Only time will tell

I started this blog after my miscarriage, and though I do mention it in every post, I realize I've been overly cautious and I'm unsure why. I think a lot of it has to do with trying again. I'm so terrified of people knowing because of the "what-if" factor. What if we do get pregnant? What if we don't? What if something goes wrong again? This defeats the purpose of starting a blog in the first place! I wanted a place where I could write down my feelings and figure out what's going on in my mind and heart instead of freaking out in silence. Then I thought no one probably reads this anyway. :)

First, I want to talk about updates in the part of my life that don't involve trying to conceive (TTC) because those are easier and more straight forward. As for the weight loss goal...I fail. After a week I got to 121lbs, which was 1lb short of my goal. I was so proud of myself! Then the next day I get on the scale and I'm back at 123lbs. Seriously?? It's been fluctuating daily but staying in the 122lbs range. I'm ok with that because I'm only 2lbs heavier than I was when I was pregnant before, which the doc said was totally healthy. It's my fault because I've stopped working out. Horrible, I know. I just haven't been motivated. I'm going to try and start doing light exercise again soon; it's just too much to deal with right now.

That leads me to the TTC portion of today's post. I have learned more about conception than I ever thought possible. I know about the changes in a woman's body, hormone surges, tests to predict ovulation, and so much more. It's pretty amazing the signs we are given that "it's time" and yet we may not even notice or be aware of. Right now I'm using ovulation predictor kits (OPK) to determine when I ovulate and the best time to baby dance (BD). I have anything except a normal cycle and here on CD18, still no ovulation. I'm really starting to understand why so many women find OPKs frustrating! Based on my cycles (30-35 days) I should ovulate by this weekend at the latest, otherwise I have faulty tests, I didn't ovulate, or I missed the LH surge that they detect. I hope I just haven't ovulated yet and it's coming soon!

I'm really starting to get discouraged. It was so easy to stay positive and optimistic at first. We decided to go with the sperm meets egg plan. I started doing the OPKs, negative at first, then a faint line...which pretty much hasn't gotten any darker in a week. I know every brand is different and even from woman to woman they can have dissimilarities, but I was hoping I would fit into the norm. When I got to CD15 and the line still wasn't any darker, that's when I started stressing. I don't want to stress. A big part of me was already setting myself up for a BFN (big fat negative). I figured if I didn't have any expectations or hopes then I couldn't be let down. That's not me though. I know once I'm in the 2WW (2 week wait) I will be obsessing over every symptom and taking pregnancy tests like it's nobody's business. Either way, I would have been able to stay calm until after ovulation, my first "obstacle," but since it hasn't come yet I'm already driving myself crazy! Those damn test stripes are tormenting me with their unchanging lines!!

I'm not overly stressed but if I continue to obsess about this I'm afraid that I will be under too much stress to conceive. TTC is supposed to be fun but sometimes it's hard to be spontaneous and passionate when you're on a schedule. And many people will tell me to just relax. Easier said than done. Those people don't know what goes on in the minds of woman who have lost their child. It makes you constantly afraid. It takes away your ignorance and naivety. I will never be one of those women who are just happy and excited in their pregnancy thinking that nothing can go wrong. I will always have this underlying worry that at any moment my child's life can be taken away from me for any known or unknown reason. That is what drives us. Our desire to have a family more than anything in the world and our fear that it could happen again. Every time is another set-back. Every time another piece of your heart is broken beyond repair.

Patience is not one of my strong suits. I'm a little depressed that this hasn't gone exactly the way I thought it would so far but I just have to be patient. I can't already be preparing for the worst! I just need to take it one day at a time. I want it to happen NOW but it doesn't work like that. I think that will be one of my goals over the next few weeks- trying to work on being more patient. After all, if we do get pregnant, that is going to be a necessity over the next 9 months so I better start working on it now!