Is there anybody in there?

I took a pregnancy test on Valentine's Day. Even though I was only 9 DPO I figured that there may be a chance of an early positive. I even dreamt about it all night. I had a dream where I had the pregnancy stick and took it in to the kitchen to look at it because I didn't want Andrew to see what I was doing. The second line appeared and it was so dark that the dye slowly covered the whole white part. In my dream I knew it meant it was super positive. I did it again to show Andrew to see if he saw. He did. Then I woke up to pee on the stick and get a big fat negative. I knew that it was still pretty early and not likely, but it was still a little disappointing.

I'm noticing symptoms but trying to ignore them. I'm afraid that they're in my head or that dear Aunt Flow is being a tricky bitch and wants to get my hopes up before showing up and breaking my heart. First symptom- frequent urination. Seriously! Over the last week I've had to pee so much more often and I've been waking up in the middle of the night to go, just like when I was pregnant. I've had to start watching what I drink before bed again. Second symptom- sleeplessness. Since about two days after ovulation I've had the hardest time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep and then I constantly wake up to toss and turn. Once I get up to pee it's almost guaranteed that I will not be getting back to sleep. These are the symptoms that I believe the most in. These are not things I can fake or make up and they're not period related. I don't drink more than I ever have during the day, so that's not why I'm making more trips to the bathroom, and I can't make myself wake up at all times of the night.

Third symptom- break outs. I've have been having some horrible breaking out lately. Before I got pregnant my skin wasn't great but it was pretty under control. Once I was pregnant it became worse than high school acne. I've been working on it since the miscarriage and it's actually gotten a lot better again. Granted, I do break out a little before my period but not usually two weeks before and it's not usually this much. Forth symptom- increased appetite. This is one I worry that I could be making up entirely. I've noticed I've been hungrier lately and getting more cravings. I had been dieting/eating healthier up until a couple of weeks ago so that could be it too. I wouldn't bet anything on this symptom.

I think the number one symptom that made me know I was pregnant before was breast tenderness. I haven't experienced that yet, which I thought I would by now. I think they are more tender now, as of yesterday, but it's so hard to tell. I squeeze them just about every hour to check if they're sore yet so I may be the cause. I have noticed my nipples are quite a bit more sensitive than usual, even by period standards.

I wanted to get down what I'm going through as something to look back on. Either my period is coming back with a vengeance or I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant then I can look back and see that it's pretty neat I had that dream about being pregnant. I had all those symptoms and I wasn't just imagining them. Then again, maybe I'm crazy. TTC has a way of doing that to women. Oh wouldn't it be nice if this all meant something and that I will have good news soon?

In other news, I had a pretty great Valentine's weekend. On Friday I got a delivery of flowers to my work! What a sweet husband I have! Then on Saturday I got a delivery of a rose to the house with a message that said "Someone thinks you're special by sending this rose. Look for a Valentine message in the Coloradoan on February 14th." Then we went to see Valentine's Day. Overall, I enjoyed it. I definitely can agree with what some critics are saying, specifically my husband, but I liked it. It's no Love Actually, though. Then we went grocery shopping and bought ingredients for a spectacular Indian dinner. We made chicken curry, Indian style basmati rice, and naan. It only took us four hours! It was the naan's fault though. It had to rise for 2 hours altogether, I think. It was quite amazing if I do say so myself.

Those were our original V-day plans, but Andrew got tickets to an Eagle's hockey game and we weren't going to have time to make it after. On Sunday I read the special section of the paper where people wrote Valentine's to their loved ones. What a sweet message Andrew put in there to me. Aw. I'm one lucky woman to have such a romantic husband. Later we went to the hockey game which was a lot of fun! We ended up leaving about 5 minutes early when the game was tied because we bought steaks to cook for dinner and the game lasted another 30 minutes. We literally turned onto our street when the game ended. It would have been a great game to stay for but at the same time we missed the crowed and got home 40 minutes earlier than we probably would have otherwise. We made another amazing dinner of pan fried New York strip steak, garlic mashed potatoes, rolls, and veggies. It was so good!

