On June 10th I went to give blood for the thrombophilia work-up the perinatologist ordered. They said it would be about a week before results were back. Knowing that it's always longer than they say, I decided to give them two weeks to call before I called them. Two weeks came and went and I called them yesterday. The nurse said she had results for four tests. I couldn't believe they only did four tests. I understand that they're probably testing for the more common clotting disorders and it's not as intensive as it would be for someone with more losses or more signs of thrombophilia, but seriously?! FOUR?!?!
She told me what the results were as it was in my file, though the doctor hadn't made any annotations yet. Factor V Leiden was normal and Protein S and C were within the normal range though one of them was on the lower side (an 86 out of the 80-150 range it should be in). There was another test she didn't understand how to read so was going have the doctor call me back. I was at least happy to hear that those tests came back normal. I had lurked a bit on one of the BBC boards for women with thrombophila disorders and those were disorders that commonly required daily injections of blood thinners. No fun.
I got a call this morning from the office that said someone (lab personnel maybe) didn't see all the tests that needed to be run because two of them were in small print (lame excuse if you ask me), so I needed to come back in to give more blood. This is why the doctor hadn't called me back. She had been waiting for the results of those last two tests before calling me. I'm happy that there were indeed more than four tests to check for but annoyed that because someone didn't pay attention, I have to take off time from work to go back in and then wait at least another week before I find out the results.
I can still see the mark from where the last needle went in. I'm so sick of being stuck by needles. In the last 4 months I've had so many blood draws I can't even remember, not to mention IV's. Of course, when I'm pregnant again it'll only be more poking and prodding. Oh joy. I have a feeling that all the tests will be normal. It’s probably been due to infections like the perinatologist suggested which would be something easy to monitor and treat. I just desperately want an answer as to why my body is playing the role of evil slumlord and evicting my babies. My facilities are not up to code. What needs to be fixed? At least we're ruling things out.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
What's wrong with me?
Something is wrong with me. I'm stuck. I find it harder to be happy these days. I still feel sad a lot. I could probably cry several times a week, but I don't let myself. I hate feeling this way. It's hard to even fake being interested in things. I'll listen to other people talk about stuff and realize I can't pretend to care what they're talking about. It takes too much effort to pay attention and perform all the appropriate facial and vocal responses. It's been 9 weeks, which really isn't that long, but I wish I would feel better by now. It is so draining to feel this sad.
The only person I can truly be myself around, is my loving husband, Andrew. Those are the only times I'm happy. He's the only person that I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions with. Even if he does get sick of talking about everything that's happened, and if I'm upset and angry, he still listens. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad or negative around other people. It's not an "appropriate" way to act. It's not "appropriate" to make other people depressed because of my sadness. It's to the point where I don't care if I offend you. I'm not going to put on my cheery face when I don't feel cheery. If I want to be alone and closed off, well that's just how I want to be. I'm sick of having expectations for how I should be doing. I've lost two of my children, what do you want from me?
Why is it like this? I didn't feel like this so much after Holden. I felt like I went through normal stages of grief and then I was ready to try again. We "knew" the problem and were positive that it would not happen again. I could be happy because I thought it was a onetime thing. Now, we have fewer answers than we did before. Now, I know that it can happen again. Now, I'm terrified. It's not so much that I lost Parker, which hurts tremendously, but that my body failed again. I failed in my responsibility to protect and give life to my boys and I know that it may happen again. It hurts more because I don't know if I ever will be able to have a living child.
Bills are a big contributor to my unhappiness. It's not fair that a miscarriage should cost as much as a full term pregnancy. From the first pregnancy test I took at the doctor's office in February, to the appointment we had with the perinatologist at the end of May, we have owed $3,700. Seriously, that is what it costs for my nearly 14 weeks of pregnancy??? Of course, every bill is due within a month of it being sent and we've gotten them all at once. We're paying as many at a time as we can and the rest may have to be put on credit cards. This has led Andrew and I to argue about the best time to have a baby because all our money is going to pay medical bills. At the same time, we've met our deductible and out-of-pocket max, so other than co-pays, a lot of our visits will be free or 80% covered for the remainder of the year. I'm trying to look at that as a positive.
