What's wrong with me?

Something is wrong with me. I'm stuck. I find it harder to be happy these days. I still feel sad a lot. I could probably cry several times a week, but I don't let myself. I hate feeling this way. It's hard to even fake being interested in things. I'll listen to other people talk about stuff and realize I can't pretend to care what they're talking about. It takes too much effort to pay attention and perform all the appropriate facial and vocal responses. It's been 9 weeks, which really isn't that long, but I wish I would feel better by now. It is so draining to feel this sad.

The only person I can truly be myself around, is my loving husband, Andrew. Those are the only times I'm happy. He's the only person that I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions with. Even if he does get sick of talking about everything that's happened, and if I'm upset and angry, he still listens. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad or negative around other people. It's not an "appropriate" way to act. It's not "appropriate" to make other people depressed because of my sadness. It's to the point where I don't care if I offend you. I'm not going to put on my cheery face when I don't feel cheery. If I want to be alone and closed off, well that's just how I want to be. I'm sick of having expectations for how I should be doing. I've lost two of my children, what do you want from me?

Why is it like this? I didn't feel like this so much after Holden. I felt like I went through normal stages of grief and then I was ready to try again. We "knew" the problem and were positive that it would not happen again. I could be happy because I thought it was a onetime thing. Now, we have fewer answers than we did before. Now, I know that it can happen again. Now, I'm terrified. It's not so much that I lost Parker, which hurts tremendously, but that my body failed again. I failed in my responsibility to protect and give life to my boys and I know that it may happen again. It hurts more because I don't know if I ever will be able to have a living child.

Bills are a big contributor to my unhappiness. It's not fair that a miscarriage should cost as much as a full term pregnancy. From the first pregnancy test I took at the doctor's office in February, to the appointment we had with the perinatologist at the end of May, we have owed $3,700. Seriously, that is what it costs for my nearly 14 weeks of pregnancy??? Of course, every bill is due within a month of it being sent and we've gotten them all at once. We're paying as many at a time as we can and the rest may have to be put on credit cards. This has led Andrew and I to argue about the best time to have a baby because all our money is going to pay medical bills. At the same time, we've met our deductible and out-of-pocket max, so other than co-pays, a lot of our visits will be free or 80% covered for the remainder of the year. I'm trying to look at that as a positive.

My self-esteem has also taken a nosedive. I've put on about 8 pounds with both of the pregnancies. It's not just the weight itself that bothers me, it's the way it's distributed. A large majority of it is in my stomach. I still have a baby bump. That, combined with all my comfort eating, has given me an embarrassing constantly bloated/pregnant look. I've tried working out a little but it is not going away. Then I get depressed and less motivated to work out. Even though I feel like I'm eating healthier than I had been and I've started walking and working out some, I see no progress. I'm embarrassed to wear my tighter fitting shirts and I even feel like I have to suck in when I'm wearing loose shirts too. I don't like my body. If I had a baby to show for it, I wouldn't care, but I don't.

Pregnancy has also left its devastating effects on my face. I have so many acne scars, it's ridiculous. They're so hard to cover up and, for me, they take forever to fade. I also keep breaking out and my skin has become even oilier than it was before. I'm trying natural remedies that I would be able to continue once I'm pregnant, but I'm not having much luck. Baking soda seems to help with active pimples and I'm trying vitamin E for scars, but I've read it's slow to act. Found out that tea tree oil breaks me out though it is good for reducing oil production. I've tried lemon juice before which worked, but it stings like a mother! Why won't my face just cooperate and look nice. I hate that I'll be 25 in 6 months and I still breakout like a teenager.

Really, it's just a bad day. I think AF is due to arrive in less than a week so I'm getting moody. Andrew and I decided we would try again after this AF. I've started charting, which I had tried previously but never got the hang of it. Taking OPKs and temping makes it so much easier. I also verified that I'm a late ovulator. I knew that when we were trying for Parker because that was the first time I used OPKs and didn't ovulate until CD20. This time I ovulated on CD21. I've always had longer cycles though they aren't regular. They can vary between 30-35 days in general. That makes TTC that much more annoying. I have to wait sooooo long. I’m also a bit terrified that AF is coming soon because that will signify getting ready to try again. I don’t even know if I’m ready yet. I hate that no matter what I feel, my desire to have a child is too strong to wait. I don’t know how much time I left or how many more miscarriages I might have, so I feel the need to continue on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the things I have in life. I just need to vent now and again. I do have more good/normal days than bad, but that doesn't diminish the significance of the bad days. I'm still so incredibly affected by my losses. I just wish this wasn't my life. I wish right now Andrew and I had a beautiful baby in our arms instead of two that will never walk on this earth. Sometimes I feel like this isn't real.