May is a hard month

This has been a difficult month full of painful dates. First, we lost Parker at the end of April. That grief obviously carried over into May. Then, we get to May and the first date we approach is Mother's Day. I've always loved that day because I appreciate my mom so much for everything she has done in my life and I like to spoil her a little.

This year, it was a sad reminder of what I'd lost. I'm a mother with no children to hold. No matter how much I feel it in my heart and know it, society will never think of me as a mother. Andrew and I celebrated our mothers, but there was no celebration for me. No one told me "Happy Mother's Day." I had asked Andrew if he would tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and he forgot. It wasn't until he knew that I was upset at him that he remembered. This will always be how things are until the day I have living children. When I finally have a child, that will be my first baby to everyone else, probably even to those who know I've had miscarriages. I'll know that is not true and that I have two sons whom I love dearly. They may not have spent much time on this earth, but they have changed my life forever and will always be in my heart.

The following week, May 16th, was what would have been Holden's due date. This was actually a much harder date for me than Mother's Day. I really tried to distract myself and just enjoy the day with Andrew but I couldn't help but feel sadness. It was a beautiful day. It had been rainy and cold just the day before but that day it was hot and sunny. I should have been celebrating the birth of our first son, not mourning the death of two sons. It would have been a perfect day to welcome him into the world. I had looked up ideas of how to memorialize your angels and really liked the idea of memorial gardens or planting trees/plants. We rent, so it's not worth the work of doing something like that which we wouldn't be able to take with us.

We decided to get some nice plants, one for each baby, and plant them in nice pots. I also decided to repot a plant Andrew's mom gave us awhile ago, that was outgrowing it's pot. I decided that it could represent us since it had once been a single plant and had become two. I replanted it in the pot my Valentine's flowers came in. I realize they don't exactly match, but I thought the heart pot was a fitting representation of love. I probably won't always have them together like that anyway. When we move I'd like a special place for them. We got blue pots because they were boys. The one on the left is Holden's plant. As I've said before, we named him after the character in Catcher in the Rye. The character was a protector of children. This plant has vine-like growths that are like outstretching arms. The one on the right is Parker's. His name means protector of the park so the plant needed to be tall in order to keep a watchful eye over everything. It's nice to have something to look at and remember my babies. I couldn't give them life, nurture them, and watch them grow, but I can do that for these plants.

Unfortunately, the plants took a bit of a beating. See, we got a new dog last week. Andrew and I had been talking about it for awhile, only 2 years or so, but the timing never seemed right. Well, we figured why the heck not. Meet Milhouse, the newest beagle of the bunch (he's on the right) walking next to Cora. He also has horrible separation anxiety like Cora. We have worked with her over the last 3 years and she has become much mellower but still has her moments of whining when we leave. Well, we needed to go to the store yesterday and decided to put the baby gate up like we always do for Cora (to keep them confined to the bedroom). We found out he is a jumper. He jumped over the gate and ran to the window the plants are in. I had the curtains open like in the picture above and he was desperate to look out of the window apparently.

When we came home all the plants were on the floor. Soil was everywhere. I immediately burst into tears. I was so upset. These weren't just any regular plants. They were special. These were my babies' plants and he destroyed them. Holden's plant took the least damage, only losing a couple of leaves. Parker's plant lost the most leaves and several were broken in half. The middle plant is back to a single plant. When it fell, one of the stems broke off from its roots. I have it in water to see if it'll re-grow its roots, but I don't know if it'll work. Overall, they look fine and no one else would ever be able to tell they were damaged. I sure hated that dog for the rest of the day though.

Tomorrow is our appointment with the perinatologist in Denver. I'm not sure what to expect. It's just a consultation but I'm hoping that at least some chain of events is started. I don't know if they can do any blood work since it's only a month out from losing Parker, but it would be nice if they could. I want some answers. I've been doing a lot of research and recurring pregnancy loss could be a result of clotting disorders, structural abnormalities, or hormonal imbalances. There are other things but they don't apply to me. I'm really leaning towards clotting disorder at this point. I've had bleeding in both pregnancies and a clot in the last one. Well, that's the only clot they found, but who knows, I could have had one the first time too. That has to a sign of something. Even if they can't figure it out, hopefully they can be more proactive, get me on progesterone, which can't hurt, and have me take a daily baby aspirin. I'm willing to do anything! I really hope they find something that is fixable. I can't go through another loss with no answers. That is another heartache I can't deal with. I am my best advocate and need to make sure that I get the right tests done and the right treatments. I hope that tomorrow is very informative.

