May is a hard month

This has been a difficult month full of painful dates. First, we lost Parker at the end of April. That grief obviously carried over into May. Then, we get to May and the first date we approach is Mother's Day. I've always loved that day because I appreciate my mom so much for everything she has done in my life and I like to spoil her a little.

This year, it was a sad reminder of what I'd lost. I'm a mother with no children to hold. No matter how much I feel it in my heart and know it, society will never think of me as a mother. Andrew and I celebrated our mothers, but there was no celebration for me. No one told me "Happy Mother's Day." I had asked Andrew if he would tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and he forgot. It wasn't until he knew that I was upset at him that he remembered. This will always be how things are until the day I have living children. When I finally have a child, that will be my first baby to everyone else, probably even to those who know I've had miscarriages. I'll know that is not true and that I have two sons whom I love dearly. They may not have spent much time on this earth, but they have changed my life forever and will always be in my heart.

The following week, May 16th, was what would have been Holden's due date. This was actually a much harder date for me than Mother's Day. I really tried to distract myself and just enjoy the day with Andrew but I couldn't help but feel sadness. It was a beautiful day. It had been rainy and cold just the day before but that day it was hot and sunny. I should have been celebrating the birth of our first son, not mourning the death of two sons. It would have been a perfect day to welcome him into the world. I had looked up ideas of how to memorialize your angels and really liked the idea of memorial gardens or planting trees/plants. We rent, so it's not worth the work of doing something like that which we wouldn't be able to take with us.

We decided to get some nice plants, one for each baby, and plant them in nice pots. I also decided to repot a plant Andrew's mom gave us awhile ago, that was outgrowing it's pot. I decided that it could represent us since it had once been a single plant and had become two. I replanted it in the pot my Valentine's flowers came in. I realize they don't exactly match, but I thought the heart pot was a fitting representation of love. I probably won't always have them together like that anyway. When we move I'd like a special place for them. We got blue pots because they were boys. The one on the left is Holden's plant. As I've said before, we named him after the character in Catcher in the Rye. The character was a protector of children. This plant has vine-like growths that are like outstretching arms. The one on the right is Parker's. His name means protector of the park so the plant needed to be tall in order to keep a watchful eye over everything. It's nice to have something to look at and remember my babies. I couldn't give them life, nurture them, and watch them grow, but I can do that for these plants.

Unfortunately, the plants took a bit of a beating. See, we got a new dog last week. Andrew and I had been talking about it for awhile, only 2 years or so, but the timing never seemed right. Well, we figured why the heck not. Meet Milhouse, the newest beagle of the bunch (he's on the right) walking next to Cora. He also has horrible separation anxiety like Cora. We have worked with her over the last 3 years and she has become much mellower but still has her moments of whining when we leave. Well, we needed to go to the store yesterday and decided to put the baby gate up like we always do for Cora (to keep them confined to the bedroom). We found out he is a jumper. He jumped over the gate and ran to the window the plants are in. I had the curtains open like in the picture above and he was desperate to look out of the window apparently.

When we came home all the plants were on the floor. Soil was everywhere. I immediately burst into tears. I was so upset. These weren't just any regular plants. They were special. These were my babies' plants and he destroyed them. Holden's plant took the least damage, only losing a couple of leaves. Parker's plant lost the most leaves and several were broken in half. The middle plant is back to a single plant. When it fell, one of the stems broke off from its roots. I have it in water to see if it'll re-grow its roots, but I don't know if it'll work. Overall, they look fine and no one else would ever be able to tell they were damaged. I sure hated that dog for the rest of the day though.

Tomorrow is our appointment with the perinatologist in Denver. I'm not sure what to expect. It's just a consultation but I'm hoping that at least some chain of events is started. I don't know if they can do any blood work since it's only a month out from losing Parker, but it would be nice if they could. I want some answers. I've been doing a lot of research and recurring pregnancy loss could be a result of clotting disorders, structural abnormalities, or hormonal imbalances. There are other things but they don't apply to me. I'm really leaning towards clotting disorder at this point. I've had bleeding in both pregnancies and a clot in the last one. Well, that's the only clot they found, but who knows, I could have had one the first time too. That has to a sign of something. Even if they can't figure it out, hopefully they can be more proactive, get me on progesterone, which can't hurt, and have me take a daily baby aspirin. I'm willing to do anything! I really hope they find something that is fixable. I can't go through another loss with no answers. That is another heartache I can't deal with. I am my best advocate and need to make sure that I get the right tests done and the right treatments. I hope that tomorrow is very informative.

Employee Complaint

After talking with my husband and my mother about the inappropriate conversations my supervisor had with me, I decided to file a formal complaint. Normally, I would never be so bold, but I was pretty enraged in my emotional state. I sent an email and then the Director of Operations requested a phone call to talk more in detail about the situation.

