Another nightmare

I couldn't believe my water had broken. We were on our way to the hospital and I reclined my seat hoping it would somehow help. If there was a tear in the amniotic sac, I wanted to do everything I could to keep it from rupturing. It seemed to be somewhat working though I could still feel little gushes coming out. When I got out of the car at the ER I felt a pretty big gush. It kept gushing as we were walking to the door. Fuck.

We got to the desk and I told them I'm 13 weeks pregnant and I think my water is breaking. I could still feel the gushes. My pad was soaked. I broke down then. Sobbing. Andrew holding me. Giving them my information when I felt like everything was going wrong...again. They got us back right away.

I hate the ER so much. I never wanted to be in there again. Everything takes forever. As if it doesn't already seem like every minute is the longest minute of your life when something like this is happening to you. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown. It was weird; the pad filled with fluid had a yellow tinge to it. I know it's supposed to be clear. I knew it wasn't urine but I tried to think that maybe there was hope. They came in and put an IV in; in the crease of my arm. Why the heck do they put it there?! Everywhere else they seem to frown upon that as a location for an IV so why do it? You have much less mobility when it's there. Anyway, she couldn't get it in the first vein so she moved elsewhere to dig around and got it in. Ouch.

When the doctor finally came in they decided to do a fern test to determine if the fluid was amniotic fluid or not. I will always hate that doctor. I then knew why my doctor had said the stitches were too high to examine with a speculum without anesthesia. That is certainly in my top 3 most painful experiences of all time. Apparently my crying out in pain didn't mean anything to him because he kept pushing and prodding and moving it around. That fuck head made me cry. In the end, the test was inconclusive. We were sent down to have an u/s.

Guess what, it was the same tech that did the u/s when we lost Holden. Déjà vu. At least he was in a better mood this time. After my already painful speculum experience, this was only about half as bad, but it still hurt. I just felt like I couldn't take any more. The u/s lasted about 20 minutes and we got to go back up to the ER to await the results. About 45-60 minutes later the doctor came in with the results. It looked like it was amniotic fluid that leaked but there was still fluid around the baby. The tech put it at normal but he would say that it looks low normal, at best.

This guy is not the kind of guy that looks on the bright side. More like the brutally honest kind. Here's a little hope but it's probably not going to turn out that way for you. Still, in the end, he decided that since there was still fluid around the baby, an inconclusive test about what the fluid really was, though he was pretty sure it was amniotic fluid, the baby still being alive and my cervix closed, that we should keep me overnight for observation and then do another u/s in the morning. There still was the possibility that it could be some discharge or fluid from an infection trying to clear itself out. Maybe it wasn't called for, but I had some hope. My baby was still alive and even if I was leaking fluid, there was still fluid around the baby. That's good, right?

We went to Pediatrics Plus to spend the night. Andrew decided to take Cora to his mom's to stay over since we didn't know how long our hospital stay would be. While he was gone they decided to get a clean urine sample by cathing me, since my original urine sample and showed increased white blood cells. They thought it could have been contaminated by whatever the fluid leaking out of me was. I thought it would be no big deal, I've had this done before. I thought it might hurt a little more since I had no spinal to numb the pain. Ok, it was a new kind of extreme pain. The nurse was super nice and had done them before but she slipped when she did mine, if she was even putting it in the right spot. She got another nurse to come in and do it. If she had done it the first time, it probably wouldn't have been so bad, but I was hurting from the first time so this stung too. Of course it accidentally slipped out after a while, so painful, so I had to finish on the toilet. I have never almost doubled over from peeing before.

Finally I got to get in bed for some sleep. Andrew got back around 3:00am, I think. They were going to wake us up at 6:00am to check vitals. I didn't get much sleep, maybe a couple of hours. I kept having to get up and go to the bathroom, which of course caused me to cry out in pain a few times, scaring Andrew once. They came and took my blood at 6:00am. We got in for an u/s an hour or so later. It was just a quick abdominal scan to compare the results from last night. She was very quiet. I was looking at the screen and getting scared. Why wasn't the baby moving? Where was the flickering heartbeat?

