Disappointed

I got some rather disappointing news a week ago. I found out that the pap they did at my last prenatal appointment came back abnormal. They wanted to add on HPV testing to see if it came back and that I should hear back the next week (which was last Monday).

Never heard anything last week until Friday when the nurse called to tell me I had a bladder infection but antibiotics would clear that up. I've never had a bladder infection before and didn't notice any symptoms until Andrew pointed out I was going to the bathroom a lot more lately. Other than that, no pain or odor. Annoying, but not the worst thing in the world. I then asked about the HPV testing. They hadn't heard anything but she was going to call around, see what happened to the results.

She called back at 3:00pm and told me it had come back positive. I had already prepared myself for it but it didn't make it any less difficult. I decided to leave work early because I couldn't help but start crying. It was too much to handle. My body is just not going to clear it up. That's why my mom had to have a hysterectomy in her 30's.

I'm faced with knowing that in the next 2-3 years, if untreated, I will get cervical cancer. I've already had 2 LEEPs and have an extremely incompetent cervix, so what can I do now? Is this my last chance to have a child? If I have another m/c am I never going to be able to have a child? If I have another LEEP will my cervix be even weaker? Will a cerclage still work then? Should I just get pregnant again right away? So many what-ifs. I feel even more now that the clock is ticking and I'm running out of time to have the family I always dreamed of.

The nurse basically told me that my situation has gone beyond what a general practitioner GYN can handle. I need to go to the Women's Clinic. I've decided at my appointment with the specialist (an OB/GYN at the Women's Clinic) this Thursday, I am going to ask him if he deals with that and if he would be willing to see me after I have the baby. I don't want to do anything until the baby is born. The next step is a colposcopy but I don't need anything else to aggravate my already sensitive cervix!

So, that has put me in a rather depressed mood lately. I might have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 25. How ridiculous is that?! I'm getting more and more terrified that something is going to go wrong and when we go in Thursday there isn't going to be a heartbeat or something horrible. I know there is no reason to have these fears but I can't help it. I've so been trying not to drive myself crazy with the doppler either but it's hard not to. I just wish I could find the heartbeat to reassure myself. I know it's too early and with my tilted uterus, it might be even later before I find the heartbeat. I wish there was just someway to know everything was fine instead of having to wait and wait and wait. Patience has been difficult for me during this pregnancy.

All of this made it extremely difficult to tell Andrew’s family over Easter weekend. I want them to know but I don’t. I’m too afraid to get excited and attached. I already am but I feel like when other people get excited, it becomes more real. Also, I feel like if something goes wrong it hurts them just as much and I have added guilt that I let them down.

I have to stop this. Think positive. Think positive. Think positive. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what news Thursday brings. Hopefully it will be good news!

What's next

After my OB appointment last week, I called the specialist and got an appointment for April 8th. It's a cerclage consult. I'm not sure exactly what will happen but I'm guessing he'll want to do an u/s to take a look at my cervix. Another chance to see our pumpkin! It's at Medical Center of the Rockies this time instead of by PVH (he switches between offices) so we'll have to leave early. That kind of sucks because I'm trying to save up as much time as possible for when/if I have to go on bed rest or for maternity leave. I don't want to keep taking unpaid time off to go to these doctors appointments (I don't get paid leave until this week in April...I think).

After the spotting I had on Monday and Tuesday, it stopped...until Friday. It was full on, bright red blood. Nothing in the mucus this time. Of course, I can't get a break. It was less than it had been and there wasn't any the next time I went to the bathroom, so I decided not to worry about it. We just had an u/s and I still had all the pregnancy symptoms.

Since then, I've been fine. Until today. Well, really, the last few days I've been feeling great. Too great, in fact. Monday was the worst day for morning sickness so far. Still no vomiting but it came closer than ever before. Then on Tuesday I felt fantastic. Same on Wednesday and today. I'm still having some headaches, a little bit of nausea, but feel so much better than I have. I'm trying to enjoy it and tell myself that it's not uncommon to have come-and-go, vanishing symptoms. Well, there was a little pink this morning. Very little. Still enough to freak me out. We still have a week before the appointment and I'm going to be worried the whole time now.