Her name was Kim. She was really nice. She first got all the facts and then told me what was done wrong and her proposed actions. First, she told me I should have contacted them first before I returned to work. Since the contract company required a doctor's note for my leave, I wasn't cleared to return before the specified date. My supervisor was wrong in requiring me to return to work immediately after my miscarriage. Before, I didn't know what to do. I just assumed that the facility I worked at had the say-so. She agreed that it was totally inappropriate of Brandy to be discussing medical issues with me. I am an employee of the contract company, not of the facility I work at, and thus can't be required to disclose medical information with them. Also, she felt bad about Brandy getting on my case for not working enough the first week. She said that as a manager, as a person, she should show some compassion. It wasn't like I was sitting at my desk not doing anything for three days. It was nice to have someone actually ask how I'm doing. I didn't even get that courtesy from people I've worked with for the last two years.

She talked to the administrative staff at my facility and they decided to send out a general notification on contractor policy. Procedure for leave and what can and can't be discussed with contractors, such as medical information. It's nice that no one will get singled out so it won't be obvious that I complained, but at the same time I'm upset that Brandy will not be reprimanded for what she said. She'll never know that what she said was inappropriate or that it hurt me. At least something is getting done and maybe it will make some people aware of proper procedures.

Work is getting a little better. Brandy and I can communicate about work but that's it. I'm no longer going to be nice enough to ask her about her personal life. Which, she never was nice enough to ask me about. I still desperately want to find a new job though. I can't go through another pregnancy while I work there; not with a bunch of insensitive people. For now I'll just keep looking and feel lucky to at least have a job for the next 7 months.

Pointless follow-up

We had our 2 week follow-up on Monday with the doctor that did the cerclage. At least that's what we thought. Originally the appointment was meant to be my 16 week appointment but became my follow-up, only the Women's Clinic didn't get the memo. I feel I should point out that when we went in for a cerclage consult a month ago, for our second pregnancy, the computer system said that I was 36 weeks pregnant with Holden, our first child. I also received a call, just a week and a half ago, offering support and sending informational materials for the loss of our son, Parker. They're not exactly on top of their game.

Anyhow, when we went in for the appointment it was still scheduled for my 16 week follow-up and it was with some PA who I had never met before. When I scheduled the appointment I specifically asked for the doctor that did my cerclage and was told that he was who it was with. The nurse felt really bad about her mistake, carrying the doppler out of the room, and Andrew said she seemed extremely awkward after I said "this is our 2 week follow-up to my miscarriage." I didn't notice. She said she would notify the PA.

Well, once the PA came in and opened her mouth we realized the appointment was pretty much useless. The advice she had to offer was that it could have been a bacterial infection, which often happens when you have an incompetent cervix (even though everything I "passed" was free of bacterial infection and they found no infection in my urine?). She said the docs I had seen at the hospital during the m/c were in the building at the time and she had talked to them and they suggested I see a peri, which we already have an appointment with. Also, that there are other cerclages and options we have, like an abdominal cerclage and more bed rest.

I realize that she was seeing a patient she had never seen before and had to read my medical history out of computer files just 10 minutes before she met me, but I was still upset. First off, I wanted to see OUR doctor. Second, I wanted some more answers or ideas of what it could be. Even if it had been our doctor I thought that we would probably come out with no new information, but he seemed like a knowledgeable and proactive doctor so I thought maybe we could learn something! I really doubt that both losses have been on account of IC or bacterial infections due to IC. She said something along the lines of waiting until after we see the peri. My plan all along.

On the other hand, she did look in the system and confirm it was a boy. That's what the doctor's guess was and what I thought all along, though I was having some people tell me it was a girl, but it was still...profound. Prior to that, we had decided not to give our little one a name, me referring to him as pumpkin. In a way, this helped with my grief. Even though I saw and held my baby, I didn't necessarily identify it as anything but my child. Now he had more meaning. This was my second little boy. Now I had to mourn my two sons.

I cried on the way home. Now it wasn't "I lost my second child." It was, "I lost my second little boy." I decided that we must name him. I didn't feel right giving the baby a name when we weren't sure what it was. Even if we would never know for the rest of our lives, I didn't want to think fondly upon a little girl if it was a boy, and vice versa. Now that we knew, it seemed wrong to not give him a name. A lot of baby name sites have sibling names, so that's what I looked for. Andrew and I originally saw Holden in a baby name book. Andrew liked it right away because it's the main character in "Catcher in the Rye." I haven't read it, yet, but Andrew told me that character is essentially the protector of children. He catches children running through a field before they get to the edge and fall off of a cliff. It seemed so appropriate. It just seemed to fit. I later found out that the character's last name, Caulfield, potentially refers to "caul," the protective membrane around a child (amniotic sac). Even more fitting. Among Holden’s sibling names, I came across the name Parker. I have always liked that name. When I looked it up, it is literally the protector of the park. I felt like it had such connection with Holden. Protector of the park teamed with the protector of children in the field. Both protectors, both have connections with nature. The names seem well suited for each other. I miss my Holden and Parker. I hope they know I love them and miss them so very much. I miss you, my little boys.