When the doctor came back up to the room to tell us the results, they weren't good. There was no heartbeat. He wanted to transfer us to labor and delivery to get the cerclage out and to induce labor, since I wanted to pass everything naturally instead of a D&C. I wanted a baby to hold after it was all done. I broke down. Even though I knew chances were slim, I was really hoping for good news. I told them to contact my regular OB since they didn't last time. I thought it would be nice to have a familiar face in there. She came up only 15 min later I think. She happened to be in the hospital that day. It was really comforting to have her there. She told me to make an appointment to see her for middle of next week.

Then we had to wait. They first said we would be getting into labor and delivery around 9:00am, then 10:00, then it was looking like another hour. It was finally past noon when we got in. In the meantime, we decided to call our parents. Not a call you want to make. They had been waiting for updates since we told them we were in the hospital. It was difficult news to give, to say the least.

Finally, we get moved and things went a little quicker then. They gave me some pain meds and we got ready to roll. They say taking the cerclage out isn't too bad, it's pretty quick and not too difficult. I don't know what they use to take out the cerclage normally, but even with Fentanyl, it was painful. Luckily, I had a really nice nurse who held my hand the whole time. When it was done he said I was almost a cm dilated and the umbilical cord had been pulled into my cervix when the water broke, even with the cerclage in, which is what caused the baby to die. That was some hard news to hear. Then they gave me some Cytotec to induce labor.

It really didn't take that long. I was bleeding, but nothing too intense. At one point I had some gushing fluid, so I called for a nurse to come in, but they never sent anyone. Apparently they never told her I called because when she came in to check on me she had no idea that I had called. I needed to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel anything coming out of me, like last time, plus, it was still only a couple of hours since the Cytotec. The nurse seemed fine with it. So, I squatted to go pee when I felt something coming out and I couldn't stop it. Luckily they had a hat (or whatever they call it) in the toilet, which measures urine, or the baby would have fallen into the toilet. Still, it was pretty mortifying that I just delivered the baby in the bathroom. That and there was no umbilical cord attached which meant the placenta was still inside of me.

The nurse felt so bad and got me back to bed right away. She called for the doctor, who decided to wait to see if I passed the placenta, if not, he would give me more cytotec, and if I didn't pass it within a few hours of that, I would have to go in for a D&C. While we waited for that to happen, we got to hold the baby. It looked almost just like Holden. A little bit smaller though. What a difference a week makes. We couldn’t tell clearly what sex the baby was, but the doctor's best guess was boy. Unless they ever tell us for sure, which I don't think they'll test for, we've decided not to say it's a boy or girl either way. It was just our baby. Another beautiful little baby. All fingers and toes intact with their little nails. My poor, helpless, lifeless baby laying there in my arms. Another perfect angel that will never experience the joy of life. Another difficult moment. A nightmare that I had to live over again.

Long story short, even with the cytotec, I was never able to pass the placenta. It wouldn't detach. We had to go in for them to suction it out. I was put under for the procedure. When I woke up my throat hurt like it's never hurt before. It was from the tube they stuck in my throat. Andrew was there and had a cup full of ice chips to feed me. They minimally helped with the pain and only while they were in my mouth. It took at least a good hour before it didn't constantly hurt. After that it just felt like I had an extremely sore throat.

The procedure went well. We went back to L&D soon after. They decided to let me have some crackers and something to drink to see how I did and if I could keep it down then they would discharge us. I was able to keep it down though every time I took a bite of cracker I would fall asleep. I hadn't slept more than a couple hours in 48 hours. I was so ready to go home. We were discharged around 10:00pm and finally drove away from the hospital 30 minutes later. We went to Walgreens to pick up my perscriptions, which was going to take 30 minutes, so Andrew dropped me off at home and went back later. I just laid in bed and as soon as Andrew got back, we crashed. It had been the longest day of my life. Another day filled with heartbreak and destroyed dreams. I had horrible dreams that night about needles being stuck in me and blood flowing like a river out of me. Unfortunately, waking up wasn't much better. I still felt like I was in a nightmare but I can't wake up from this one. It is my life.

Not again

I went home from Thursday's appointment feeling very releived. I was still having bleeding and some cramping, which I knew would probably get a little worse because of the u/s. It was a transvaginal which I'd been told before can aggravate bleeding. However, I felt reassured that the cerclage was doing it's job. I had upper-moderate cramps the night before (which is also what led me to get in to see a doctor) but they seemed to have subsided. They got a little worse again that night but I was able to get to sleep.