I bought a doppler from Amazon. Right after we had the first ultrasound. It's really nice! I figured it would give me peace of mind. Even after all the controversy on BBC about whether to get one; so many women post about not being able to find the heart beat and freak out. I'm not naive, I know there is a good chance that I won't be able to hear the heartbeat with it until 12 weeks. I'm just going to keep trying and not worry that I can't hear anything. I'm only 10w3d after all...if the ultrasound dating is even correct. According to when I ovulated I would be 10 weeks exactly today so it would make sense why I haven't been able to find it yet. I'm going to try again Friday so that either way, I’ll be at least halfway through 10 weeks so I have a much better chance of hearing it. I wish I could, it would really reassure me until the appointment next week.

So that's my life lately. I'm just being a big worrier for my baby. I don't know how women once upon a time did this. No u/s until 20 weeks and just assuming everything was ok. I guess that's all I can do now too. Just hope that everything is fine. Another count down to the next appointment begins. 1 week and we get to figure out what's next.

Relief

It has been a rough few days. I've been spotting on and off for the last few weeks. It was always very minimal. It happened some in weeks 5 and 6 and seemed to disappear. Then some more came back at the beginning of week 8 which turned to full on bleeding. Sunday, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was blood. It was mostly dark red, some pink and some bright red, but I had to wipe several times before there was no more. It was enough to wear a panty liner. It continued on Monday. It wasn't constant but would occur several times during the day and always with lots of cervical mucus.

Obviously, I was freaked out. I kept thinking this is exactly what happened last time. I started light period like bleeding, my cervix started to efface, and within a week we lost the baby. I couldn't help but think things like "what if I'm miscarrying again?" "What if it's just a blighted ovum?" "What if it's twins and it's too much on my cervix?"

I didn't call the doctor sooner because we already had an appointment on Monday with my OB and for an u/s. She did an exam and said there wasn't so much blood that she was worried. It's a good sign that the blood has been in the cervical mucus and that it's not a lot of bleeding. She also said my cervix looked a little more open than she would have liked but nothing of too much concern right now. We would have to wait until the ultrasound to determine if that was a problem. Well, of course I was thinking there would be a problem. I was very scared of the idea that maybe they wouldn't find anything on the ultrasound or that what they did find wouldn't have a heartbeat.

Much to my relief, we got to see the little pumpkin! He/she was measuring at 8 weeks and 6 days. That's 3 days further along than I thought and 2 days behind what the doctor's office thought. We got to see the little one wiggling around on the screen, moving its little nubs. There was a good healthy heartbeat of 157bpm. Also, the inside of my cervix is still closed, which is the important part. Everything's perfect!

Unfortunately, the ultrasound tech was a little dumb. She said she's never seen a request to check cervical length this early in pregnancy (really, at 9 weeks it's that unusual?) and due to gestational age it's hard to determine where the cervix begins and ends. Um, under normal conditions shouldn’t your cervix stay the same length for the duration of pregnancy? I told her why they wanted to do it (due to incompetent cervix) but she still called their "guru" who couldn't even find what a normal cervical length should be. Are you kidding me? This is the expert? Any woman on baby center that has a cervical disorder can tell you what is normal and what is bad. I told her what the specialist that was going to do the cerclage last time told me (4-5 cm and anything below 2.5 is something to be concerned about) although I don't think she took me seriously. She also seemed to think that 9 weeks was early for an u/s. I think that is about average for a lot of women to get their first u/s. Ah well, she was able to show us the baby and that's all that matters!

There's a baby in me. A real, living baby. It was so hard not to cry. I'm still worried by the fact that my cervix isn't 100% closed, but at the same time, she never did an exam on me while I was pregnant before so maybe that's just what I look like when I'm closed. Or maybe from now on this is just what it's like for me to be pregnant. I wish I could have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy, but that's just not in the stars for me I guess. I don't care what happens as long as I have a beautiful, living, healthy baby to hold in my arms at the end of this all. 9 weeks down and only 31 to go!