Back to work again

In a word that couldn't possibly sufficiently expresses my feelings towards returning to work, being back has been awful. There it is. I have been back to work for all of 4 days and I have never wanted to quit more. The thing is, I don't especially like my job in the first place. It pays well, it will look good on a resume, and I gained quality experience the first year I worked here full time (I worked summer and winter breaks as a student hire a year prior). However, I am no longer gaining any more experience or responsibilities than I did the previous 2 years, I'm not at all passionate for the work I do, and the workplace is full of drama.

On the first day back, it took all my effort to attempt not to cry constantly. I succeeded in the not constantly part. The drive to work was difficult. It was so final. My baby is gone so I have to go back to work. This, of course, made me cry. I tried to only let myself cry a little though; I didn't want to set precedence for the rest of the day. Yeah, totally didn't work. I cried on the walk to my desk. Just being in the building, walking by people I hadn't seen in a month was enough to overwhelm me. I also cried at my desk. I came back on the first Wednesday of the month, which is when we have lab meetings. I skipped it. I decided there was no way I could be around everyone my first day back. Instead, I went down to my mom's office to talk. I told her how difficult it was being back and how I was afraid everyone would ignore me, which would make being back so much worse. She said she had told people and was sure they wouldn't ignore me. I was hopeful but knew, under certain situations, the same person will almost always act the same.

Everyone has been ignoring me. I can tell they're uncomfortable when they look at me. Jason and Roselyn are the only two people that actually said "I'm sorry" and talked to me about my loss. They're the only two people I'll really miss when I leave. Brandy asked a couple of times how I was doing but I could see how uncomfortable it made her feel when my eyes filled with held back tears, ready to burst, just to say "ok." I wish they could understand what I'm going through. At least then they would know that not talking about it, not acknowledging it, only makes it worse for me.

Tuesday seemed a little easier until I got a "I need to talk to you" email from Brandy. Actually listening to her was extremely difficult because I was trying so hard not to cry the entire time. She wanted to make me aware of how difficult it was to approve my working from home while I was on bed rest. It was just so difficult and even after I was on bed rest, so many people got involved and it was just a big mess. Just to let me know, for future reference, if/when I get pregnant again, working from home will not be approved. Also, when I get pregnant again, and of course she understands my reasons for wanting to wait to tell but, I have to find a way to let her know I am. That way, in case there are BSL-3 viruses (the kind you don't work with when you're pregnant) that need to be screened, she can do them so we don't get behind, especially when they're for shipments. Not that it's happened before, mind you, but for future reference.

WTF?! First off, totally inappropriate and unnecessary conversation. The last thing I'm thinking about 10 days after I lost my baby, and my second day back at work, is getting pregnant again. I don't care if I get approved for working at home; if my doctor says bed rest then I'm doing it. I don't really care how hard it was to get me approved to work from home because it wasn't my idea in the first place. I told you I was looking into short-term disability, which my contractor totally would have approved, but it was your idea to have me work at home so I could get work done and still get paid at my hourly wage (short-term disability is 60%). Also, I'm not telling you when I'm pregnant. That is my business. OMG, I was so pissed and upset. I don't care what situation it is, it is not cool to talk about future pregnancies to a woman who just lost her baby. It's not like pregnancies are expendable and a miscarriage is nothing. I lost one of the loves of my life.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a workplace to request you notify them when you're pregnant. I'm still deciding whether or not I should consult my HR rep about it, thus reporting her. Whatever. I decided that her insensitivity towards my miscarriage was one of ignorance and a one time thing. I went about the next day and a half as "normal" as I could, though most of my time was spent on BBC. As sad as it is, it really does help to read other women’s stories and know that I'm not the only one. I wish no one ever had to experience loss but it's nice having other women I can relate to and who know what I'm going through. I left that Friday feeling relieved, thinking I had left the worst behind me and I could get back to work as usual.

Then today (Monday) happened. I currently feel like Brandy is a bitch. Also a part of her Tuesday talk was that she wanted weekly updates about what I accomplished for the week and what I planned to do for the following week. I don't think this is unreasonable in itself, but the fact that she's all the sudden implementing it right after I come back from working at home, after I've been working for her for 2 and a half years, is suspicious and upsetting. Well, today she reminded me about sending it to her, which I did. She responded by saying I didn't do much work for the first 3 days I was back and to please do more work in the future. There is a lot of work to be done, etc. I told her that I was sorry and realized I didn't do that much work but to please understand I'm grieving, that was my first 3 days back, and my work is picking up this week. She then responded by saying that she understands I'm grieving (though she clearly has no idea what grief is) and it's not a big deal since my work is picking up, but if I'm coming to work and getting paid then I need to be working and if I'm not, that's a problem. Now things are completely awkward between us.

