10 days

Well, it's been ten days since I lost my second little one. It seems like so much time has passed and like it could have just happened yesterday. Time changes in grief. Hours and seconds tick by in a completely different way than for everyone else. I feel lost in time and the days are meaningless. I think that's because I've been pretty worthless lately. Andrew and I have been off work, taking time for ourselves, and I don't think I have ever watched so much tv; not even last time. I'm sure time will start making more since when I go back to work tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say about how I've been doing. The day after, when I woke up at home, no longer pregnant, I felt like I had been hit by a car. My entire body was sore and my muscles ached with every movement. During this time I found out that Vicodin does nothing for me. Great. I had to take Ibuprofen instead. My throat didn't hurt so much anymore but it was like I had lost my voice. I could barely talk. I was in shock that day. Everything felt like a dream; any minute I was going to wake up and I'd still be a perfectly happy pregnant woman.

My soreness went away after a week but I had new added pain during that time. My milk came in yet again. This time I had been more prepared, putting on two sports bras the minute we got home from the hospital. I didn't want it to happen again. I didn't get so engorged this time so it wasn't as painful. They've gone down quite a bit already but they're still sore. I hate so much that my body does this. There is no reason for it. Damn hormones.

I had my follow-up with my usual OB/GYN last Wednesday. Have I stated how much I like her? I've been seeing her for about 4 years and she seems to care so much. She genuinely wants to know how you're doing and is so good at listening and answering any questions we have. Andrew likes that she acknowledges and speaks to him too, unlike other doctors and nurses that seem to focus solely on me, the patient. Anyway, she referred us to a perinatologist. She is on the same page as us thinking that this is not related to cervical incompetence. We have an appointment May 25th in Denver to meet with the peri and hopefully get some answers about what is happening, why, and how to fix it (hopefully).

I'm happy to have that appointment scheduled. I want some answers. I think one of the hardest parts of loss is the not knowing why. It always hurts, but when you don't know why it sticks in the back of your mind, tormenting you. This loss was so identical to before but my cervix was fine this time. Andrew and I have talked and think that something is triggering me to go into preterm labor. The cramping and pain I felt was probably contractions. When they found my cervix effacing the first time, I think it was because I was already in labor, not that my cervix effacing caused my water to break. This time the cerclage was doing its job and holding the cervix shut. I think maybe that is why the cramps were more intense this time; my cervix was trying to open and shorten but it had to go against the stitches, which weren't budging. Still, what is causing this to happen? I wonder if the bleeding has anything to do with it. I've read that blood weakens the membranes and irritates the uterus, which can cause contractions. Everyone who I talked to or told about how much bleeding I had says that doesn't seem right. Even when I went to my doctors they never really had a definitive answer for me. Could I have a clotting disorder? A gene mutation? Is something wrong with my uterus? I hope these are questions the peri can answer. I want to be tested for anything that could cause this and figure out what to do so I never have to lose another baby.

In some ways, this loss has been much harder, especially for Andrew. We thought we knew what the problem was and we fixed it. I was on bed rest. We had so much hope that this was going to be our rainbow baby. We were doing everything right! I knew in my heart that we did everything we could and was so positive until I started bleeding. That's when I started having doubts about whether everything was fine. I was worried about every little thing. Andrew just thought I was being paranoid and stressing too much but I know my body. He was so convinced that everything was fine and didn't lose hope until the end. I think that's why it hit him so hard this time. It wasn't as much of a shock for me this time, though. Even though we were doing everything right, this happened before and we knew there was a possibility it could happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again and we had a much more horrible hospital experience this time, to boot. If I never have to see another hospital in my life, it will be too soon. I hope that a positive hospital experience is part of my future.

It is so hard to get to the second trimester and then have a loss. That is supposed to be the safe point. It's hard to even think about trying again. I know we will, but not until we have some answers. This has hit us hard and we may need more time to heal this time. It was still difficult trying again this last time, after a loss, but the second pregnancy was supposed to be fine since we knew the answer. We're back at square one again and don't know how the next pregnancy will turn out. Sigh.

That is too much to worry about right now. I have more imminent obstacles to overcome. For one, Mother's Day is this weekend. I thought I was starting to heal a little but with every commercial on tv or picture I see in a magazine, my heart breaks a little bit. I'm the mom of two angels. It's not fair. I know a lot of people don't think of me as a mom but in my heart I am and its only desire is to hold my babies. Also, the 16th of this month was supposed to be Holden's due date. I should be celebrating the birth of my child this month but instead I'm grieving his death and the loss of his little sibling. On top of all these intense emotions I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm terrified of it. I don't know how I can face those people again. I don’t want to see their sad looks, knowing that they feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity, I just want comfort and understanding. I really hope they don't ignore me again this time. That was so difficult and made me feel so isolated and alone. I want my baby to be acknowledged. He or she may not be alive but they existed and I loved them more than anything. I need people to know that my babies were real even if they aren't here with us. I miss and love them so much.