I can't remember when I woke up for a bathroom break, the middle of the night some time, but when I wiped it was bright red blood filled with clots. Small clots, but still, clots are not good. I was too tired and it was too late to really do anything about it. I couldn't really get to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it but I decided to see how the day went and then decide if I should call the doctor or not. I didn't want to seem crazy since I had just seen the doctor the day before.

The day went by and no signs of bright red blood or clots. Just the "normal" pink spotting. I decided I was probably fine, though I still thought I might be leaking amniotic fluid. Andrew doubted me, but it just seemed like my discharge was getting more fluid. However, it didn't feel like last time, where it was very watery so I tried to ignore it. That night, the cramps got much worse. I tried to ignore them. Andrew got a heat pack and was rubbing my back. The were just so uncomfortable though. I thought that since there was no blood and no leaking it might just be cramping due to how sensitive everything was down there was.

I went to sit on the couch with Andrew because I just couldn't lay in bed any more. It was just way to uncomfortable. That's when I felt something more liquid like come out. Still not a gush and not water like, but it didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom and didn't see anything but discharge. I emptied my bladder, changed my pad, and when I stood up, something just leaked out. I knew it wasn't urine. "We have to go to the hospital now." That was around 8:30pm.

I had a scare

The day of the follow-up, I had a bit of light cramping. I figured it was just my sensitive cervix acting up after some more aggravation. I think it's tired of being messed with! Well, I woke up the following morning, 3:00am to be exact, to use the restroom and wiped what appeared to be some purple-red blood. I tried not to worry because I knew I had just had surgery the previous week and my cervix was agitated and that pesky hematoma was probably still in there causing issues.

Well, the bleeding continued all day. It was pink and mucus-like, which made me feel better because it wasn't bright red and it wasn't just blood. I basically had a light period all day with occasional light cramping. I decided that if it continued the next day I would call the doctor because this really was just like what happened the last time when they found my cervix was effacing. I was also afraid that maybe I was leaking amniotic fluid, even though it wasn't really watery, because it was just so mucus-like and thin.

We decided to just go to urgent care when they opened since they are literally a minute from our house. We thought we could get some answers there quicker than trying to get in to see the doctor who did my cerclage and have to drive to Loveland. Well, after 30 minutes in the urgent care, 10 of those in the exam room, they came in and said they didn't do any gynecological work there. What? I was not aware of that. So, they called the Women's Clinic and I got an appointment in to see the doctor an hour later, just two days after the follow-up. He didn't want to do a pelvic exam because that wouldn't tell him much, so we got in for an ultrasound. Healthy heartbeat and measurements. They measured my cervix and we got to see the little one on screen again and got some great pictures to take home.

We were told my cervix was now measuring 5.4, which is up from 4.5. Great news. He said the UA didn't show any infection, which I made a point to ask because I had been needing to go to the bathroom quite a bit lately and thought that might be the cause of my bleeding. He said even if there was to not worry about that because he didn't want me to use anything that I would need to administer near my cervix. He said the u/s looked great and unless the bleeding or cramping got worse, to just see him again in a couple weeks. I kind of got the feeling he thought I was the overly worrisome patient, but I don't care. It eased my fears for the time being and I was very relieved.

Cerclage and Follow-up

I had my cerclage placed on 4/14/2010. I was so nervous for it. We got to the hospital at 2:00pm and got checked in pretty quickly. Went back to the pre-op area and hung out there until surgery, which was supposed to be at 4:00pm. The nurses had the hardest time finding the baby's heart tones with a doppler. They didn't have any good dopplers, probably because there aren't many pregnant women that come in for surgeries. Anyhow, after a couple of tries and a few dopplers, I took a hold of it and finally found the heart. Beautiful.

The doctor was running late and surgery didn't get started until 5:30pm. I got the spinal right before. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The numbing shot stung a bit and the pressure of the spinal needle going in felt very weird. Then my legs started going numb and I couldn't feel my butt. I don't think I ever lost complete feeling in my feet and legs, I could wiggle my toes before and after the procedure, which took all of 15-20 minutes to complete. I talked to the anesthesiologist the whole time which was fun. She put something in my IV to help me relax and to help not feel the pain. It had the same sensation a few beers give me. I was very talkative!