Nausea returns

I had a little more spotting last week. On Friday morning there was some reddish-brown discharge when I went to the bathroom. Of course, it freaked me out. It is still less than any spotting I experienced in the last pregnancy but it put me in a bad mood. I kept thinking "I'm feeling great and having spotting, that can't be good. I wish I felt like crap!"

Well, that was the first morning I started feeling a little more nauseas than I had been. Not much, but still enough to be some-what comforting. I also started getting a bit of a headache at work when I was doing computer work. That happened last pregnancy and I kept waiting for it this time around. Then on Saturday and Sunday I pretty much felt horrible all day. I was in bed for most of those days, drinking ginger ale, and unable to watch tv because it strained my eyes, which causes the headaches.

So, the dreaded headaches are back. They are awful but reassuring! There have actually been times during the morning and day when I feel like I could potentially throw up. I've had to start snacking at work more because an empty stomach makes it so much worse. I hope no one has noticed! That reminds me, I need to bring more pretzels from home. Unfortunately, I got on the scale this morning and it was up to a whopping 127! Are you kidding me? Granted, that was after my breakfast. I had a whole blueberry muffin and half a can of ginger ale. I was also wearing a pretty baggy sweatshirt, but still, that can only account for 2lbs tops! I've even been losing my appetite lately and having some pretty extreme food aversions so I don't know how I'm gaining weight.

All in all, I'm pretty excited to be feeling...well, pregnant! Even the horrible parts of it are great! I'm still counting down the days until the ultrasound, though. I was thinking about it yesterday and started to tear up. It's going to be so wonderful. I can't wait to see our little one! Only 6 more days!

Feeling great and hating it

I feel absolutely great today. I woke up feeling well rested and fantastic. No nausea. Even the stinky kitchen didn't bother me. This sucks. For a little bit after breakfast I felt a little...uncomfortable? I think that was just because I chugged my orange juice. I felt fine by the time I left for work. Staring at the computer this morning didn't bother me and I have yet to get one of those horrible headaches. I never thought I would wish so badly to throw-up. To have a horrible headache. I want to feel like crap right now.

When I was pregnant before I would have rejoiced on a day like today. It's so hard to enjoy feeling good when I can't stop thinking about what it could mean. I hope it's nothing. I'm sick of these vanishing symptoms though. I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow and I hope I feel like absolute crap when I wake up. Anything to know this baby is here and still ok. 11 more days until my u/s...

Paranoid

With my doctor's appointment so far away, I'm starting to get paranoid about my pregnancy. For one, lack of morning sickness. I gagged for the first time a couple of days ago. It happened again yesterday when I wiped up where my dog vomited in her kennel. It also happened this morning when I was getting breakfast and when I brushed my teeth. The kitchen has always been horrible for me when pregnant because even if it doesn't smell bad, just the smell of normal food can set me off. Aside from the gagging, I haven't really been nauseous. I've had a little bit of headaches in the morning and when I eat too big of a breakfast, like an entire bagel and glass of orange juice (so huge, right?), sometimes I'll feel a little sick. Still, I haven't had even one instant where I thought that I might seriously throw-up. Last time by the end of 6 weeks I hadn't thrown-up but the morning sickness was so bad I would gag constantly in the morning until I ate breakfast, which I had to do laying down or else I might throw-up. Maybe I should just enjoy the lack of morning sickness. Not all pregnant women have it. It wasn't bad last time so maybe it will be even less this time. Maybe I shouldn't compare it to last time either; it was awhile ago and I might not be remembering it exactly. All pregnancies are different, right? It's freaking me out though. If I threw-up, I would know that everything is fine.

Another thing is the headaches. I got such horrible headaches during my last pregnancy. They would start within half an hour of getting to work and looking at the computer. Watching tv when I got home became impossible without dimming all the lights, putting a cold wash cloth on my head, and closing my eyes during the commercials. My eyes and head would hurt all day and I was taking Tylenol every single day which barely helped. I've had the headaches, but they're not as bad. I'm kind of afraid they're fading because last week at work they seemed worse than they have been this week. Could it just be that I'm having a good week? The headaches were the worst thing about being pregnant before and the one thing that made me want to punish my husband for doing this to me. I could handle all else but them. I guess I should be celebrating.