Employee Complaint

After talking with my husband and my mother about the inappropriate conversations my supervisor had with me, I decided to file a formal complaint. Normally, I would never be so bold, but I was pretty enraged in my emotional state. I sent an email and then the Director of Operations requested a phone call to talk more in detail about the situation.

Her name was Kim. She was really nice. She first got all the facts and then told me what was done wrong and her proposed actions. First, she told me I should have contacted them first before I returned to work. Since the contract company required a doctor's note for my leave, I wasn't cleared to return before the specified date. My supervisor was wrong in requiring me to return to work immediately after my miscarriage. Before, I didn't know what to do. I just assumed that the facility I worked at had the say-so. She agreed that it was totally inappropriate of Brandy to be discussing medical issues with me. I am an employee of the contract company, not of the facility I work at, and thus can't be required to disclose medical information with them. Also, she felt bad about Brandy getting on my case for not working enough the first week. She said that as a manager, as a person, she should show some compassion. It wasn't like I was sitting at my desk not doing anything for three days. It was nice to have someone actually ask how I'm doing. I didn't even get that courtesy from people I've worked with for the last two years.

She talked to the administrative staff at my facility and they decided to send out a general notification on contractor policy. Procedure for leave and what can and can't be discussed with contractors, such as medical information. It's nice that no one will get singled out so it won't be obvious that I complained, but at the same time I'm upset that Brandy will not be reprimanded for what she said. She'll never know that what she said was inappropriate or that it hurt me. At least something is getting done and maybe it will make some people aware of proper procedures.

Work is getting a little better. Brandy and I can communicate about work but that's it. I'm no longer going to be nice enough to ask her about her personal life. Which, she never was nice enough to ask me about. I still desperately want to find a new job though. I can't go through another pregnancy while I work there; not with a bunch of insensitive people. For now I'll just keep looking and feel lucky to at least have a job for the next 7 months.

Pointless follow-up

We had our 2 week follow-up on Monday with the doctor that did the cerclage. At least that's what we thought. Originally the appointment was meant to be my 16 week appointment but became my follow-up, only the Women's Clinic didn't get the memo. I feel I should point out that when we went in for a cerclage consult a month ago, for our second pregnancy, the computer system said that I was 36 weeks pregnant with Holden, our first child. I also received a call, just a week and a half ago, offering support and sending informational materials for the loss of our son, Parker. They're not exactly on top of their game.

Anyhow, when we went in for the appointment it was still scheduled for my 16 week follow-up and it was with some PA who I had never met before. When I scheduled the appointment I specifically asked for the doctor that did my cerclage and was told that he was who it was with. The nurse felt really bad about her mistake, carrying the doppler out of the room, and Andrew said she seemed extremely awkward after I said "this is our 2 week follow-up to my miscarriage." I didn't notice. She said she would notify the PA.

Well, once the PA came in and opened her mouth we realized the appointment was pretty much useless. The advice she had to offer was that it could have been a bacterial infection, which often happens when you have an incompetent cervix (even though everything I "passed" was free of bacterial infection and they found no infection in my urine?). She said the docs I had seen at the hospital during the m/c were in the building at the time and she had talked to them and they suggested I see a peri, which we already have an appointment with. Also, that there are other cerclages and options we have, like an abdominal cerclage and more bed rest.

I realize that she was seeing a patient she had never seen before and had to read my medical history out of computer files just 10 minutes before she met me, but I was still upset. First off, I wanted to see OUR doctor. Second, I wanted some more answers or ideas of what it could be. Even if it had been our doctor I thought that we would probably come out with no new information, but he seemed like a knowledgeable and proactive doctor so I thought maybe we could learn something! I really doubt that both losses have been on account of IC or bacterial infections due to IC. She said something along the lines of waiting until after we see the peri. My plan all along.

On the other hand, she did look in the system and confirm it was a boy. That's what the doctor's guess was and what I thought all along, though I was having some people tell me it was a girl, but it was still...profound. Prior to that, we had decided not to give our little one a name, me referring to him as pumpkin. In a way, this helped with my grief. Even though I saw and held my baby, I didn't necessarily identify it as anything but my child. Now he had more meaning. This was my second little boy. Now I had to mourn my two sons.