My self-esteem has also taken a nosedive. I've put on about 8 pounds with both of the pregnancies. It's not just the weight itself that bothers me, it's the way it's distributed. A large majority of it is in my stomach. I still have a baby bump. That, combined with all my comfort eating, has given me an embarrassing constantly bloated/pregnant look. I've tried working out a little but it is not going away. Then I get depressed and less motivated to work out. Even though I feel like I'm eating healthier than I had been and I've started walking and working out some, I see no progress. I'm embarrassed to wear my tighter fitting shirts and I even feel like I have to suck in when I'm wearing loose shirts too. I don't like my body. If I had a baby to show for it, I wouldn't care, but I don't.
Pregnancy has also left its devastating effects on my face. I have so many acne scars, it's ridiculous. They're so hard to cover up and, for me, they take forever to fade. I also keep breaking out and my skin has become even oilier than it was before. I'm trying natural remedies that I would be able to continue once I'm pregnant, but I'm not having much luck. Baking soda seems to help with active pimples and I'm trying vitamin E for scars, but I've read it's slow to act. Found out that tea tree oil breaks me out though it is good for reducing oil production. I've tried lemon juice before which worked, but it stings like a mother! Why won't my face just cooperate and look nice. I hate that I'll be 25 in 6 months and I still breakout like a teenager.
Really, it's just a bad day. I think AF is due to arrive in less than a week so I'm getting moody. Andrew and I decided we would try again after this AF. I've started charting, which I had tried previously but never got the hang of it. Taking OPKs and temping makes it so much easier. I also verified that I'm a late ovulator. I knew that when we were trying for Parker because that was the first time I used OPKs and didn't ovulate until CD20. This time I ovulated on CD21. I've always had longer cycles though they aren't regular. They can vary between 30-35 days in general. That makes TTC that much more annoying. I have to wait sooooo long. I’m also a bit terrified that AF is coming soon because that will signify getting ready to try again. I don’t even know if I’m ready yet. I hate that no matter what I feel, my desire to have a child is too strong to wait. I don’t know how much time I left or how many more miscarriages I might have, so I feel the need to continue on.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the things I have in life. I just need to vent now and again. I do have more good/normal days than bad, but that doesn't diminish the significance of the bad days. I'm still so incredibly affected by my losses. I just wish this wasn't my life. I wish right now Andrew and I had a beautiful baby in our arms instead of two that will never walk on this earth. Sometimes I feel like this isn't real.
The only person I can truly be myself around, is my loving husband, Andrew. Those are the only times I'm happy. He's the only person that I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions with. Even if he does get sick of talking about everything that's happened, and if I'm upset and angry, he still listens. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad or negative around other people. It's not an "appropriate" way to act. It's not "appropriate" to make other people depressed because of my sadness. It's to the point where I don't care if I offend you. I'm not going to put on my cheery face when I don't feel cheery. If I want to be alone and closed off, well that's just how I want to be. I'm sick of having expectations for how I should be doing. I've lost two of my children, what do you want from me?
Why is it like this? I didn't feel like this so much after Holden. I felt like I went through normal stages of grief and then I was ready to try again. We "knew" the problem and were positive that it would not happen again. I could be happy because I thought it was a onetime thing. Now, we have fewer answers than we did before. Now, I know that it can happen again. Now, I'm terrified. It's not so much that I lost Parker, which hurts tremendously, but that my body failed again. I failed in my responsibility to protect and give life to my boys and I know that it may happen again. It hurts more because I don't know if I ever will be able to have a living child.
Bills are a big contributor to my unhappiness. It's not fair that a miscarriage should cost as much as a full term pregnancy. From the first pregnancy test I took at the doctor's office in February, to the appointment we had with the perinatologist at the end of May, we have owed $3,700. Seriously, that is what it costs for my nearly 14 weeks of pregnancy??? Of course, every bill is due within a month of it being sent and we've gotten them all at once. We're paying as many at a time as we can and the rest may have to be put on credit cards. This has led Andrew and I to argue about the best time to have a baby because all our money is going to pay medical bills. At the same time, we've met our deductible and out-of-pocket max, so other than co-pays, a lot of our visits will be free or 80% covered for the remainder of the year. I'm trying to look at that as a positive.