I had pseudo spotting yesterday and today. I think. Yesterday morning when I wiped there was faint pink on the toilet paper. Later, at work, and this is going to sound gross, but I had a bit of discharge that came out into the toilet and also appeared to have pink in it. It was just those two times and it was so miniscule that it might have been nothing. Then, this morning I wiped, and nothing, but when I go to flush I see a few reddish-brown spots on the bottom of the toilet. I'm not sure if it was blood that came out of me or what. They didn't look like clots. Again, they were so small I almost didn't even see them. I wish I hadn't. I don't want to freak out for no reason. I had some instances of brown discharge last time around that I didn't talk to my doctor about in the beginning and all was fine. I've already told myself that I'll make note of it but I'm not going to worry unless it becomes bright red and/or is accompanied with pain.

It sucks being paranoid. I wonder if it's something that all pregnant women who've lost a child before go through. I feel like I'm being extremely critical of everything that is happening to me and my body and overannalyzing to the point that it's driving me crazy. Fact is, when I first found out I was pregnant, the only symptoms I really had were frequent urination, barely sore nipples, and sleeplessness. Now I have those plus my entire breasts are sore and bigger, my stomach is getting a little bigger, I have headaches, I have nausea (sort of), and I'm hungry all the time! All this at 6 weeks and 5 days. My symptoms are clearly increasing so I'm probably worrying about nothing. Agh, I wish I could just be happy and content and not worry about everything. I just have to wait 12 more days until my u/s and I'm sure everything will be fine. That day can't come soon enough.

A little irked

I don't understand the logic of my doctor. Why did I have to give blood three times to monitor my hCG levels in order to determine when I could go in for an ultrasound? I was under the impression it was because my doctor wanted me to go in for an early u/s. Why was I under that impression? Maybe because that's what one of the nurses told me.

Well, I got a call today from my doctor's nurse (my numbers are great by the way) and I'm not scheduled for the first ultrasound until March 22nd, which is also the same day of my first prenatal appointment. Right after, actually. Luckily, the imaging center is just a few minutes from my doctor's office so we can go straight there. I'm just upset because that is still a week and a half away and I'll be 8 weeks and 3 days that Monday, though they think I'm 5 days further along than I am, so "9" weeks, and I'll just be getting an ultrasound. Last time we got the u/s when I was 6 weeks and a few days, though they thought I was in the middle of 8 weeks.

Still, even if they think I'm 9 weeks, that is so far from an early u/s. 6 weeks is early, 9 weeks is not. I also don't understand why they monitored my levels at all. Why didn't they just schedule the u/s for 8-9 weeks in the first place. Even if they were a week or two off, I still would have been 6-7 weeks and you can see a baby and heartbeat on the screen by early to mid 6 weeks. The ultrasound isn't only about checking on the baby, it's about checking cervical length too, which I thought they wanted to monitor closely.

Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor and all, but I thought she was supposed to be more proactive this time! I have no clue as to what is going on right now. Has she contacted the high risk doctor who told me that he wants to know as soon as I'm pregnant? I'm sure I will have to have an appointment with him before I can schedule a time for my cerclage. Last time she was able to call and tell the office it was an emergency and got me in right away. She said normally it can take a month or two to get an appointment. So, unless she calls them again and gets me in, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll have a month from the time of my first u/s and prenatal appointment to when he wanted to do the cerclage. I'm frustrated because I don't feel in the loop at all, though it's not like most doctors probably just call to talk to patients and let them know every little thing. I'm sure I'll find out a lot on my appointment on the 22nd but it seems so far away. It's not like my cervix is going to start effacing before then and there is always the chance that I could have one of those normal first trimester miscarriages, which they could do nothing about. I just want to see my little baby and it's flickering heart and know that everything is fine. I want to know what plans are for me for April and my cerclage.

This is stressing me out.

Something's cooking!