I cried on the way home. Now it wasn't "I lost my second child." It was, "I lost my second little boy." I decided that we must name him. I didn't feel right giving the baby a name when we weren't sure what it was. Even if we would never know for the rest of our lives, I didn't want to think fondly upon a little girl if it was a boy, and vice versa. Now that we knew, it seemed wrong to not give him a name. A lot of baby name sites have sibling names, so that's what I looked for. Andrew and I originally saw Holden in a baby name book. Andrew liked it right away because it's the main character in "Catcher in the Rye." I haven't read it, yet, but Andrew told me that character is essentially the protector of children. He catches children running through a field before they get to the edge and fall off of a cliff. It seemed so appropriate. It just seemed to fit. I later found out that the character's last name, Caulfield, potentially refers to "caul," the protective membrane around a child (amniotic sac). Even more fitting. Among Holden’s sibling names, I came across the name Parker. I have always liked that name. When I looked it up, it is literally the protector of the park. I felt like it had such connection with Holden. Protector of the park teamed with the protector of children in the field. Both protectors, both have connections with nature. The names seem well suited for each other. I miss my Holden and Parker. I hope they know I love them and miss them so very much. I miss you, my little boys.

Back to work again

In a word that couldn't possibly sufficiently expresses my feelings towards returning to work, being back has been awful. There it is. I have been back to work for all of 4 days and I have never wanted to quit more. The thing is, I don't especially like my job in the first place. It pays well, it will look good on a resume, and I gained quality experience the first year I worked here full time (I worked summer and winter breaks as a student hire a year prior). However, I am no longer gaining any more experience or responsibilities than I did the previous 2 years, I'm not at all passionate for the work I do, and the workplace is full of drama.

On the first day back, it took all my effort to attempt not to cry constantly. I succeeded in the not constantly part. The drive to work was difficult. It was so final. My baby is gone so I have to go back to work. This, of course, made me cry. I tried to only let myself cry a little though; I didn't want to set precedence for the rest of the day. Yeah, totally didn't work. I cried on the walk to my desk. Just being in the building, walking by people I hadn't seen in a month was enough to overwhelm me. I also cried at my desk. I came back on the first Wednesday of the month, which is when we have lab meetings. I skipped it. I decided there was no way I could be around everyone my first day back. Instead, I went down to my mom's office to talk. I told her how difficult it was being back and how I was afraid everyone would ignore me, which would make being back so much worse. She said she had told people and was sure they wouldn't ignore me. I was hopeful but knew, under certain situations, the same person will almost always act the same.

Everyone has been ignoring me. I can tell they're uncomfortable when they look at me. Jason and Roselyn are the only two people that actually said "I'm sorry" and talked to me about my loss. They're the only two people I'll really miss when I leave. Brandy asked a couple of times how I was doing but I could see how uncomfortable it made her feel when my eyes filled with held back tears, ready to burst, just to say "ok." I wish they could understand what I'm going through. At least then they would know that not talking about it, not acknowledging it, only makes it worse for me.

Tuesday seemed a little easier until I got a "I need to talk to you" email from Brandy. Actually listening to her was extremely difficult because I was trying so hard not to cry the entire time. She wanted to make me aware of how difficult it was to approve my working from home while I was on bed rest. It was just so difficult and even after I was on bed rest, so many people got involved and it was just a big mess. Just to let me know, for future reference, if/when I get pregnant again, working from home will not be approved. Also, when I get pregnant again, and of course she understands my reasons for wanting to wait to tell but, I have to find a way to let her know I am. That way, in case there are BSL-3 viruses (the kind you don't work with when you're pregnant) that need to be screened, she can do them so we don't get behind, especially when they're for shipments. Not that it's happened before, mind you, but for future reference.

WTF?! First off, totally inappropriate and unnecessary conversation. The last thing I'm thinking about 10 days after I lost my baby, and my second day back at work, is getting pregnant again. I don't care if I get approved for working at home; if my doctor says bed rest then I'm doing it. I don't really care how hard it was to get me approved to work from home because it wasn't my idea in the first place. I told you I was looking into short-term disability, which my contractor totally would have approved, but it was your idea to have me work at home so I could get work done and still get paid at my hourly wage (short-term disability is 60%). Also, I'm not telling you when I'm pregnant. That is my business. OMG, I was so pissed and upset. I don't care what situation it is, it is not cool to talk about future pregnancies to a woman who just lost her baby. It's not like pregnancies are expendable and a miscarriage is nothing. I lost one of the loves of my life.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a workplace to request you notify them when you're pregnant. I'm still deciding whether or not I should consult my HR rep about it, thus reporting her. Whatever. I decided that her insensitivity towards my miscarriage was one of ignorance and a one time thing. I went about the next day and a half as "normal" as I could, though most of my time was spent on BBC. As sad as it is, it really does help to read other women’s stories and know that I'm not the only one. I wish no one ever had to experience loss but it's nice having other women I can relate to and who know what I'm going through. I left that Friday feeling relieved, thinking I had left the worst behind me and I could get back to work as usual.

