Feeling Depressed

I’ve been very emotional lately. Mostly the sad kind. I’m in a bad place right now with TTC. I just keep going round and round and I’m getting so sick of this continuous loop that keeps ending in disappointment. The only thing to dig me out of this place is to get pregnant and not have to TTC anymore. I know another pregnancy will come with its own set of issues, but I’m ready to not have to take my temperature every day, to not have to pee on sticks to find out if I’m ovulating or if this was our month, to stop having timed sex, to quit planning my life around the possibility of being pregnant, and to not be crushed each month when my period shows up.

A lot hit me last week. Next month, on April 24th, will be Parker’s one year anniversary. Then we have May right after that, which will be one year from Holden’s due date. It’s hard that I’ve had to go through Holden’s one year anniversary, soon Parker’s, and then the point at which my first little boy should be turning a year old. On top of that, this is my last opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby in 2011. If not, it’ will be on to 2012. It’s amazing the weight that dates hold. It’s depressing.

I’ve been crying a lot more this month. All of these dates coming up and the potential for AF to show up next weekend are weighing me down. I don’t have a lot of support in my life. I’m so thankful for my online support because I don’t know how I would deal with all of this on my own. I have no one else to talk to. When I talk to my mom she tells me that I’m thinking too much about it and stressing myself out. If I quit worrying, then it will happen. How does she know the magic secret?! That’s all I have to do. Of course! *Sigh*I don’t talk to her about it much anymore. It’s not like I’m in a constant state of stress. Sometimes I just need to vent about it and have some reassurance that it’s going to happen for me…one day.

Thankfully, I have a real life support group now- Face2Face. We’ve had two meetings so far. It’s amazing how it wasn’t weird or awkward when I met these people, not the way it is when you meet a stranger for the first time. There was an instant connection, an understanding, when we met. We are bonded by the tragedy of our lives. I’m so thankful to have met them, to look into the eyes of someone who understands, and get a true, caring response back. Someone who can say “I know” and mean it.

In other news, I got a call at the beginning of this week about a blood test last week. Last May and June, after I lost Parker, I had a lot of blood tests done. One of them, the ANA, came back borderline positive, which would be indicative of an autoimmune disorder. They wanted to retest 6 months later. Well, 8-9 months later I got a notice in the mail to come in to have the test done again. It was negative this time! Phew. Part of me was hoping that maybe I had a thyroid issue or something where I could just take medication and *bam* everything would fix itself and I’d get pregnant. Like I don’t have enough wrong with me already. I am really relieved though. I’m glad that I don’t have one more thing to worry about preventing me from getting pregnant or from being an issue during pregnancy.

I ovulated on CD20 this cycle. I had none of the random bleeding between CD12-15 that I’ve had the last four months. Thank you! The Metformin must be doing something right. 5DPO today. Not feeling pregnant. I hope that I get symptoms soon. I hope that I’m pregnant. I’m trying to be optimistic since this cycle has been so normal, but I’m already planning my pity party. It will consist of swollen eyes, sad movies, loads of ice cream, and preferably lots of booze. Real healthy, huh? I’ll be testing next Saturday so wish me luck! C’mon spring, bring the miracle of new life my way!

On to month 9...

Well, AF showed up last week. CD6 today. I'm pretty disappointed but glad my temperatures looked normal for the first time in months. I really hope that is a good sign for this cycle! Maybe things are finally getting regulated again. I didn't get any tricky symptoms in the 2WW either, like the tender nipples, nausea, and cravings, (among other symptoms) that I have been getting the last few months. I wasn't pregnant so I didn't have any symptoms. That has to be good too, right?

I calculated my due date if I ovulate late like I normally do. If I O on CD23 or CD24, I'll be due on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! I probably wouldn't deliver on those days anyway because for one, most women don't deliver on their due date, and two, I may have to be induced because of the clotting disorders and blood thinners I'll be on. Still, that's some pretty neat timing right there. What a great present that would be! That's right before my birthday too (New Year's Eve). I told Andrew, if that happens, he won't have to buy me anything because I'll have everything I want!

I’m going to try to relax, have a few drinks, and have fun this cycle. I really want to go into this month with a positive attitude. Gotta think positive! I’ll still be temping, of course, but maybe I can find some ways to spice up the BDing so it doesn’t feel so timed and mechanical. The nice weather we've been having lately has put me in a good mood so I hope it keeps up. I could use some positive energy. I hope March is my lucky month!