We went to the post-op area where they decided to send me straight up to labor and delivery for an u/s instead of trying to find the heart tones on a doppler again. We got to see the little one wiggling around and there was a very healthy heartbeat. They wanted to keep me in for observation for 4 hours for the spinal to wear off. It actually was wearing off quite a bit by 2-3 hours later, but when I wasn't able to go the bathroom (I really had to go but I couldn't get my muscles to work right or something) they had to cath me to empty my bladder. I guess that happens sometimes after a spinal. They said they would let me go when I could pee on my own. I think I did about an hour or so later.

All in all the surgery was a success. The doctor told Andrew my cervix had already started shortening and opening a little but there was still plenty of cervix to work with and he got a couple of good stitches in. We got to go home and sleep. I was put on bed rest for 4 weeks, the doctor wanted me to follow-up with him the following Monday, and then make an appointment for 16 weeks.


I didn't have any problems with the cerclage following the surgery and the few days until the follow-up. No bleeding and discharge, no real pain. I did occasionally get the sensation that something was "up there." We saw the doctor again the following Tuesday and he did a quick pelvic exam. He tried to view the stitches with a speculum but that hurt tremendously so he had to feel for them. He said the stitches were too high to examine with a speculum without anesthesia. All looked well and he would see us again in 3 weeks. He said I could start increasing my activity if I wanted but to still keep working from home, but if I stayed looking good I would be able to go off bed rest at 16 weeks. That was an exciting feeling. It felt like success.

Plans are good

I am so glad I waited to write this until this afternoon. Earlier, I was a complete mess. After the meeting with the OB yesterday, we made a plan, which was good, but then that raised all these other issues that had me freaked out.

At the appointment we talked about when to do the cerclage. He told me he wanted to do it around 12 weeks, which is next week. The surgery date was set that day! I had my pre-op appointment today and they put the cerclage in next Wednesday the 14th. The nurse made a mistake and told us it was Tuesday initially. Even though I was expecting it, I was a little scared because it seemed so soon! Wednesday makes me feel a little better because it seems less urgent. I don't know if that makes much sense. Still, it's exciting, right? We have a plan that will hopefully result in a healthy and happy pregnancy. He did say he wasn't concerned about the SCH but I don't know if I should tell him to monitor it or not. The bleeding comes and goes and it's not too much but I'm afraid if the clot were to get any bigger that it could cause problems, like partial to full placental abruption. Scary.

The not so pleasant part of the conversation was when he told me he wanted me on modified bed rest after the procedure until my 16 week check-up. What? 4 weeks of bed rest? Wow. I was a stressing myself out earlier because I wasn't sure how we were going to survive on one income and if I would qualify for short-term disability. Andrew and I took some perks off our phone plan, reduced Netflix (I didn't want to cancel because I'll need some movies to watch on bed rest!), reduced some other extra services that we don't need to spend money on, and I submitted an application to consolidate my student loans which will reduce monthly payments by $150 (almost 50%).

Well, turns out I would have qualified for short-term, at 60% pay, but luckily I worked it out with my supervisors that I can work from home. It will be a bunch of boring data entry stuff, but at least I will still be getting paid and have something to occupy my time all day. Plus, it will be good that we have the same income but are saving money after all the other expenses we cut out. Especially after the ~$2100 out of pocket the cerclage procedure is going to cost. Yikes! Well, by the time the baby comes we will have paid the deductible and reached the out of pocket maximum, so baby will be paid for. Gotta look at the positive!

I am so relieved and glad we have plans in place. We're going to get the cerclage in place so we have a healthy baby in October and I can work from home, at least for 4 weeks, so we can still have 2 incomes. After that I can go on short-term disability if I have to and I'll have earned vacation and sick leave to take by then if need be. The future is looking bright!

Bad day

Yesterday was an awful day. I was excited when I woke up that the antibiotics for the bladder infection seemed to be working because I only got up once in the middle of the night to pee instead of twice. Nothing was unusual until after I ate breakfast and went to the bathroom. I wiped and saw bright red blood. No. I looked down and saw the toilet filled with streaks and streaks of blood. No. No. No. Sound familiar? Same thing happened to me last pregnancy.

Called the doctor's office at 8:00am and got in to see the doctor at 9:00am. She just did a quick exam; cervix looked the same as last time, a teensy bit open, and definitely some blood there. She said she saw a spot on my cervix, maybe a small polyp (fantastic), but didn't want to mess with my cervix at that point. An ultrasound was ordered for 10:30am.