Then today (Monday) happened. I currently feel like Brandy is a bitch. Also a part of her Tuesday talk was that she wanted weekly updates about what I accomplished for the week and what I planned to do for the following week. I don't think this is unreasonable in itself, but the fact that she's all the sudden implementing it right after I come back from working at home, after I've been working for her for 2 and a half years, is suspicious and upsetting. Well, today she reminded me about sending it to her, which I did. She responded by saying I didn't do much work for the first 3 days I was back and to please do more work in the future. There is a lot of work to be done, etc. I told her that I was sorry and realized I didn't do that much work but to please understand I'm grieving, that was my first 3 days back, and my work is picking up this week. She then responded by saying that she understands I'm grieving (though she clearly has no idea what grief is) and it's not a big deal since my work is picking up, but if I'm coming to work and getting paid then I need to be working and if I'm not, that's a problem. Now things are completely awkward between us.

Here comes another WTF?! I knew I didn't do that much work. It's been so hard to focus on work when my mind is elsewhere. I have no motivation right now. I came back to work before I was ready because we couldn't afford for me to take unpaid time off. However, I admitted it and apologized for it. It was also my first fucking 3 days back. Seriously, how about you let me settle in before you start scolding me? Once I admit it and tell you my reason why, is it really necessary to continue to tell me why you don't care and that I need to get more work done since I'm getting paid? The thing is, she made it sound like I wasn't doing any work, though I was. I just wasn't doing as much work as she thought I was should be. Any person with a heart would give me time to settle in, but no, I have to be at 100% productivity from day 1. I think it's worth mentioning to me if it becomes an ongoing problem but was it really necessary to mention it to me after my first 3 days back after I had a miscarriage? I feel it's important to point out that she is super workaholic chick. She's the person that only takes her lunch at work and is on the computer working while eating. She also comes in on weekends. I feel like she expects much more from me than my position requires. She expects me to do the amount of work she does when I'm 4 years younger in a temporary positions vs. her permanent full time employee position. I'm all for doing the work I'm getting paid for but I'm not about to use my lunch breaks to get more work done than necessary when I’m in a non-career position.

That has been my life at work so far. I hate my job more than ever. I don't think I have ever gone from being completely indifferent about someone to extreme dislike so quickly. I'm desperately trying to find a new job. I thought about school, though I don't want to get a masters in my field, and I'm kind of liking the idea. I would really like to get a certificate/degree as a medical laboratory technician. It's something I thought about doing even as I entered college and it really appeals to me. Unfortunately, I can't find any local schools with that program, the closest being Colorado Springs or Denver (1+ hours away). There might be a school in Greeley (30 min away) with that program but I will have to look more thoroughly. I would really like to do online for at least a portion of the course if I can. It's a position with a lot of potential and I would start out making at least what I'm making now. I could take out more student loans (not ideal but necessary) and defer current student loans in repayment which would be helpful right now. I've set a deadline that I must find some jobs to at least apply to by the end of this weekend and/or have a list of schools that I want to apply to. I'm determined to get out of this job by the end of next month. It's not healthy for my currently emotionally unstable self to come home crying every day because of work. Ugh. Why can't life be easier?

10 days

Well, it's been ten days since I lost my second little one. It seems like so much time has passed and like it could have just happened yesterday. Time changes in grief. Hours and seconds tick by in a completely different way than for everyone else. I feel lost in time and the days are meaningless. I think that's because I've been pretty worthless lately. Andrew and I have been off work, taking time for ourselves, and I don't think I have ever watched so much tv; not even last time. I'm sure time will start making more since when I go back to work tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say about how I've been doing. The day after, when I woke up at home, no longer pregnant, I felt like I had been hit by a car. My entire body was sore and my muscles ached with every movement. During this time I found out that Vicodin does nothing for me. Great. I had to take Ibuprofen instead. My throat didn't hurt so much anymore but it was like I had lost my voice. I could barely talk. I was in shock that day. Everything felt like a dream; any minute I was going to wake up and I'd still be a perfectly happy pregnant woman.

