make sure they were getting darker, which they were. Thank goodness for those internet cheapies! Then I decided to wait to post the good news until our u/s at 6w2d. We were measuring pretty exact to my dates, within a day. Nice strong hb of 128. Since then I've just been too scared that if I post the news, then something bad will happen and I'll have to write another post about how I lost the baby. Stupid, huh?
The day after the u/s, I had my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual blood draws and swabs and she added a couple for infection as well, per the perinatologists suggestions for this pregnancy. Found out I have a small SCH again, like last pregnancy, but it's so small they couldn't measure it. Of course it has me worried. I started my Lovenox injections that day as well. That was what I was most terrified about in a subsequent pregnancy (other than losing the baby). It took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to do my first shot, not helped by Andrew saying "I thought you said the needle was just going under the skin....that looks long," but since then, I've been able to do them more easily. I'm pretty proud of myself! I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to stab myself in the stomach with a needle everyday. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant! The needle stab itself really doesn't hurt...most of the time, but the medicine burns like crazy! Icing the injection site before and after, and slow injection has really helped. I think I'm starting to get into a groove and finding out what works the best for me. 7 shots down, only 270 more to go!
I got a call a few days after my appointment saying that all my tests looked fine, but they did find Group B Strep in my urine. Normally they don't worry about this until labor, at which point they give you IV antibiotics, but since they found it so early, they decided to go ahead and have me take a 10 day course of oral antibiotics. For the most part, Google confirmed what the doctor had told me, but I decided to see if it's associated with miscarriage and found a few articles/studies done that believe it could be associated with recurring miscarriage and second trimester losses. Also, if they find it in your urine then your vagina is heavily colonized. Great. Another thing to worry about.
Sunday afternoon, at 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom and had a gush of blood. Hasn't this happened before during my previous two pregnancies? Andrew and I called urgent care and they had an OB in the office, the same one we saw during our first pregnancy that told us I was effacing. He did an exam and said the cervix was closed and felt fine. We got scheduled for an u/s at the hospital. They found the hb right away, a little stronger than last time at 141, and he/she had grown since the last u/s, so that was good. It was relieving to see that there was still a baby in there, but the bleeding has completely taken away all of our optimism. We were trying so hard to be positive this time because I'm on Metformin and Lovenox and the OB is consulting with a Perinatologist. This dragged us right back down to an uncomfortable level of fear and panic.
It would be dumb to expect a different outcome given the same series of events occurs in each one of my pregnancies. No matter what outward influence we exert on my body, it doesn't seem to have an affect. We want more than anything for this baby to live, to hold him/her in our arms in January, but we just can't visualize it. As much as we are hoping for the best, we are expecting the worst. Andrew and I had a nice long talk and decided if we make it into the second trimester again, or further, and lose another baby, we will probably stop trying. The idea of experiencing that level of pain even one more time is too much. In some ways, our losses have brought us so much closer together, but they have also put a huge strain on our relationship.
I hate that this is even a topic of conversation when I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I wish we could just have a normal pregnancy and know that we will take this baby home, but we have to prepare for "ifs." I hope so much that I won't have any more bleeding and this pregnancy will be very successful. Please send positive thoughts our way if you can.