Here comes another WTF?! I knew I didn't do that much work. It's been so hard to focus on work when my mind is elsewhere. I have no motivation right now. I came back to work before I was ready because we couldn't afford for me to take unpaid time off. However, I admitted it and apologized for it. It was also my first fucking 3 days back. Seriously, how about you let me settle in before you start scolding me? Once I admit it and tell you my reason why, is it really necessary to continue to tell me why you don't care and that I need to get more work done since I'm getting paid? The thing is, she made it sound like I wasn't doing any work, though I was. I just wasn't doing as much work as she thought I was should be. Any person with a heart would give me time to settle in, but no, I have to be at 100% productivity from day 1. I think it's worth mentioning to me if it becomes an ongoing problem but was it really necessary to mention it to me after my first 3 days back after I had a miscarriage? I feel it's important to point out that she is super workaholic chick. She's the person that only takes her lunch at work and is on the computer working while eating. She also comes in on weekends. I feel like she expects much more from me than my position requires. She expects me to do the amount of work she does when I'm 4 years younger in a temporary positions vs. her permanent full time employee position. I'm all for doing the work I'm getting paid for but I'm not about to use my lunch breaks to get more work done than necessary when I’m in a non-career position.

That has been my life at work so far. I hate my job more than ever. I don't think I have ever gone from being completely indifferent about someone to extreme dislike so quickly. I'm desperately trying to find a new job. I thought about school, though I don't want to get a masters in my field, and I'm kind of liking the idea. I would really like to get a certificate/degree as a medical laboratory technician. It's something I thought about doing even as I entered college and it really appeals to me. Unfortunately, I can't find any local schools with that program, the closest being Colorado Springs or Denver (1+ hours away). There might be a school in Greeley (30 min away) with that program but I will have to look more thoroughly. I would really like to do online for at least a portion of the course if I can. It's a position with a lot of potential and I would start out making at least what I'm making now. I could take out more student loans (not ideal but necessary) and defer current student loans in repayment which would be helpful right now. I've set a deadline that I must find some jobs to at least apply to by the end of this weekend and/or have a list of schools that I want to apply to. I'm determined to get out of this job by the end of next month. It's not healthy for my currently emotionally unstable self to come home crying every day because of work. Ugh. Why can't life be easier?

10 days

Well, it's been ten days since I lost my second little one. It seems like so much time has passed and like it could have just happened yesterday. Time changes in grief. Hours and seconds tick by in a completely different way than for everyone else. I feel lost in time and the days are meaningless. I think that's because I've been pretty worthless lately. Andrew and I have been off work, taking time for ourselves, and I don't think I have ever watched so much tv; not even last time. I'm sure time will start making more since when I go back to work tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say about how I've been doing. The day after, when I woke up at home, no longer pregnant, I felt like I had been hit by a car. My entire body was sore and my muscles ached with every movement. During this time I found out that Vicodin does nothing for me. Great. I had to take Ibuprofen instead. My throat didn't hurt so much anymore but it was like I had lost my voice. I could barely talk. I was in shock that day. Everything felt like a dream; any minute I was going to wake up and I'd still be a perfectly happy pregnant woman.

My soreness went away after a week but I had new added pain during that time. My milk came in yet again. This time I had been more prepared, putting on two sports bras the minute we got home from the hospital. I didn't want it to happen again. I didn't get so engorged this time so it wasn't as painful. They've gone down quite a bit already but they're still sore. I hate so much that my body does this. There is no reason for it. Damn hormones.

I had my follow-up with my usual OB/GYN last Wednesday. Have I stated how much I like her? I've been seeing her for about 4 years and she seems to care so much. She genuinely wants to know how you're doing and is so good at listening and answering any questions we have. Andrew likes that she acknowledges and speaks to him too, unlike other doctors and nurses that seem to focus solely on me, the patient. Anyway, she referred us to a perinatologist. She is on the same page as us thinking that this is not related to cervical incompetence. We have an appointment May 25th in Denver to meet with the peri and hopefully get some answers about what is happening, why, and how to fix it (hopefully).