I was so stressed. I had no cramping but of course when you see that amount of blood you immediately start thinking the worst. Andrew rescheduled his interview for a promotion (what a sweet man) to come pick me up and take me to the u/s. Everything was perfect with the baby. I'll try to post the u/s pics later. HB at 164. It was even measuring two days ahead, where I should be according to my LMP, which seems impossible because I know when I ovulated and even if I implanted early the first pregnancy test I took would have been positive instead of negative...but whatever. I've heard that an u/s is really only accurate within a week, give or take.

Anyway, I got a call back later about my results and I have a subchorionic hematoma. Great. Could I possibly have any more risk factors for miscarriage? I had to ask the nurse a bunch of questions because she didn't explain what it was at all. Even her answers weren't helpful. I've seen posts about it on BBC but haven't really paid attention to them.

Of course, I resorted to the internet. I am thoroughly freaked out now. A majority of the time they resolve themselves but if they're big enough they can cause placental abruption and miscarriage. Here is yet another contribution to potential bed rest. I wish that financially Andrew and I were stable enough for me to stay home all day. I would gladly go on bed rest today to make sure the baby is safe, but I can't. I'm starting to look into short term disability leave and any other types of leave but I'm not sure if I will qualify for any sort of paid leave. Unpaid, sure, but paid is looking like a slim possibility.

I was told they were going to send a report to the OB I'm seeing on Thursday about the cerclage. Hopefully we can get more answers then. Is it big/small? Will it play a factor in the cerclage procedure? I sure hope not. Agh, this is all so stressful!

In other, somewhat related news, Andrew and I are sort of trying to break our lease. See, we renewed our current lease for another year before we found out we were pregnant. A big part of me was thinking we wouldn't get pregnant right away anyway. Well, I started thinking more and more about getting the cerclage and bed rest. Well, for one, we have no air conditioning. If/when I go on bed rest it will be during the summer, and even if we got a portable air conditioner I wouldn't be able to get up to add water to it every 4 hours or whatever. If we went for window air then we would have to buy a casement air conditioner because of our windows and those are expensive. No matter what, we would have to spend at least $500 to get something that will at least cool the air by 10-20 degrees. Then I started thinking of the stairs because the other two bedrooms (one of which would have to be the baby's room) are upstairs. During later pregnancy I wouldn't be able to set up the baby's room at all, especially if I'm on bedrest, and then we would either have to move the air conditioner upstairs or just get another one.

Anyway, we are trying to see if they will let us move to another one of their properties July 1st, when our lease is up, and just transfer or let us sign a new lease for the new property. We want to stay with them because we like them and we hope they have sympathy with our situation. They have a nice tri-level (less stairs at least) with central air, plus it has a basement and family room (as opposed to just our one living room) and the neighborhood has pool access, all for $100 cheaper a month than where we are at. That makes no sense but we're hoping that after explaining the situation, the fact that we want to stay with them, and that the house is of a comparable price, they will let us go through with it. We don't want to move again until we can afford to buy our own house so this place would be perfect! I emailed them last Friday and have yet to hear anything back. Crossing my fingers we hear good news though I had a dream last night that they said there was nothing they could do for us. I hope that is not a sign of things to come!

Edits

I've added photos to "The beginning and the end," "Christmas time," "Something's Cooking," and "Relief." I've been meaning to for awhile I just get too lazy to upload the pictures off my camera. That and I don't usually get on the computer other than at work because I get headaches. Gotta love pregnancy symptoms!

Disappointed

I got some rather disappointing news a week ago. I found out that the pap they did at my last prenatal appointment came back abnormal. They wanted to add on HPV testing to see if it came back and that I should hear back the next week (which was last Monday).

Never heard anything last week until Friday when the nurse called to tell me I had a bladder infection but antibiotics would clear that up. I've never had a bladder infection before and didn't notice any symptoms until Andrew pointed out I was going to the bathroom a lot more lately. Other than that, no pain or odor. Annoying, but not the worst thing in the world. I then asked about the HPV testing. They hadn't heard anything but she was going to call around, see what happened to the results.

She called back at 3:00pm and told me it had come back positive. I had already prepared myself for it but it didn't make it any less difficult. I decided to leave work early because I couldn't help but start crying. It was too much to handle. My body is just not going to clear it up. That's why my mom had to have a hysterectomy in her 30's.