My self-esteem has also taken a nosedive. I've put on about 8 pounds with both of the pregnancies. It's not just the weight itself that bothers me, it's the way it's distributed. A large majority of it is in my stomach. I still have a baby bump. That, combined with all my comfort eating, has given me an embarrassing constantly bloated/pregnant look. I've tried working out a little but it is not going away. Then I get depressed and less motivated to work out. Even though I feel like I'm eating healthier than I had been and I've started walking and working out some, I see no progress. I'm embarrassed to wear my tighter fitting shirts and I even feel like I have to suck in when I'm wearing loose shirts too. I don't like my body. If I had a baby to show for it, I wouldn't care, but I don't.
Pregnancy has also left its devastating effects on my face. I have so many acne scars, it's ridiculous. They're so hard to cover up and, for me, they take forever to fade. I also keep breaking out and my skin has become even oilier than it was before. I'm trying natural remedies that I would be able to continue once I'm pregnant, but I'm not having much luck. Baking soda seems to help with active pimples and I'm trying vitamin E for scars, but I've read it's slow to act. Found out that tea tree oil breaks me out though it is good for reducing oil production. I've tried lemon juice before which worked, but it stings like a mother! Why won't my face just cooperate and look nice. I hate that I'll be 25 in 6 months and I still breakout like a teenager.
Really, it's just a bad day. I think AF is due to arrive in less than a week so I'm getting moody. Andrew and I decided we would try again after this AF. I've started charting, which I had tried previously but never got the hang of it. Taking OPKs and temping makes it so much easier. I also verified that I'm a late ovulator. I knew that when we were trying for Parker because that was the first time I used OPKs and didn't ovulate until CD20. This time I ovulated on CD21. I've always had longer cycles though they aren't regular. They can vary between 30-35 days in general. That makes TTC that much more annoying. I have to wait sooooo long. I’m also a bit terrified that AF is coming soon because that will signify getting ready to try again. I don’t even know if I’m ready yet. I hate that no matter what I feel, my desire to have a child is too strong to wait. I don’t know how much time I left or how many more miscarriages I might have, so I feel the need to continue on.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the things I have in life. I just need to vent now and again. I do have more good/normal days than bad, but that doesn't diminish the significance of the bad days. I'm still so incredibly affected by my losses. I just wish this wasn't my life. I wish right now Andrew and I had a beautiful baby in our arms instead of two that will never walk on this earth. Sometimes I feel like this isn't real.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Title change
I decided it was time for a new title. What do you think? I think it's very fitting. When I started this blog after I lost Holden, I had no idea what to call it. Yeah, I was sad and upset, but I wanted it to be something conveying the hope I had for the future. I found a quote I liked and stuck it up there until I could think of a name. Then, when I lost Parker, I became less optimistic. I still have hope, of course, but that's not what I'm waiting for. I don't want to place all of my faith in hope because it will only get me so far, the rest is up to me. Now it's just a waiting game. I'm waiting for the day I get to bring home my rainbow baby.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Perinatologist
We met the peri on May 25th. We left an hour and a half before the appointment and barely made it. For the future, we will need to give ourselves more time in case we can't find parking. It was pretty ridiculous! Anyway, once we parked, we had the fun task of figuring out what floor and where the office we were looking for was located. When we found it, I thought it seemed very small. Of course when we walk in there are pregnant women and a couple with an infant. What can I expect; it is an office that also deals with pregnant women after all. Unfortunately I'm still in that stage of being jealous of other pregnant women mothers and bitter that I haven't been able to be where they're at. *sigh*
Anyway, I fill out 20 minutes worth of paperwork and then we get directions on where to go for the consult. The instructions say "ultrasound directions" and at the bottom there is a portion for non-pregnancy consult. The woman who gave me the paper gave me directions herself, altering some of the last bit for where to go, and sent us on our way. If it takes you more than 10 seconds to tell me where to go, how the hell am I going to remember it?! By the way, she was wrong on some of what she said.
We ended up finding it and getting to the right place. We met with the peri and she was super nice. Right off the bat she was asking the get to know you questions. What did you major in? What do you do? Oh, you two are opposites too? My husband and I are total opposites. It was awesome! Then she got to the serious stuff. What happened? We relived the losses and she gave her advice. First, she said there is no evidence that I have an incompetent cervix. It's possible, given I've had two LEEPs, but at this point, my cervix didn't behave in a typical IC way and thus, she doesn't think that's our problem. She said that a cerclage should never be placed in a case where there is any pain or any bleeding (I had both during both pregnancies when the one OB suggested cerclage) because it's a contraindication. It made total sense the way she was saying it. After this loss I had a pretty big feeling that it wasn't IC because of the pain I had and the fact that the same thing happened after "fixing" the problem.
