Not this year

Well, I tested today and got a BFN. After the last two days I expected it. On Saturday I had some pink spotting. I was really hoping it was just implantation bleeding since I was only 8DPO. Then I had some uncomfortable lower back and abdominal cramping all day. That made me think of the fact that I wasn't peeing as much as I had been. Then of course I had to check and see if my nipples were still sensitive. While they were still sensitive, they didn't seem nearly as tender as they had been just the day before.

I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.

AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.

As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.

I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?

Holiday Blues

Does anyone else want to tell this time of year to suck it?! I can't get into the holiday spirit. I'm not merry. I wish that people didn't think I was weird because of this. I do have so much in my life I am grateful for but I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas is about love and family, but my family is incomplete. My little boys can't be here to celebrate with me.

We haven't put up any decorations this year. We don't plan on it. No lights. No tree. No presents. In addition to just not feeling up to celebrating, we can't afford much since I won't have a job soon. We've been trying to find people to take over our lease so we can move somewhere cheaper but haven't had much luck. I don't know what's going to happen next month when rent and utilites are due and it leaves us completely broke or we can't pay. Hopefully I'll find a job before then so that won't happen but I've been looking and applying for jobs for 2 months, had one interview, but I still don't have a job lined up.

Andrew and I told our parents that we can't really afford Christmas this year. My mom is fine with not doing a gift exchange. She's been under some financial hardship lately and can't afford much either. She wants to do dinner, which will be really nice. Then yesterday she said still wants to make us a little something though. Great. We tried to set-up Secret Santa with Andrew's family to minimize costs but that fell apart. We told them all that we can't afford anything. They're ok with us not getting them anything but they all still want to get us something. Fantastic. Nothing like feeling guilty at the holidays.

It's sweet of them to still want to get us something but it makes me feel like a terrible person. Is it so weird to say let's just skip Christmas this year? You guys go ahead and buy gifts for each other but skip us. *sigh* I don't like getting something for nothing, especially for Christmas. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I loved giving gifts to my family. That was the best part. Now I just dislike all holidays. But I can't not get gifts. I decided to knit scarves for my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and mom. It's an inexpensive gift but hopefully it'll mean a lot to them to have a homemade gift. I'll have to post pictures when I finish. We're going to spend a little money to get gift certificates for Andrew's nieces for the Kindles their parents are getting them. I don't know what to do for the guys in the family. I'd knit them scarves but I don't think they'd appreciate that so much.

Another thing weighing on me is having another Christmas where I'm not pregnant. Last Christmas, just a month after we lost Holden, I told myself that I would have a baby in my arms by next Christmas. Then, after losing Parker, I told myself that I would be pregnant by now. After getting pregnant with them so quickly who would think I'd still be here, empty, 6 months after hopping back on the TTC train, 9 months after losing my last little boy.

I'm actually in the 2WW right now. I'll know by the 21st if I'm pregnant. I had such a strange cycle that there's a big part of me that thinks that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. I had spotting for two days before Aunt Flo showed up last month and there were lots of little clots. Then I had bleeding on CD14 and CD15 that my doctor explained away as ovulation spotting. It wasn't spotting, it was bleeding. They did do some hormonal tests that came back normal, but I didn't even think to ask what they tested. Well, I didn't ovulate until CD31 according to my OPKs. Even if I ovulated when I normally do, around CD20-24, there is no way that bleeding was related to ovulation. My temps have been all over the place and didn't confirm ovulation. I'm not even sure if I ovulated but I'm trying to be hopeful.

Unlike previous cycles where I was pretty confident I wasn't pregnant, I'm just not sure this time. I'm 7DPO and do actually have some strong symptoms. Since about 4DPO in this cycle I've had super sensitive nipples. Like if my shirt moves the wrong way it hurts and I have to be careful about facing towards the water in the shower because it feels like a waterfall on my chest! And as of yesterday I have been peeing more and waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Not much more than usual, but enough to make me notice it. 'Didn't I just go to the bathroom an hour ago?' Since my chemical pregnancy I'm wary of symptoms. I know their presence doesn't guarantee anything, just like pregnancy itself. I could be pregnant and then find out two days later that I'm not anymore. Or I could not be pregnant at all. I had one cycle where I was nauseas during the 2WW. This better not be my body's idea of a joke. Unfortunately, symptoms bring hope and I'm going to feel so let down if I'm not pregnant. Especially right before Christmas when I really need something to be happy about. I need a Christmas miracle, if miracles still exist.

Changing Seasons

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile now. I've been super busy at work which leaves me no time to blog at work (don't tell my boss!) and too exhausted at the end of the day to even open my laptop. Things are finally back to normal so I'll have lots more free time...especially since I won't have a job in three weeks. I probably mentioned it before but here it is again- I'm being laid off. Well, technically I'm a contractor and my contract expires Januray 4th and they're not renewing me, but it's the same thing really. I've really had to think about what the heck I'm going to do come January!

I feel like I have been putting so much of my life on hold. Everything I think about is accompanied by "but what if I become pregnant?" I don't want to commit to anything because I could become pregnant, which would disrupt whatever it is that I might be doing. I don't want to plan too far in the future because I know the future can change with no warning. I kept worrying about when I should look for a new job because if I become pregnant, I'll eventually have to go on maternity leave. I was thinking I would just stay at my job while I get pregnant again and look for jobs while I'm on maternity leave. I knew I didn't want to come back. Well, since my contract won't be renewed, that choice was taken away from me. I have to do something. I've decided instead of JUST looking for another job I don't want (I still need to find a job though), that I'm going back to school. For nursing.

It's something that I've thought about for a couple of years now but it always seemed out of my reach. Just the waitlist is about 2 years and I have to do some prerequisits before that. I always thought that if I did this, it would be basically throwing my 4 year degree out the window. Why did I spend so much time and money getting it if in the end I didn't follow through with it? On the positive side, I wouldn't have been employed during college and for the last 2 years if it weren't for my major and degree. And a microbiology degree IS helpful to me since I did take several of the prereqs required by the nursing program and I did find so many aspects of microbiology to be fascinating. There is more with a microbiology degree that I could do, and that I would want to do (hello breweries) if I had the chance, but science jobs are in high demand with low turnover in my area so that's not likely to happen. Going back to school is a little daunting, but I'm so excited. I'm starting a new season in my life that will hopefully lead to a rewarding career and succesful future. It's about time I had some positive change in my life.