I'm happy to have that appointment scheduled. I want some answers. I think one of the hardest parts of loss is the not knowing why. It always hurts, but when you don't know why it sticks in the back of your mind, tormenting you. This loss was so identical to before but my cervix was fine this time. Andrew and I have talked and think that something is triggering me to go into preterm labor. The cramping and pain I felt was probably contractions. When they found my cervix effacing the first time, I think it was because I was already in labor, not that my cervix effacing caused my water to break. This time the cerclage was doing its job and holding the cervix shut. I think maybe that is why the cramps were more intense this time; my cervix was trying to open and shorten but it had to go against the stitches, which weren't budging. Still, what is causing this to happen? I wonder if the bleeding has anything to do with it. I've read that blood weakens the membranes and irritates the uterus, which can cause contractions. Everyone who I talked to or told about how much bleeding I had says that doesn't seem right. Even when I went to my doctors they never really had a definitive answer for me. Could I have a clotting disorder? A gene mutation? Is something wrong with my uterus? I hope these are questions the peri can answer. I want to be tested for anything that could cause this and figure out what to do so I never have to lose another baby.

In some ways, this loss has been much harder, especially for Andrew. We thought we knew what the problem was and we fixed it. I was on bed rest. We had so much hope that this was going to be our rainbow baby. We were doing everything right! I knew in my heart that we did everything we could and was so positive until I started bleeding. That's when I started having doubts about whether everything was fine. I was worried about every little thing. Andrew just thought I was being paranoid and stressing too much but I know my body. He was so convinced that everything was fine and didn't lose hope until the end. I think that's why it hit him so hard this time. It wasn't as much of a shock for me this time, though. Even though we were doing everything right, this happened before and we knew there was a possibility it could happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again and we had a much more horrible hospital experience this time, to boot. If I never have to see another hospital in my life, it will be too soon. I hope that a positive hospital experience is part of my future.

It is so hard to get to the second trimester and then have a loss. That is supposed to be the safe point. It's hard to even think about trying again. I know we will, but not until we have some answers. This has hit us hard and we may need more time to heal this time. It was still difficult trying again this last time, after a loss, but the second pregnancy was supposed to be fine since we knew the answer. We're back at square one again and don't know how the next pregnancy will turn out. Sigh.

That is too much to worry about right now. I have more imminent obstacles to overcome. For one, Mother's Day is this weekend. I thought I was starting to heal a little but with every commercial on tv or picture I see in a magazine, my heart breaks a little bit. I'm the mom of two angels. It's not fair. I know a lot of people don't think of me as a mom but in my heart I am and its only desire is to hold my babies. Also, the 16th of this month was supposed to be Holden's due date. I should be celebrating the birth of my child this month but instead I'm grieving his death and the loss of his little sibling. On top of all these intense emotions I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm terrified of it. I don't know how I can face those people again. I don’t want to see their sad looks, knowing that they feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity, I just want comfort and understanding. I really hope they don't ignore me again this time. That was so difficult and made me feel so isolated and alone. I want my baby to be acknowledged. He or she may not be alive but they existed and I loved them more than anything. I need people to know that my babies were real even if they aren't here with us. I miss and love them so much.

Another nightmare

I couldn't believe my water had broken. We were on our way to the hospital and I reclined my seat hoping it would somehow help. If there was a tear in the amniotic sac, I wanted to do everything I could to keep it from rupturing. It seemed to be somewhat working though I could still feel little gushes coming out. When I got out of the car at the ER I felt a pretty big gush. It kept gushing as we were walking to the door. Fuck.

We got to the desk and I told them I'm 13 weeks pregnant and I think my water is breaking. I could still feel the gushes. My pad was soaked. I broke down then. Sobbing. Andrew holding me. Giving them my information when I felt like everything was going wrong...again. They got us back right away.

I hate the ER so much. I never wanted to be in there again. Everything takes forever. As if it doesn't already seem like every minute is the longest minute of your life when something like this is happening to you. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown. It was weird; the pad filled with fluid had a yellow tinge to it. I know it's supposed to be clear. I knew it wasn't urine but I tried to think that maybe there was hope. They came in and put an IV in; in the crease of my arm. Why the heck do they put it there?! Everywhere else they seem to frown upon that as a location for an IV so why do it? You have much less mobility when it's there. Anyway, she couldn't get it in the first vein so she moved elsewhere to dig around and got it in. Ouch.

When the doctor finally came in they decided to do a fern test to determine if the fluid was amniotic fluid or not. I will always hate that doctor. I then knew why my doctor had said the stitches were too high to examine with a speculum without anesthesia. That is certainly in my top 3 most painful experiences of all time. Apparently my crying out in pain didn't mean anything to him because he kept pushing and prodding and moving it around. That fuck head made me cry. In the end, the test was inconclusive. We were sent down to have an u/s.

Guess what, it was the same tech that did the u/s when we lost Holden. Déjà vu. At least he was in a better mood this time. After my already painful speculum experience, this was only about half as bad, but it still hurt. I just felt like I couldn't take any more. The u/s lasted about 20 minutes and we got to go back up to the ER to await the results. About 45-60 minutes later the doctor came in with the results. It looked like it was amniotic fluid that leaked but there was still fluid around the baby. The tech put it at normal but he would say that it looks low normal, at best.