I need to start being more consistent with my blogging. When I last wrote I had a BFN and was going to test again at the end of the week. Well, I wasn't crazy! Well...at least about all the symptoms. I'm going to have a baby! I tested in the morning on Friday, February 19th and got my BFP. At that time I had been waking up every day around 2:00 AM to pee. Well, of course it happened that day too and I was determined to hold it, afraid if I went that my urine would not be concentrated enough when I got up at 6:00 AM. Well, by 5:00 AM I hadn't really been able to sleep much and decided to just get up and take it. The line showed up almost immediately. I could not stop smiling. I went back to bed after, cuddled up next to Andrew and whispered in his ear "you're going to be a daddy again." "Yay" was his half asleep response. It was really cute. When he got up and saw the test on the bathroom counter he asked me if I was going to test again. Why, I asked. To make sure it's really positive! Haha. A positive is a positive but I had another test so I took it the next day any way just to see the line again!

As of today I am 6 weeks and 3 days, according to my own calculations. Since the doctor's office bases due dates off of a 28 day cycle, day 14 ovulation (which I am clearly do not fit into), they think I'm about 5 days more pregnant than I am. Silly doctors. I went in the Monday following my positive to take a urine test. They agreed that I was indeed preggers. I got set-up with my OB intake appointment and had to have some blood drawn to check my hCG levels (to determine when to have the early ultrasound).

The OB intake appointment went quickly. It was exactly the same questions we went through last time- family genetics/diseases. You would think that they would check back on previous ones! That information doesn't usually change. Since we were just in there last September she went through them fast which was nice. Then we got set-up for our first prenatal appointment with my doctor. March 22nd. I'm excited. I'm hoping by then we will have done an ultrasound and we can talk about where I'm at and what happens next. I have had my blood drawn three times, Friday being the last time. Since I was 6 weeks on Friday I'm hoping my levels are high enough that they will make the u/s appointment. I'm sick of getting stabbed in the arm and I'm ready to see that little bean and the heartbeat!

As for me, I'm both excited and terrified. I've been very nervous about everything so far. I'm almost scared to get too excited. I have the symptoms, so I know I'm pregnant, but it doesn't feel entirely real. I think it's just the way I'm coping with my fears right now. Yet, at the same time, I've been researching about a lot of things like crazy.

I joined the October birth group on baby center and have found out a lot of information which has led me to do research on topics I wasn't well informed on. For one, circumcision. I never used to care either way but figured we'd probably circumcise because that's what we've done in my family. After reading tons of articles and scientific papers, watching documentaries and short videos by doctors, and watching an actual infant circumcision, I've decided that I'm am 100% against circumcision. It is one of the most brutal things I have ever seen and I would never hurt my child like that for something that is an elective, essentially cosmetic, procedure. I could seriously write an entire post about it...but I won't. Another thing is informing myself on hospital births. I recently watched "The Business of Being Born" which was a little too pro-mid wife for my tastes but opened my eyes to what to watch out for at the hospital and things to talk to my doctor about. The number of c-sections in this country is just outrageous. Unfortunately, a lot of it is due to the decisions of the doctors and the fact that parents are going to trust the specialist and aren't informed themselves. My feeling is the baby will come when it wants to, not when the doctors want it too and I don't agree that they should induce unless there is a medically necessary reason. You only get that one chance to give birth to that child and it should be the experience you want. Don't let the doctors take it away from you. Also, giving birth flat on our backs increases the risk of interventions which aren't really necessary (episiotomies, vacuum/forceps). Doesn't going with gravity make more sense? If I wasn't high risk I would seriously consider doing a natural at home birth with a mid-wife. It is really an amazing experience.

Sorry to go on a rant and make this a long post! I've just become very informed and passionate about certain parent related decisions lately. I feel like I know so much more this time around at this early stage than I even knew by the end of my last pregnancy. It's just really exciting that I'm going to be a parent again so I want to make informed decisions and make the right choices for my child. Another thing I've been doing lately is looking at baby products. Part of me doesn't feel like this pregnancy is real and the other part of me is eager to have the opportunities I never had before, like looking at cribs, strollers, walkers, toys, etc. I think I'm going to stop that until the second trimester because it's overwhelming. So many choices...how do you know which is the right one?! Last time I was never so anxious to buy things for the baby. Yeah, when we walked by the baby sections of stores it was hard to resist going in a looking but I was in no rush. For some reason now the urge to buy things is much stronger. Pretty annoying.