I have to say it was the best Valentine's ever! I'm happy with life. I have the best husband in the world. There's only one more thing I could think to ask for...

Only time will tell

I started this blog after my miscarriage, and though I do mention it in every post, I realize I've been overly cautious and I'm unsure why. I think a lot of it has to do with trying again. I'm so terrified of people knowing because of the "what-if" factor. What if we do get pregnant? What if we don't? What if something goes wrong again? This defeats the purpose of starting a blog in the first place! I wanted a place where I could write down my feelings and figure out what's going on in my mind and heart instead of freaking out in silence. Then I thought no one probably reads this anyway. :)

First, I want to talk about updates in the part of my life that don't involve trying to conceive (TTC) because those are easier and more straight forward. As for the weight loss goal...I fail. After a week I got to 121lbs, which was 1lb short of my goal. I was so proud of myself! Then the next day I get on the scale and I'm back at 123lbs. Seriously?? It's been fluctuating daily but staying in the 122lbs range. I'm ok with that because I'm only 2lbs heavier than I was when I was pregnant before, which the doc said was totally healthy. It's my fault because I've stopped working out. Horrible, I know. I just haven't been motivated. I'm going to try and start doing light exercise again soon; it's just too much to deal with right now.

That leads me to the TTC portion of today's post. I have learned more about conception than I ever thought possible. I know about the changes in a woman's body, hormone surges, tests to predict ovulation, and so much more. It's pretty amazing the signs we are given that "it's time" and yet we may not even notice or be aware of. Right now I'm using ovulation predictor kits (OPK) to determine when I ovulate and the best time to baby dance (BD). I have anything except a normal cycle and here on CD18, still no ovulation. I'm really starting to understand why so many women find OPKs frustrating! Based on my cycles (30-35 days) I should ovulate by this weekend at the latest, otherwise I have faulty tests, I didn't ovulate, or I missed the LH surge that they detect. I hope I just haven't ovulated yet and it's coming soon!

I'm really starting to get discouraged. It was so easy to stay positive and optimistic at first. We decided to go with the sperm meets egg plan. I started doing the OPKs, negative at first, then a faint line...which pretty much hasn't gotten any darker in a week. I know every brand is different and even from woman to woman they can have dissimilarities, but I was hoping I would fit into the norm. When I got to CD15 and the line still wasn't any darker, that's when I started stressing. I don't want to stress. A big part of me was already setting myself up for a BFN (big fat negative). I figured if I didn't have any expectations or hopes then I couldn't be let down. That's not me though. I know once I'm in the 2WW (2 week wait) I will be obsessing over every symptom and taking pregnancy tests like it's nobody's business. Either way, I would have been able to stay calm until after ovulation, my first "obstacle," but since it hasn't come yet I'm already driving myself crazy! Those damn test stripes are tormenting me with their unchanging lines!!

I'm not overly stressed but if I continue to obsess about this I'm afraid that I will be under too much stress to conceive. TTC is supposed to be fun but sometimes it's hard to be spontaneous and passionate when you're on a schedule. And many people will tell me to just relax. Easier said than done. Those people don't know what goes on in the minds of woman who have lost their child. It makes you constantly afraid. It takes away your ignorance and naivety. I will never be one of those women who are just happy and excited in their pregnancy thinking that nothing can go wrong. I will always have this underlying worry that at any moment my child's life can be taken away from me for any known or unknown reason. That is what drives us. Our desire to have a family more than anything in the world and our fear that it could happen again. Every time is another set-back. Every time another piece of your heart is broken beyond repair.

Patience is not one of my strong suits. I'm a little depressed that this hasn't gone exactly the way I thought it would so far but I just have to be patient. I can't already be preparing for the worst! I just need to take it one day at a time. I want it to happen NOW but it doesn't work like that. I think that will be one of my goals over the next few weeks- trying to work on being more patient. After all, if we do get pregnant, that is going to be a necessity over the next 9 months so I better start working on it now!