I'm faced with knowing that in the next 2-3 years, if untreated, I will get cervical cancer. I've already had 2 LEEPs and have an extremely incompetent cervix, so what can I do now? Is this my last chance to have a child? If I have another m/c am I never going to be able to have a child? If I have another LEEP will my cervix be even weaker? Will a cerclage still work then? Should I just get pregnant again right away? So many what-ifs. I feel even more now that the clock is ticking and I'm running out of time to have the family I always dreamed of.

The nurse basically told me that my situation has gone beyond what a general practitioner GYN can handle. I need to go to the Women's Clinic. I've decided at my appointment with the specialist (an OB/GYN at the Women's Clinic) this Thursday, I am going to ask him if he deals with that and if he would be willing to see me after I have the baby. I don't want to do anything until the baby is born. The next step is a colposcopy but I don't need anything else to aggravate my already sensitive cervix!

So, that has put me in a rather depressed mood lately. I might have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 25. How ridiculous is that?! I'm getting more and more terrified that something is going to go wrong and when we go in Thursday there isn't going to be a heartbeat or something horrible. I know there is no reason to have these fears but I can't help it. I've so been trying not to drive myself crazy with the doppler either but it's hard not to. I just wish I could find the heartbeat to reassure myself. I know it's too early and with my tilted uterus, it might be even later before I find the heartbeat. I wish there was just someway to know everything was fine instead of having to wait and wait and wait. Patience has been difficult for me during this pregnancy.

All of this made it extremely difficult to tell Andrew’s family over Easter weekend. I want them to know but I don’t. I’m too afraid to get excited and attached. I already am but I feel like when other people get excited, it becomes more real. Also, I feel like if something goes wrong it hurts them just as much and I have added guilt that I let them down.

I have to stop this. Think positive. Think positive. Think positive. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what news Thursday brings. Hopefully it will be good news!

What's next

After my OB appointment last week, I called the specialist and got an appointment for April 8th. It's a cerclage consult. I'm not sure exactly what will happen but I'm guessing he'll want to do an u/s to take a look at my cervix. Another chance to see our pumpkin! It's at Medical Center of the Rockies this time instead of by PVH (he switches between offices) so we'll have to leave early. That kind of sucks because I'm trying to save up as much time as possible for when/if I have to go on bed rest or for maternity leave. I don't want to keep taking unpaid time off to go to these doctors appointments (I don't get paid leave until this week in April...I think).

After the spotting I had on Monday and Tuesday, it stopped...until Friday. It was full on, bright red blood. Nothing in the mucus this time. Of course, I can't get a break. It was less than it had been and there wasn't any the next time I went to the bathroom, so I decided not to worry about it. We just had an u/s and I still had all the pregnancy symptoms.

Since then, I've been fine. Until today. Well, really, the last few days I've been feeling great. Too great, in fact. Monday was the worst day for morning sickness so far. Still no vomiting but it came closer than ever before. Then on Tuesday I felt fantastic. Same on Wednesday and today. I'm still having some headaches, a little bit of nausea, but feel so much better than I have. I'm trying to enjoy it and tell myself that it's not uncommon to have come-and-go, vanishing symptoms. Well, there was a little pink this morning. Very little. Still enough to freak me out. We still have a week before the appointment and I'm going to be worried the whole time now.

I bought a doppler from Amazon. Right after we had the first ultrasound. It's really nice! I figured it would give me peace of mind. Even after all the controversy on BBC about whether to get one; so many women post about not being able to find the heart beat and freak out. I'm not naive, I know there is a good chance that I won't be able to hear the heartbeat with it until 12 weeks. I'm just going to keep trying and not worry that I can't hear anything. I'm only 10w3d after all...if the ultrasound dating is even correct. According to when I ovulated I would be 10 weeks exactly today so it would make sense why I haven't been able to find it yet. I'm going to try again Friday so that either way, I’ll be at least halfway through 10 weeks so I have a much better chance of hearing it. I wish I could, it would really reassure me until the appointment next week.

So that's my life lately. I'm just being a big worrier for my baby. I don't know how women once upon a time did this. No u/s until 20 weeks and just assuming everything was ok. I guess that's all I can do now too. Just hope that everything is fine. Another count down to the next appointment begins. 1 week and we get to figure out what's next.