This guy is not the kind of guy that looks on the bright side. More like the brutally honest kind. Here's a little hope but it's probably not going to turn out that way for you. Still, in the end, he decided that since there was still fluid around the baby, an inconclusive test about what the fluid really was, though he was pretty sure it was amniotic fluid, the baby still being alive and my cervix closed, that we should keep me overnight for observation and then do another u/s in the morning. There still was the possibility that it could be some discharge or fluid from an infection trying to clear itself out. Maybe it wasn't called for, but I had some hope. My baby was still alive and even if I was leaking fluid, there was still fluid around the baby. That's good, right?

We went to Pediatrics Plus to spend the night. Andrew decided to take Cora to his mom's to stay over since we didn't know how long our hospital stay would be. While he was gone they decided to get a clean urine sample by cathing me, since my original urine sample and showed increased white blood cells. They thought it could have been contaminated by whatever the fluid leaking out of me was. I thought it would be no big deal, I've had this done before. I thought it might hurt a little more since I had no spinal to numb the pain. Ok, it was a new kind of extreme pain. The nurse was super nice and had done them before but she slipped when she did mine, if she was even putting it in the right spot. She got another nurse to come in and do it. If she had done it the first time, it probably wouldn't have been so bad, but I was hurting from the first time so this stung too. Of course it accidentally slipped out after a while, so painful, so I had to finish on the toilet. I have never almost doubled over from peeing before.

Finally I got to get in bed for some sleep. Andrew got back around 3:00am, I think. They were going to wake us up at 6:00am to check vitals. I didn't get much sleep, maybe a couple of hours. I kept having to get up and go to the bathroom, which of course caused me to cry out in pain a few times, scaring Andrew once. They came and took my blood at 6:00am. We got in for an u/s an hour or so later. It was just a quick abdominal scan to compare the results from last night. She was very quiet. I was looking at the screen and getting scared. Why wasn't the baby moving? Where was the flickering heartbeat?

When the doctor came back up to the room to tell us the results, they weren't good. There was no heartbeat. He wanted to transfer us to labor and delivery to get the cerclage out and to induce labor, since I wanted to pass everything naturally instead of a D&C. I wanted a baby to hold after it was all done. I broke down. Even though I knew chances were slim, I was really hoping for good news. I told them to contact my regular OB since they didn't last time. I thought it would be nice to have a familiar face in there. She came up only 15 min later I think. She happened to be in the hospital that day. It was really comforting to have her there. She told me to make an appointment to see her for middle of next week.

Then we had to wait. They first said we would be getting into labor and delivery around 9:00am, then 10:00, then it was looking like another hour. It was finally past noon when we got in. In the meantime, we decided to call our parents. Not a call you want to make. They had been waiting for updates since we told them we were in the hospital. It was difficult news to give, to say the least.

Finally, we get moved and things went a little quicker then. They gave me some pain meds and we got ready to roll. They say taking the cerclage out isn't too bad, it's pretty quick and not too difficult. I don't know what they use to take out the cerclage normally, but even with Fentanyl, it was painful. Luckily, I had a really nice nurse who held my hand the whole time. When it was done he said I was almost a cm dilated and the umbilical cord had been pulled into my cervix when the water broke, even with the cerclage in, which is what caused the baby to die. That was some hard news to hear. Then they gave me some Cytotec to induce labor.

It really didn't take that long. I was bleeding, but nothing too intense. At one point I had some gushing fluid, so I called for a nurse to come in, but they never sent anyone. Apparently they never told her I called because when she came in to check on me she had no idea that I had called. I needed to go to the bathroom and I didn't feel anything coming out of me, like last time, plus, it was still only a couple of hours since the Cytotec. The nurse seemed fine with it. So, I squatted to go pee when I felt something coming out and I couldn't stop it. Luckily they had a hat (or whatever they call it) in the toilet, which measures urine, or the baby would have fallen into the toilet. Still, it was pretty mortifying that I just delivered the baby in the bathroom. That and there was no umbilical cord attached which meant the placenta was still inside of me.

The nurse felt so bad and got me back to bed right away. She called for the doctor, who decided to wait to see if I passed the placenta, if not, he would give me more cytotec, and if I didn't pass it within a few hours of that, I would have to go in for a D&C. While we waited for that to happen, we got to hold the baby. It looked almost just like Holden. A little bit smaller though. What a difference a week makes. We couldn’t tell clearly what sex the baby was, but the doctor's best guess was boy. Unless they ever tell us for sure, which I don't think they'll test for, we've decided not to say it's a boy or girl either way. It was just our baby. Another beautiful little baby. All fingers and toes intact with their little nails. My poor, helpless, lifeless baby laying there in my arms. Another perfect angel that will never experience the joy of life. Another difficult moment. A nightmare that I had to live over again.

