Blog Award

My blog was nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by Violet over at Searching for Ladybugs. Thank you so much! I love reading your blog and relating with you over something that only our community of BLM's can understand. And thanks for reading mine. :)

Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who had granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I'm pretty sure a lot of these blogs may have been nominated already because I don't follow that many blogs, but these are some amazing women bloggers whose stories have impacted me deeply, so I am nominating them. If you haven't checked them out, you should!

1. Butterfly Kisses to my Angel Alyssa Marie
2. Dear Stevie
3. In Memory of Jacob
4. Our Sweet Corinne Ellery
5. Remembering Drew
6. Valentina in the Sky
7. In Memory of Liam
8. I Wish You Love
9. The Butterfly Room
10. Houston, We're Having a Baby

Thank you for sharing your beautiful, sad stories with the world and and allowing us to share in your journey.

Where have all the days gone?

I haven't posted in a while because I've been pretty sad lately. The 19th of this month was Holden's 10 month angelversary and the 24th was Parker's 5 month angelversary. I just tried to not cry all day at work that week. I cried in the car to and from work instead. I can't believe it's been so long. I didn't realize the dates initially either, which made me feel worse. I felt like a bad mom.

After I lost Holden, I counted every week, even when I was pregnant with Parker. But after we lost Parker, I lost count. I remembered Holden's due date but it was too much for me emotionally to have that constant reminder. Still, occasionally, I realize what the date is and I'm overwhelmed with grief.

Not being pregnant again makes it hurt more. We are 5 months out from losing Parker and in the third month TTC and still nothing. Now that we have some answers, I'm ready to be pregnant again but my body isn't allowing that to happen. I've decided that if we're not pregnant this month, which I'm just not feeling it, then I am going to quit temping. I'm just going to enjoy being intimate with my loving husband...every other day! Less obsessing will probably do me good.

I also found out today that my contract at work is definitely not being renewed next year due to budget issues so I have until January 5th to find a new job. It's so hard. I've been on and off looking for months because I've wanted to get out of my job but haven't found anything. Now I have nothing to fall back on if I can't find a job. I wanted to get out but I was hoping to have more time. I'm going to try to be positive but this is obviously extra stress that I don't need right now!

What Makes a Good Supervisor?

Is it being mean to your employee? I'm having one of those mornings at work. I have been really stressed out lately and my supervisor is really just adding to it. Two weeks ago from yesterday, she needed me to screen some viruses to be shipped. Normally, I could get these done in a week, but due to other circumstances requiring my time, I was unable to get them done quickly.

The biggest reason is that I have a work study student I've been training. Her first week was last week and she was here for about 6-7 hours over 3 different days. That in itself takes time, but I had to prepare for her too. That makes sense, doesn't it? Prepare for training a student? A sophomore who has yet to have a microbiology course. Who has no idea what any of the procedures we do are and has never held a pipette before. Is there a limit on the amount of time I'm supposed to take to prepare for her? I've never trained anyone before so this is new to me. It’s been a little overwhelming. I remember when I started as a student and had no idea what the heck I was doing. So, I decided to be detailed and to plan for the time she would be here. Seriously, I don't even make a plan for myself for the week until Monday, so adding training on top of that...yeah.

Anyway, that has taken a lot of my time during the last two weeks. Plus, this was a short week and I was sick on Tuesday. My supervisor didn't say anything until yesterday when she asked if I was done screening them. I told her no, but they would be done by Friday. Then today she sends another email asking which procedures I've performed on them and saying it's been 2 weeks since she emailed. It shouldn't take 2 weeks to screen "3" viruses (it's 4, actually) and that this needs to be a priority. Then, she so nicely added, "Honestly, this should be done within 1 week." Was that necessary?

Am I overreacting? I realize as my supervisor she can determine when things need to be done. She gives me a task and I do it. That's how the chain of command works. I get it. But, to me, if after a week I wasn't done and she had a problem with that, then shouldn't she have said something? She asked me about it last Thursday and I told her that I would be finishing up this week and she didn't say a word. That was her opportunity to say "Hey, it's been a week and I really need to ship these so do you think you can get them done by (insert day)?" instead of waiting for another week and then sending me an email saying she thinks they should be done.

She gives me things to do and never gives me a deadline or an estimate of when she needs them. It's not until she's annoyed that they're not done that she tells me, always by email might I add, and that just stresses me out more. And she always puts in a little something extra that comes off as rude. She's not a good supervisor. Her position doesn’t allow her to supervise people, technically, but I was hired to assist her so I guess that makes her the boss. I really need a new job.

Not meant to be

Why is this happening? I don't know what to feel right now. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm numb.

My temp went from 98.63 the day I got my faint BFP on Friday to 98.03 today. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative. As fast as it was here, it's gone. 

A May baby wasn't meant to be for me.

This is so different from my other losses that I don't know what to do. With the others, I and 3 and half months to know they were there and get excited. I held their tiny fragile bodies in my hands. They were babies. What was this? A chemical pregnancy? Do I call my OB next week and let her know? Do I add a birthstone to my necklaces? I'll never know if it would have been a girl or a boy...

I never even felt pregnant, but I was and I was excited. Now I'm devastated.

