I fail as a blogger. I don't post as much as I should. I know this is my place to put down my feelings and thoughts, but sometimes I depress myself with how depressing I am. I feel like I never have anything significant to write about. My babies are dead. I'm sad. The end. That's the truth of it though, I AM sad. I feel like I'm getting more depressed as time goes on. I'll start to get better and then relapse. I keep thinking if I was pregnant now, I wouldn't feel this way. I know that I wouldn't.
Last Friday Andrew and I had dinner with a few people at a friend's house. I can't remember when, I think after our first loss, I found out that our friend Nicole had a 6 week loss. On either side of that loss, she has two beautiful girls, ages 6 and 1 and a half. Other than that loss, Nicole has lost a lot of people in her life. It's probably hard for people to understand the immensity of her losses when most people have only lost a couple people in their lives by their mid-20's. I don't mean to diminish anyone’s loss, losing even one person in your life is difficult, but I think that when several people in your life die, it definitely takes its toll on you. It's also different when it's your grandparents, who lived long and fulfilling lives, compared to your sister, who left behind her two kids. I don't think she gets to really talk about it. Well, once in awhile you just need a pity party and isn't alcohol always the best catalyst for it?
She started talking about all the people who she lost in her life with tears streaming down her face. Somehow it became this comparison on how many people have died in each of our lives. Everyone was listing off the few people in their lives while Nicole listed off at least 5 people, including her sister who died about 8 years ago, then I said something like "if we're going to make this a competition then I win because my babies died." There was that second of silence where everyone gets a little uncomfortable and I was really afraid that I had ruined the evening with my inappropriate joke, but then Nicole started talking about her loss too.
It was kind of nice to be able to make a little joke about feeling cursed because the people in our lives keep dying. Talking about how sad you are that your babies died. I think it was nice for her to be able to call her 6 week loss, her baby, which I haven't heard her say before. Morbid? Probably. Freeing? Definitely.
Then her sister-in-law started talking about how it's not the same, but she has a tumor in her breast and her doctor basically said if you want to have kids, you need to have them now. She's engaged and they're not ready but she wants kids so she has a very serious decision to make. Then I was able to relate that I have precancerous cervical cells and there is only so much time I have to have kids too. I know it's different, but we're both being faced with this rush to have kids before we can't anymore. Different circumstances, same situation. It was really cool to be relating to this person I'd never met before! Want to hear something funny? We all have the same doctor!
All of this on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was having a difficult time that day as it was and this was a good way to get it out. All in all, it was a really cathartic experience. All week I've been feeling a little better than I have in awhile. Now, if I ever see a grape martini again...
I'm glad you could have a frank conversation with a group of people. You describe it as freeing, and I bet it really was.
ReplyDeleteAs far as being a blogger - you are not a failure! I understand about running out of things to say - when there is nothing happening, and you've said it all before - you feel like there isn't much of a point anymore. I've been there, many times.
I really enjoy your blog (and I like the new background) and look forward to your updates. I'm hoping you get your rainbow baby soon... ((Bug Hugs))
What a great post! I am guilty of making the awkward dark jokes BIG TIME. I am the Queen of Awkward Jokes. But I love this quote:
ReplyDelete"As for me, I believe that if there's a God — and I am as neutral on the subject as is possible — then the most basic proof of His existence is black humor. What else explains it, that odd, reliable comfort that billows up at the worst moments, like a beautiful sunset woven out of the smoke over a bombed city." ~ Elizabeth McCracken
Wow, what a great, libreating conversation. It is so, so rare that you can just sit with people and talk like that.
ReplyDeleteI feel like my blog is the same too. I am always sad about Jacob, I see something that reminds me of him, I miss him, etc. But no matter what us BLM's write, and no matter how many times we write it, there is always someone else feeling the same way who find it helpful to read what we have written, knowing that someone feels the same way. I never notice on other Mom's blogs how many times they write about being sad, I expect it and I go there to read how they are feeling anyway.
Thank you, ladies. No matter what, I always feel better when you respond telling me I'm not a freak! I feel that way more often than I'd like to. Your comments mean so much. :)
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a failure as a blogger <3 This is your space for you and your sweet angels. I am so glad that you were able to have such an open and frank conversation with your friends. Grief (especially baby loss) is so taboo. To be able to talk about our experiences with loss is so incredibly freeing. I am glad you were able to be there for each other. Thinking about you always! <3
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