Long story short, even with the cytotec, I was never able to pass the placenta. It wouldn't detach. We had to go in for them to suction it out. I was put under for the procedure. When I woke up my throat hurt like it's never hurt before. It was from the tube they stuck in my throat. Andrew was there and had a cup full of ice chips to feed me. They minimally helped with the pain and only while they were in my mouth. It took at least a good hour before it didn't constantly hurt. After that it just felt like I had an extremely sore throat.

The procedure went well. We went back to L&D soon after. They decided to let me have some crackers and something to drink to see how I did and if I could keep it down then they would discharge us. I was able to keep it down though every time I took a bite of cracker I would fall asleep. I hadn't slept more than a couple hours in 48 hours. I was so ready to go home. We were discharged around 10:00pm and finally drove away from the hospital 30 minutes later. We went to Walgreens to pick up my perscriptions, which was going to take 30 minutes, so Andrew dropped me off at home and went back later. I just laid in bed and as soon as Andrew got back, we crashed. It had been the longest day of my life. Another day filled with heartbreak and destroyed dreams. I had horrible dreams that night about needles being stuck in me and blood flowing like a river out of me. Unfortunately, waking up wasn't much better. I still felt like I was in a nightmare but I can't wake up from this one. It is my life.

Not again

I went home from Thursday's appointment feeling very releived. I was still having bleeding and some cramping, which I knew would probably get a little worse because of the u/s. It was a transvaginal which I'd been told before can aggravate bleeding. However, I felt reassured that the cerclage was doing it's job. I had upper-moderate cramps the night before (which is also what led me to get in to see a doctor) but they seemed to have subsided. They got a little worse again that night but I was able to get to sleep.

I can't remember when I woke up for a bathroom break, the middle of the night some time, but when I wiped it was bright red blood filled with clots. Small clots, but still, clots are not good. I was too tired and it was too late to really do anything about it. I couldn't really get to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it but I decided to see how the day went and then decide if I should call the doctor or not. I didn't want to seem crazy since I had just seen the doctor the day before.

The day went by and no signs of bright red blood or clots. Just the "normal" pink spotting. I decided I was probably fine, though I still thought I might be leaking amniotic fluid. Andrew doubted me, but it just seemed like my discharge was getting more fluid. However, it didn't feel like last time, where it was very watery so I tried to ignore it. That night, the cramps got much worse. I tried to ignore them. Andrew got a heat pack and was rubbing my back. The were just so uncomfortable though. I thought that since there was no blood and no leaking it might just be cramping due to how sensitive everything was down there was.

I went to sit on the couch with Andrew because I just couldn't lay in bed any more. It was just way to uncomfortable. That's when I felt something more liquid like come out. Still not a gush and not water like, but it didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom and didn't see anything but discharge. I emptied my bladder, changed my pad, and when I stood up, something just leaked out. I knew it wasn't urine. "We have to go to the hospital now." That was around 8:30pm.

I had a scare

The day of the follow-up, I had a bit of light cramping. I figured it was just my sensitive cervix acting up after some more aggravation. I think it's tired of being messed with! Well, I woke up the following morning, 3:00am to be exact, to use the restroom and wiped what appeared to be some purple-red blood. I tried not to worry because I knew I had just had surgery the previous week and my cervix was agitated and that pesky hematoma was probably still in there causing issues.

Well, the bleeding continued all day. It was pink and mucus-like, which made me feel better because it wasn't bright red and it wasn't just blood. I basically had a light period all day with occasional light cramping. I decided that if it continued the next day I would call the doctor because this really was just like what happened the last time when they found my cervix was effacing. I was also afraid that maybe I was leaking amniotic fluid, even though it wasn't really watery, because it was just so mucus-like and thin.

We decided to just go to urgent care when they opened since they are literally a minute from our house. We thought we could get some answers there quicker than trying to get in to see the doctor who did my cerclage and have to drive to Loveland. Well, after 30 minutes in the urgent care, 10 of those in the exam room, they came in and said they didn't do any gynecological work there. What? I was not aware of that. So, they called the Women's Clinic and I got an appointment in to see the doctor an hour later, just two days after the follow-up. He didn't want to do a pelvic exam because that wouldn't tell him much, so we got in for an ultrasound. Healthy heartbeat and measurements. They measured my cervix and we got to see the little one on screen again and got some great pictures to take home.

We were told my cervix was now measuring 5.4, which is up from 4.5. Great news. He said the UA didn't show any infection, which I made a point to ask because I had been needing to go to the bathroom quite a bit lately and thought that might be the cause of my bleeding. He said even if there was to not worry about that because he didn't want me to use anything that I would need to administer near my cervix. He said the u/s looked great and unless the bleeding or cramping got worse, to just see him again in a couple weeks. I kind of got the feeling he thought I was the overly worrisome patient, but I don't care. It eased my fears for the time being and I was very relieved.