Exciting News

Of course I had a horrible time sleeping last night. All I could think about was when I could POAS and if AF was going to show up this morning. I've been waking up pretty consistently in the middle of the night to pee lately so at 2:50am I decided to get up because I couldn't hold it anymore and I tested. Faint positive. I still wasn't sure I 100% believed it and thought AF could still show up.

After 20 minutes or so I still could not fall back asleep so I decided to take my temp just in case. It was still up! About 0.5 degrees up from the previous day. I did end up falling back asleep and temped again before I got up at 6:00am and it was another 0.5 up...probably thrown off a little from not getting much sleep. When my temp goes down on the morning of AF it's around 97.05. These were temps of 98.55 and 98.62. Not likely to be up that high just from getting up. I've woken up to pee at 4:00am before and still temped at 5:30 and had pretty normal temps. This is the real deal!

I decided to POAS again with two different kind of tests. I was hoping they would be darker but 3 hours really isn't that much time to concentrate your urine! Still, they were both faintly positive. I'm going to test again on Sunday just to see a darker line.

So yeah. I got my BFP! I couldn't be more thrilled. I couldn't be more terrified. Funny how opposite states can exist as one for a baby loss mom. I have the exact same due date as Holden since I O'd on exactly the same date. Part of me is terrified with this. I'm going to be so worried in November, wondering if I'm going to add another angel baby to this month. The other part is so excited and feels like it will honor the memory of Holden. Maybe it's good luck! I hope this time I get my May baby. My May rainbow.

Maybe...

So I decided to take a test today. I figured if it was negative it would mean for sure that I'm not pregnant. My logic was that I took a test at 10DPO when I was pregnant with Parker and it was negative. I took one at 14DPO and it was very positive. I figured somewhere in there it turns positive so why not test at 11DPO, the day before AF arrives? It might be positive if I'm pregnant. Really, the idea of waiting even one day more was excruciating to me. There seemed to be a very faint line, which I would expect considering at 10DPO it would be negative, but it could have been my mind willing the indent line to be a real line. I'm not sure. I might be pregnant.

I have been so convinced I'm not because of having no symptoms...other than slightly more frequent trips to the bathroom. My breasts and nipples aren't sore or tender at all, which happened before a positive in my previous pregnancies, though they have felt a little heavier. In my last post I said that I was breaking out and I thought it was clearing up....well I woke up with about 5 more pimples today. Also, my temp went up from 98.46 to 98.49. That isn't a huge difference, basically the same temp, but this is the third cycle I've temped and for the last two cycles on the day before AF arrived my temp dropped about .1 or .2 degrees. We'll see tomorrow. KYFX for me!

Trying to Live Life

My stress is consuming. I have been so overwhelmed with our finances lately. We only have about $1100 left to pay off and are going to try and pay it off in 2 months. Having a plan is a relief and I think we are doing pretty well but it doesn't help me from turning into money control freak every single time a bill is due or Andrew spends money. I get so stressed I have cried.

For a brief lapse in my insanity (yep) I decided to let loose and spend a little money. Andrew and I got tickets to two concerts. I thought after the horrible year we had that we deserved a little fun. We already went to see Rufus Wainwright. If his was the only concert I went to in my entire life, I'd be happy with that. It was amazing. He has the most beautiful voice. His sister, Martha, opened for him and she had a beautifully unique voice as well.

The next concert we are going to is Muse with Silversun Pickups. I can't wait! Of course I had buyer’s remorse about an hour after I bought tickets (I bought them both the same day so...$220 came out at the same time). I think it's because I feel guilty when we spend money on one thing when we could have applied it to the medical bills. That has become my mentality lately and I can't think like that. I can't live life in constant worry.

Andrew and I used to treat ourselves once in a while with certain purchases and now I have a panic attack when we spend money. There have been some purchases Andrew made where I made him feel bad about it. I didn't mean to but my worry is so intense that I can't help but think how each purchase will affect our financial stability. I think we're not going to pay off these bills because he spent $10 on ice cream or $30 buying Dexter Season 4 for me. I do think he needs to work on not being such an impulse shopper but I need to work on not obsessing so much.

I've just been trying to live my life as well as I possibly can. It's so hard though. I can't go back to who I was before I lost my babies. Things I used to get joy out of are usually somehow a trigger for my pain. Everything is a reminder of what my life isn't. I've been crying a lot lately. For a month now, out of nowhere, things seem to just bring on the tears. I wondered why it's so much harder now, 4 months after losing Parker, than it was after we lost Holden. I think becoming pregnant with Parker 3 months after losing Holden helped soften my pain and I didn't really deal with losing Holden in the first place. Then, when we lost Parker, I really let myself grieve for both of them. There is still no next pregnancy to help with my grief. It makes it worse.

I'll find out Friday if there will be another baby on the way. I'm not feeling very hopeful again this cycle. Other than more frequent urination in the middle of the night, which is probably just because I'm just drinking more water lately, I have no symptoms. I'm breaking out pretty bad, which has been a preg symptom, but I think it's clearing up so AF is probably on her way. I had some cramping earlier today so yet another not pregnancy symptom. *sigh* I guess I’ll see if my temp drops Friday morning.