Disappointed

I got some rather disappointing news a week ago. I found out that the pap they did at my last prenatal appointment came back abnormal. They wanted to add on HPV testing to see if it came back and that I should hear back the next week (which was last Monday).

Never heard anything last week until Friday when the nurse called to tell me I had a bladder infection but antibiotics would clear that up. I've never had a bladder infection before and didn't notice any symptoms until Andrew pointed out I was going to the bathroom a lot more lately. Other than that, no pain or odor. Annoying, but not the worst thing in the world. I then asked about the HPV testing. They hadn't heard anything but she was going to call around, see what happened to the results.

She called back at 3:00pm and told me it had come back positive. I had already prepared myself for it but it didn't make it any less difficult. I decided to leave work early because I couldn't help but start crying. It was too much to handle. My body is just not going to clear it up. That's why my mom had to have a hysterectomy in her 30's.

I'm faced with knowing that in the next 2-3 years, if untreated, I will get cervical cancer. I've already had 2 LEEPs and have an extremely incompetent cervix, so what can I do now? Is this my last chance to have a child? If I have another m/c am I never going to be able to have a child? If I have another LEEP will my cervix be even weaker? Will a cerclage still work then? Should I just get pregnant again right away? So many what-ifs. I feel even more now that the clock is ticking and I'm running out of time to have the family I always dreamed of.

The nurse basically told me that my situation has gone beyond what a general practitioner GYN can handle. I need to go to the Women's Clinic. I've decided at my appointment with the specialist (an OB/GYN at the Women's Clinic) this Thursday, I am going to ask him if he deals with that and if he would be willing to see me after I have the baby. I don't want to do anything until the baby is born. The next step is a colposcopy but I don't need anything else to aggravate my already sensitive cervix!

So, that has put me in a rather depressed mood lately. I might have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 25. How ridiculous is that?! I'm getting more and more terrified that something is going to go wrong and when we go in Thursday there isn't going to be a heartbeat or something horrible. I know there is no reason to have these fears but I can't help it. I've so been trying not to drive myself crazy with the doppler either but it's hard not to. I just wish I could find the heartbeat to reassure myself. I know it's too early and with my tilted uterus, it might be even later before I find the heartbeat. I wish there was just someway to know everything was fine instead of having to wait and wait and wait. Patience has been difficult for me during this pregnancy.

All of this made it extremely difficult to tell Andrew’s family over Easter weekend. I want them to know but I don’t. I’m too afraid to get excited and attached. I already am but I feel like when other people get excited, it becomes more real. Also, I feel like if something goes wrong it hurts them just as much and I have added guilt that I let them down.

I have to stop this. Think positive. Think positive. Think positive. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what news Thursday brings. Hopefully it will be good news!