Cerclage and Follow-up

I had my cerclage placed on 4/14/2010. I was so nervous for it. We got to the hospital at 2:00pm and got checked in pretty quickly. Went back to the pre-op area and hung out there until surgery, which was supposed to be at 4:00pm. The nurses had the hardest time finding the baby's heart tones with a doppler. They didn't have any good dopplers, probably because there aren't many pregnant women that come in for surgeries. Anyhow, after a couple of tries and a few dopplers, I took a hold of it and finally found the heart. Beautiful.

The doctor was running late and surgery didn't get started until 5:30pm. I got the spinal right before. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The numbing shot stung a bit and the pressure of the spinal needle going in felt very weird. Then my legs started going numb and I couldn't feel my butt. I don't think I ever lost complete feeling in my feet and legs, I could wiggle my toes before and after the procedure, which took all of 15-20 minutes to complete. I talked to the anesthesiologist the whole time which was fun. She put something in my IV to help me relax and to help not feel the pain. It had the same sensation a few beers give me. I was very talkative!

We went to the post-op area where they decided to send me straight up to labor and delivery for an u/s instead of trying to find the heart tones on a doppler again. We got to see the little one wiggling around and there was a very healthy heartbeat. They wanted to keep me in for observation for 4 hours for the spinal to wear off. It actually was wearing off quite a bit by 2-3 hours later, but when I wasn't able to go the bathroom (I really had to go but I couldn't get my muscles to work right or something) they had to cath me to empty my bladder. I guess that happens sometimes after a spinal. They said they would let me go when I could pee on my own. I think I did about an hour or so later.

All in all the surgery was a success. The doctor told Andrew my cervix had already started shortening and opening a little but there was still plenty of cervix to work with and he got a couple of good stitches in. We got to go home and sleep. I was put on bed rest for 4 weeks, the doctor wanted me to follow-up with him the following Monday, and then make an appointment for 16 weeks.


I didn't have any problems with the cerclage following the surgery and the few days until the follow-up. No bleeding and discharge, no real pain. I did occasionally get the sensation that something was "up there." We saw the doctor again the following Tuesday and he did a quick pelvic exam. He tried to view the stitches with a speculum but that hurt tremendously so he had to feel for them. He said the stitches were too high to examine with a speculum without anesthesia. All looked well and he would see us again in 3 weeks. He said I could start increasing my activity if I wanted but to still keep working from home, but if I stayed looking good I would be able to go off bed rest at 16 weeks. That was an exciting feeling. It felt like success.

Plans are good

I am so glad I waited to write this until this afternoon. Earlier, I was a complete mess. After the meeting with the OB yesterday, we made a plan, which was good, but then that raised all these other issues that had me freaked out.

At the appointment we talked about when to do the cerclage. He told me he wanted to do it around 12 weeks, which is next week. The surgery date was set that day! I had my pre-op appointment today and they put the cerclage in next Wednesday the 14th. The nurse made a mistake and told us it was Tuesday initially. Even though I was expecting it, I was a little scared because it seemed so soon! Wednesday makes me feel a little better because it seems less urgent. I don't know if that makes much sense. Still, it's exciting, right? We have a plan that will hopefully result in a healthy and happy pregnancy. He did say he wasn't concerned about the SCH but I don't know if I should tell him to monitor it or not. The bleeding comes and goes and it's not too much but I'm afraid if the clot were to get any bigger that it could cause problems, like partial to full placental abruption. Scary.

The not so pleasant part of the conversation was when he told me he wanted me on modified bed rest after the procedure until my 16 week check-up. What? 4 weeks of bed rest? Wow. I was a stressing myself out earlier because I wasn't sure how we were going to survive on one income and if I would qualify for short-term disability. Andrew and I took some perks off our phone plan, reduced Netflix (I didn't want to cancel because I'll need some movies to watch on bed rest!), reduced some other extra services that we don't need to spend money on, and I submitted an application to consolidate my student loans which will reduce monthly payments by $150 (almost 50%).

Well, turns out I would have qualified for short-term, at 60% pay, but luckily I worked it out with my supervisors that I can work from home. It will be a bunch of boring data entry stuff, but at least I will still be getting paid and have something to occupy my time all day. Plus, it will be good that we have the same income but are saving money after all the other expenses we cut out. Especially after the ~$2100 out of pocket the cerclage procedure is going to cost. Yikes! Well, by the time the baby comes we will have paid the deductible and reached the out of pocket maximum, so baby will be paid for. Gotta look at the positive!

I am so relieved and glad we have plans in place. We're going to get the cerclage in place so we have a healthy baby in October and I can work from home, at least for 4 weeks, so we can still have 2 incomes. After that I can go on short-term disability if I have to and I'll have earned vacation and sick leave to take by then if need be. The future is looking bright!