My soreness went away after a week but I had new added pain during that time. My milk came in yet again. This time I had been more prepared, putting on two sports bras the minute we got home from the hospital. I didn't want it to happen again. I didn't get so engorged this time so it wasn't as painful. They've gone down quite a bit already but they're still sore. I hate so much that my body does this. There is no reason for it. Damn hormones.

I had my follow-up with my usual OB/GYN last Wednesday. Have I stated how much I like her? I've been seeing her for about 4 years and she seems to care so much. She genuinely wants to know how you're doing and is so good at listening and answering any questions we have. Andrew likes that she acknowledges and speaks to him too, unlike other doctors and nurses that seem to focus solely on me, the patient. Anyway, she referred us to a perinatologist. She is on the same page as us thinking that this is not related to cervical incompetence. We have an appointment May 25th in Denver to meet with the peri and hopefully get some answers about what is happening, why, and how to fix it (hopefully).

I'm happy to have that appointment scheduled. I want some answers. I think one of the hardest parts of loss is the not knowing why. It always hurts, but when you don't know why it sticks in the back of your mind, tormenting you. This loss was so identical to before but my cervix was fine this time. Andrew and I have talked and think that something is triggering me to go into preterm labor. The cramping and pain I felt was probably contractions. When they found my cervix effacing the first time, I think it was because I was already in labor, not that my cervix effacing caused my water to break. This time the cerclage was doing its job and holding the cervix shut. I think maybe that is why the cramps were more intense this time; my cervix was trying to open and shorten but it had to go against the stitches, which weren't budging. Still, what is causing this to happen? I wonder if the bleeding has anything to do with it. I've read that blood weakens the membranes and irritates the uterus, which can cause contractions. Everyone who I talked to or told about how much bleeding I had says that doesn't seem right. Even when I went to my doctors they never really had a definitive answer for me. Could I have a clotting disorder? A gene mutation? Is something wrong with my uterus? I hope these are questions the peri can answer. I want to be tested for anything that could cause this and figure out what to do so I never have to lose another baby.

In some ways, this loss has been much harder, especially for Andrew. We thought we knew what the problem was and we fixed it. I was on bed rest. We had so much hope that this was going to be our rainbow baby. We were doing everything right! I knew in my heart that we did everything we could and was so positive until I started bleeding. That's when I started having doubts about whether everything was fine. I was worried about every little thing. Andrew just thought I was being paranoid and stressing too much but I know my body. He was so convinced that everything was fine and didn't lose hope until the end. I think that's why it hit him so hard this time. It wasn't as much of a shock for me this time, though. Even though we were doing everything right, this happened before and we knew there was a possibility it could happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again and we had a much more horrible hospital experience this time, to boot. If I never have to see another hospital in my life, it will be too soon. I hope that a positive hospital experience is part of my future.

It is so hard to get to the second trimester and then have a loss. That is supposed to be the safe point. It's hard to even think about trying again. I know we will, but not until we have some answers. This has hit us hard and we may need more time to heal this time. It was still difficult trying again this last time, after a loss, but the second pregnancy was supposed to be fine since we knew the answer. We're back at square one again and don't know how the next pregnancy will turn out. Sigh.

That is too much to worry about right now. I have more imminent obstacles to overcome. For one, Mother's Day is this weekend. I thought I was starting to heal a little but with every commercial on tv or picture I see in a magazine, my heart breaks a little bit. I'm the mom of two angels. It's not fair. I know a lot of people don't think of me as a mom but in my heart I am and its only desire is to hold my babies. Also, the 16th of this month was supposed to be Holden's due date. I should be celebrating the birth of my child this month but instead I'm grieving his death and the loss of his little sibling. On top of all these intense emotions I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm terrified of it. I don't know how I can face those people again. I don’t want to see their sad looks, knowing that they feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity, I just want comfort and understanding. I really hope they don't ignore me again this time. That was so difficult and made me feel so isolated and alone. I want my baby to be acknowledged. He or she may not be alive but they existed and I loved them more than anything. I need people to know that my babies were real even if they aren't here with us. I miss and love them so much.