That's life for now. I'm just trying to remain positive and take things as they come. Despite all my fears, I'm so happy right now. I can't wait until October to meet my little pumpkin!

Source: http://www.cyndesminis.com/holidayspage.html

Is there anybody in there?

I took a pregnancy test on Valentine's Day. Even though I was only 9 DPO I figured that there may be a chance of an early positive. I even dreamt about it all night. I had a dream where I had the pregnancy stick and took it in to the kitchen to look at it because I didn't want Andrew to see what I was doing. The second line appeared and it was so dark that the dye slowly covered the whole white part. In my dream I knew it meant it was super positive. I did it again to show Andrew to see if he saw. He did. Then I woke up to pee on the stick and get a big fat negative. I knew that it was still pretty early and not likely, but it was still a little disappointing.

I'm noticing symptoms but trying to ignore them. I'm afraid that they're in my head or that dear Aunt Flow is being a tricky bitch and wants to get my hopes up before showing up and breaking my heart. First symptom- frequent urination. Seriously! Over the last week I've had to pee so much more often and I've been waking up in the middle of the night to go, just like when I was pregnant. I've had to start watching what I drink before bed again. Second symptom- sleeplessness. Since about two days after ovulation I've had the hardest time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep and then I constantly wake up to toss and turn. Once I get up to pee it's almost guaranteed that I will not be getting back to sleep. These are the symptoms that I believe the most in. These are not things I can fake or make up and they're not period related. I don't drink more than I ever have during the day, so that's not why I'm making more trips to the bathroom, and I can't make myself wake up at all times of the night.

Third symptom- break outs. I've have been having some horrible breaking out lately. Before I got pregnant my skin wasn't great but it was pretty under control. Once I was pregnant it became worse than high school acne. I've been working on it since the miscarriage and it's actually gotten a lot better again. Granted, I do break out a little before my period but not usually two weeks before and it's not usually this much. Forth symptom- increased appetite. This is one I worry that I could be making up entirely. I've noticed I've been hungrier lately and getting more cravings. I had been dieting/eating healthier up until a couple of weeks ago so that could be it too. I wouldn't bet anything on this symptom.

I think the number one symptom that made me know I was pregnant before was breast tenderness. I haven't experienced that yet, which I thought I would by now. I think they are more tender now, as of yesterday, but it's so hard to tell. I squeeze them just about every hour to check if they're sore yet so I may be the cause. I have noticed my nipples are quite a bit more sensitive than usual, even by period standards.

I wanted to get down what I'm going through as something to look back on. Either my period is coming back with a vengeance or I'm pregnant. If I am pregnant then I can look back and see that it's pretty neat I had that dream about being pregnant. I had all those symptoms and I wasn't just imagining them. Then again, maybe I'm crazy. TTC has a way of doing that to women. Oh wouldn't it be nice if this all meant something and that I will have good news soon?

In other news, I had a pretty great Valentine's weekend. On Friday I got a delivery of flowers to my work! What a sweet husband I have! Then on Saturday I got a delivery of a rose to the house with a message that said "Someone thinks you're special by sending this rose. Look for a Valentine message in the Coloradoan on February 14th." Then we went to see Valentine's Day. Overall, I enjoyed it. I definitely can agree with what some critics are saying, specifically my husband, but I liked it. It's no Love Actually, though. Then we went grocery shopping and bought ingredients for a spectacular Indian dinner. We made chicken curry, Indian style basmati rice, and naan. It only took us four hours! It was the naan's fault though. It had to rise for 2 hours altogether, I think. It was quite amazing if I do say so myself.

Those were our original V-day plans, but Andrew got tickets to an Eagle's hockey game and we weren't going to have time to make it after. On Sunday I read the special section of the paper where people wrote Valentine's to their loved ones. What a sweet message Andrew put in there to me. Aw. I'm one lucky woman to have such a romantic husband. Later we went to the hockey game which was a lot of fun! We ended up leaving about 5 minutes early when the game was tied because we bought steaks to cook for dinner and the game lasted another 30 minutes. We literally turned onto our street when the game ended. It would have been a great game to stay for but at the same time we missed the crowed and got home 40 minutes earlier than we probably would have otherwise. We made another amazing dinner of pan fried New York strip steak, garlic mashed potatoes, rolls, and veggies. It was so good!