Her first thought was infection. Most often in cases of PPROM this early that is a common factor. She suggested vaginal infection vs. urinary tract infection, which is all they check for at prenatal appointments. She said that at each prenatal appointment I need to be checked for any kind of vaginal infection, whether it's yeast or bacterial vaginosis (BV). BV actually makes a lot of sense. A few years ago I had a yeast infection and then two back to back cases of BV within a one year period. Never before or after but thinking back, I may have had mild symptoms during pregnancy that were similar to BV. It's so hard to say now and I honestly never suspected anything at the time. I thought maybe I had a UTI since I had one early in this last pregnancy but didn't notice any symptoms except frequent urination, which I told my doctor about the day before we lost Parker, but it was negative. It makes sense that maybe I was experiencing an infection, just a different one than I or the doctors thought.
Next she said I should take a prophylactic dose of aspirin once we establish a heartbeat. This can help cover any other bases in case there is something else causing the losses that we don’t' know about. After she said that I suggested blood clotting disorders. She said she didn't think that was it but asked if there was a history of it in my family. I told her my father had a stroke last year at 47. She said that is young and decided to go ahead and order my doctors office in town to do the thrombophilia work-up. She thought maybe it was more than we needed to do at this point but it was better to be safe than sorry. I'm so glad she decided to do that. I've done some research and it has led me to the conclusion it is entirely possible that I have a clotting disorder. Maybe I don't, but based on studies and other women with similar situations, it could be.
It was a really great meeting overall. She seems super proactive and wants to monitor me much more often, especially considering my predisposition to having IC because of my LEEPs. I'm not sure when she'll start, but she did say at some point she will want to be doing ultrasounds every two weeks. More chances to look at our little one! That, with the infection monitoring and aspirin (or more if there is a clotting disorder), should hopefully help me give birth to a living child to hold in my arms.
Now we just need to decide when to start trying again. The peri said 4-6 weeks after a D&C and we're cleared to go. I just about had a panic attack after she said that. Way too soon! I just don't feel emotionally ready to try again. I'm still a little bit of a wreck. I know for sure I want to wait until we get the results of the thrombophilia tests, just in case it is something more serious and we need to take other preventative measures to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I'm on AF #1 since Parker; it only took 6 weeks to get here! We at least want to wait one more. Part of me wants to wait and enjoy the summer with my hubby. The other part is screaming "I want a baby!" I'm scared that maybe we won't be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try and we'll have to work at it. Also, what if we have another loss? That's more heartbreak and another set-back to building our family together. I feel like we're running out of time.
Andrew, on the other hand, seems reluctant to try again so soon. He's really worried about our finances. It would be different if our pregnancy with Holden was successful and we had a baby at home today. Unfortunately, we're paying for two pregnancies and miscarriages and are greatly in debt due to it. In the last month we've had about $2000 worth of bills, not to mention the $500 we paid for the cerclage and the additional $1500 we still owe on it that we have yet to see the bill for. Plus, we owed on taxes this year and that has increased our credit card debt significantly. I also really want to find a new job since I very likely won't have one after January, and that is pretty scary to both of us. Ugh.
I'm feeling much more confident than I have in a while. We have a new doctor who deals with high risk pregnancies everyday. The thing she said that really sticks out in my mind is that she has had to do cerclages on women that come in and, though they don't know it, they're already 4cm dilated. She's pushing membranes back in and sewing up the cervix while she sees a foot go by. Seriously, how awesome is that?! That's the kind of doctor I want. Someone who is experienced and seriously knows what she's talking about. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that the third time will be the charm for us. I don't know if my heart can handle losing another baby. There is not enough left to lose any more.
Anyway, I fill out 20 minutes worth of paperwork and then we get directions on where to go for the consult. The instructions say "ultrasound directions" and at the bottom there is a portion for non-pregnancy consult. The woman who gave me the paper gave me directions herself, altering some of the last bit for where to go, and sent us on our way. If it takes you more than 10 seconds to tell me where to go, how the hell am I going to remember it?! By the way, she was wrong on some of what she said.
