Pointless follow-up

We had our 2 week follow-up on Monday with the doctor that did the cerclage. At least that's what we thought. Originally the appointment was meant to be my 16 week appointment but became my follow-up, only the Women's Clinic didn't get the memo. I feel I should point out that when we went in for a cerclage consult a month ago, for our second pregnancy, the computer system said that I was 36 weeks pregnant with Holden, our first child. I also received a call, just a week and a half ago, offering support and sending informational materials for the loss of our son, Parker. They're not exactly on top of their game.

Anyhow, when we went in for the appointment it was still scheduled for my 16 week follow-up and it was with some PA who I had never met before. When I scheduled the appointment I specifically asked for the doctor that did my cerclage and was told that he was who it was with. The nurse felt really bad about her mistake, carrying the doppler out of the room, and Andrew said she seemed extremely awkward after I said "this is our 2 week follow-up to my miscarriage." I didn't notice. She said she would notify the PA.

Well, once the PA came in and opened her mouth we realized the appointment was pretty much useless. The advice she had to offer was that it could have been a bacterial infection, which often happens when you have an incompetent cervix (even though everything I "passed" was free of bacterial infection and they found no infection in my urine?). She said the docs I had seen at the hospital during the m/c were in the building at the time and she had talked to them and they suggested I see a peri, which we already have an appointment with. Also, that there are other cerclages and options we have, like an abdominal cerclage and more bed rest.

I realize that she was seeing a patient she had never seen before and had to read my medical history out of computer files just 10 minutes before she met me, but I was still upset. First off, I wanted to see OUR doctor. Second, I wanted some more answers or ideas of what it could be. Even if it had been our doctor I thought that we would probably come out with no new information, but he seemed like a knowledgeable and proactive doctor so I thought maybe we could learn something! I really doubt that both losses have been on account of IC or bacterial infections due to IC. She said something along the lines of waiting until after we see the peri. My plan all along.

On the other hand, she did look in the system and confirm it was a boy. That's what the doctor's guess was and what I thought all along, though I was having some people tell me it was a girl, but it was still...profound. Prior to that, we had decided not to give our little one a name, me referring to him as pumpkin. In a way, this helped with my grief. Even though I saw and held my baby, I didn't necessarily identify it as anything but my child. Now he had more meaning. This was my second little boy. Now I had to mourn my two sons.

I cried on the way home. Now it wasn't "I lost my second child." It was, "I lost my second little boy." I decided that we must name him. I didn't feel right giving the baby a name when we weren't sure what it was. Even if we would never know for the rest of our lives, I didn't want to think fondly upon a little girl if it was a boy, and vice versa. Now that we knew, it seemed wrong to not give him a name. A lot of baby name sites have sibling names, so that's what I looked for. Andrew and I originally saw Holden in a baby name book. Andrew liked it right away because it's the main character in "Catcher in the Rye." I haven't read it, yet, but Andrew told me that character is essentially the protector of children. He catches children running through a field before they get to the edge and fall off of a cliff. It seemed so appropriate. It just seemed to fit. I later found out that the character's last name, Caulfield, potentially refers to "caul," the protective membrane around a child (amniotic sac). Even more fitting. Among Holden’s sibling names, I came across the name Parker. I have always liked that name. When I looked it up, it is literally the protector of the park. I felt like it had such connection with Holden. Protector of the park teamed with the protector of children in the field. Both protectors, both have connections with nature. The names seem well suited for each other. I miss my Holden and Parker. I hope they know I love them and miss them so very much. I miss you, my little boys.