I have to say it was the best Valentine's ever! I'm happy with life. I have the best husband in the world. There's only one more thing I could think to ask for...

Only time will tell

I started this blog after my miscarriage, and though I do mention it in every post, I realize I've been overly cautious and I'm unsure why. I think a lot of it has to do with trying again. I'm so terrified of people knowing because of the "what-if" factor. What if we do get pregnant? What if we don't? What if something goes wrong again? This defeats the purpose of starting a blog in the first place! I wanted a place where I could write down my feelings and figure out what's going on in my mind and heart instead of freaking out in silence. Then I thought no one probably reads this anyway. :)

First, I want to talk about updates in the part of my life that don't involve trying to conceive (TTC) because those are easier and more straight forward. As for the weight loss goal...I fail. After a week I got to 121lbs, which was 1lb short of my goal. I was so proud of myself! Then the next day I get on the scale and I'm back at 123lbs. Seriously?? It's been fluctuating daily but staying in the 122lbs range. I'm ok with that because I'm only 2lbs heavier than I was when I was pregnant before, which the doc said was totally healthy. It's my fault because I've stopped working out. Horrible, I know. I just haven't been motivated. I'm going to try and start doing light exercise again soon; it's just too much to deal with right now.

That leads me to the TTC portion of today's post. I have learned more about conception than I ever thought possible. I know about the changes in a woman's body, hormone surges, tests to predict ovulation, and so much more. It's pretty amazing the signs we are given that "it's time" and yet we may not even notice or be aware of. Right now I'm using ovulation predictor kits (OPK) to determine when I ovulate and the best time to baby dance (BD). I have anything except a normal cycle and here on CD18, still no ovulation. I'm really starting to understand why so many women find OPKs frustrating! Based on my cycles (30-35 days) I should ovulate by this weekend at the latest, otherwise I have faulty tests, I didn't ovulate, or I missed the LH surge that they detect. I hope I just haven't ovulated yet and it's coming soon!

I'm really starting to get discouraged. It was so easy to stay positive and optimistic at first. We decided to go with the sperm meets egg plan. I started doing the OPKs, negative at first, then a faint line...which pretty much hasn't gotten any darker in a week. I know every brand is different and even from woman to woman they can have dissimilarities, but I was hoping I would fit into the norm. When I got to CD15 and the line still wasn't any darker, that's when I started stressing. I don't want to stress. A big part of me was already setting myself up for a BFN (big fat negative). I figured if I didn't have any expectations or hopes then I couldn't be let down. That's not me though. I know once I'm in the 2WW (2 week wait) I will be obsessing over every symptom and taking pregnancy tests like it's nobody's business. Either way, I would have been able to stay calm until after ovulation, my first "obstacle," but since it hasn't come yet I'm already driving myself crazy! Those damn test stripes are tormenting me with their unchanging lines!!

I'm not overly stressed but if I continue to obsess about this I'm afraid that I will be under too much stress to conceive. TTC is supposed to be fun but sometimes it's hard to be spontaneous and passionate when you're on a schedule. And many people will tell me to just relax. Easier said than done. Those people don't know what goes on in the minds of woman who have lost their child. It makes you constantly afraid. It takes away your ignorance and naivety. I will never be one of those women who are just happy and excited in their pregnancy thinking that nothing can go wrong. I will always have this underlying worry that at any moment my child's life can be taken away from me for any known or unknown reason. That is what drives us. Our desire to have a family more than anything in the world and our fear that it could happen again. Every time is another set-back. Every time another piece of your heart is broken beyond repair.

Patience is not one of my strong suits. I'm a little depressed that this hasn't gone exactly the way I thought it would so far but I just have to be patient. I can't already be preparing for the worst! I just need to take it one day at a time. I want it to happen NOW but it doesn't work like that. I think that will be one of my goals over the next few weeks- trying to work on being more patient. After all, if we do get pregnant, that is going to be a necessity over the next 9 months so I better start working on it now!