We ended up finding it and getting to the right place. We met with the peri and she was super nice. Right off the bat she was asking the get to know you questions. What did you major in? What do you do? Oh, you two are opposites too? My husband and I are total opposites. It was awesome! Then she got to the serious stuff. What happened? We relived the losses and she gave her advice. First, she said there is no evidence that I have an incompetent cervix. It's possible, given I've had two LEEPs, but at this point, my cervix didn't behave in a typical IC way and thus, she doesn't think that's our problem. She said that a cerclage should never be placed in a case where there is any pain or any bleeding (I had both during both pregnancies when the one OB suggested cerclage) because it's a contraindication. It made total sense the way she was saying it. After this loss I had a pretty big feeling that it wasn't IC because of the pain I had and the fact that the same thing happened after "fixing" the problem.
Her first thought was infection. Most often in cases of PPROM this early that is a common factor. She suggested vaginal infection vs. urinary tract infection, which is all they check for at prenatal appointments. She said that at each prenatal appointment I need to be checked for any kind of vaginal infection, whether it's yeast or bacterial vaginosis (BV). BV actually makes a lot of sense. A few years ago I had a yeast infection and then two back to back cases of BV within a one year period. Never before or after but thinking back, I may have had mild symptoms during pregnancy that were similar to BV. It's so hard to say now and I honestly never suspected anything at the time. I thought maybe I had a UTI since I had one early in this last pregnancy but didn't notice any symptoms except frequent urination, which I told my doctor about the day before we lost Parker, but it was negative. It makes sense that maybe I was experiencing an infection, just a different one than I or the doctors thought.
Next she said I should take a prophylactic dose of aspirin once we establish a heartbeat. This can help cover any other bases in case there is something else causing the losses that we don’t' know about. After she said that I suggested blood clotting disorders. She said she didn't think that was it but asked if there was a history of it in my family. I told her my father had a stroke last year at 47. She said that is young and decided to go ahead and order my doctors office in town to do the thrombophilia work-up. She thought maybe it was more than we needed to do at this point but it was better to be safe than sorry. I'm so glad she decided to do that. I've done some research and it has led me to the conclusion it is entirely possible that I have a clotting disorder. Maybe I don't, but based on studies and other women with similar situations, it could be.
It was a really great meeting overall. She seems super proactive and wants to monitor me much more often, especially considering my predisposition to having IC because of my LEEPs. I'm not sure when she'll start, but she did say at some point she will want to be doing ultrasounds every two weeks. More chances to look at our little one! That, with the infection monitoring and aspirin (or more if there is a clotting disorder), should hopefully help me give birth to a living child to hold in my arms.
Now we just need to decide when to start trying again. The peri said 4-6 weeks after a D&C and we're cleared to go. I just about had a panic attack after she said that. Way too soon! I just don't feel emotionally ready to try again. I'm still a little bit of a wreck. I know for sure I want to wait until we get the results of the thrombophilia tests, just in case it is something more serious and we need to take other preventative measures to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I'm on AF #1 since Parker; it only took 6 weeks to get here! We at least want to wait one more. Part of me wants to wait and enjoy the summer with my hubby. The other part is screaming "I want a baby!" I'm scared that maybe we won't be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try and we'll have to work at it. Also, what if we have another loss? That's more heartbreak and another set-back to building our family together. I feel like we're running out of time.
Andrew, on the other hand, seems reluctant to try again so soon. He's really worried about our finances. It would be different if our pregnancy with Holden was successful and we had a baby at home today. Unfortunately, we're paying for two pregnancies and miscarriages and are greatly in debt due to it. In the last month we've had about $2000 worth of bills, not to mention the $500 we paid for the cerclage and the additional $1500 we still owe on it that we have yet to see the bill for. Plus, we owed on taxes this year and that has increased our credit card debt significantly. I also really want to find a new job since I very likely won't have one after January, and that is pretty scary to both of us. Ugh.
I'm feeling much more confident than I have in a while. We have a new doctor who deals with high risk pregnancies everyday. The thing she said that really sticks out in my mind is that she has had to do cerclages on women that come in and, though they don't know it, they're already 4cm dilated. She's pushing membranes back in and sewing up the cervix while she sees a foot go by. Seriously, how awesome is that?! That's the kind of doctor I want. Someone who is experienced and seriously knows what she's talking about. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that the third time will be the charm for us. I don't know if my heart can handle losing another baby. There is not enough left to lose any more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)