Parker's Due Date

Sunday, October 24th, was Parker's due date. I had a little anxiety before it, as I did with Holden's, but it wasn't nearly as bad. A lot of that had to do with losing Parker 3 weeks before Holden's due date so the grief was still fresh. I also think having been through it once before helped. Luckily, it was as good a day as it could have been considering everything it represented. The anticipation was worse than anything. Due dates are a significant milestone in our lives and for the lives of our gone-too-soon babies.

I woke up that morning and I was in a pretty good mood. Andrew and I had plans to just spend the day together. We added a bunch of scary movies on Netflix and put them on as we carved pumpkins. This year, Halloween is a little more difficult since it is so close to my due date. The holidays in general are hard, but how could they not be? Andrew and I are dressing up and going to a couple of friends parties this weekend, which we are excited about, but otherwise I am pretty much ignoring Halloween. Not really on purpose, I just don't feel like celebrating it as much this year. I didn't dig out our box of Halloween stuff from the storage closet and decorate the house. I have one decoration hanging up outside, next to the front door, of a wooden scarecrow that says "Fall Harvest" that Andrew's mom gave us and the two withered pumpkins sitting outside our door. I don't mind joining in others celebration of Halloween but I'm not in the Halloween spirit myself.

I did have a moment of slipping into alternate realities while carving pumpkins. I have two alternate realities; the one where Holden exists and the one where Parker exists. In Holden's reality, he would be almost 5 and a half months old. We would totally have been carving a pumpkin for him. Andrew carved the Sesame Street Count (he thought it was funny) but that is totally the kind of pumpkin I would have wanted to carve for our baby boy! Something childlike and cute. We probably would have gone to the pumpkin patch and taken the obligatory pumpkin-baby photos. Maybe where he was dressed up in his first Halloween costume. In Parker's reality we may not have been carving pumpkins at all that weekend because I'd be ready to pop! Or maybe I would have already brought him home. Maybe we would have carved pumpkins earlier in preparation for him or waited until he was born to carve. Either way, I would have been so happy to bring him home. So happy that it wouldn't have mattered if we had pumpkins at all.

I was a little sad but my new live in the moment attitude kept me from dwelling too long in those wonderful day dream worlds. Instead, it was just us two, a couple of in-love married people carving some pumpkins and baking some pumpkin seeds. We did do something special to honor the memory of Parker on what should have been his birthday. We baked a cake. It was a white confetti cake with confetti frosting. Delicious! I ate it and thought "I wish you were here." I so wish that I could have been celebrating bringing home my living baby, but at least I could was able to remember his short life and how much I love him.

I really hope that once Halloween is here that I don't have a meltdown. I feel like I'm doing so well but there is no way to know when my "up" will go "down." We are going to hand out candy early on, which will of course be the youngest children, and then plan to turn off the porch light when it gets dark so we don't have to give out candy all night. I don't think I could handle doing that all night, seeing all the adorable kids in their costumes reminding me of what I don't have. It just might be a little too much. I need to preserve some sanity (of what little is left)!