Back to work again

In a word that couldn't possibly sufficiently expresses my feelings towards returning to work, being back has been awful. There it is. I have been back to work for all of 4 days and I have never wanted to quit more. The thing is, I don't especially like my job in the first place. It pays well, it will look good on a resume, and I gained quality experience the first year I worked here full time (I worked summer and winter breaks as a student hire a year prior). However, I am no longer gaining any more experience or responsibilities than I did the previous 2 years, I'm not at all passionate for the work I do, and the workplace is full of drama.

On the first day back, it took all my effort to attempt not to cry constantly. I succeeded in the not constantly part. The drive to work was difficult. It was so final. My baby is gone so I have to go back to work. This, of course, made me cry. I tried to only let myself cry a little though; I didn't want to set precedence for the rest of the day. Yeah, totally didn't work. I cried on the walk to my desk. Just being in the building, walking by people I hadn't seen in a month was enough to overwhelm me. I also cried at my desk. I came back on the first Wednesday of the month, which is when we have lab meetings. I skipped it. I decided there was no way I could be around everyone my first day back. Instead, I went down to my mom's office to talk. I told her how difficult it was being back and how I was afraid everyone would ignore me, which would make being back so much worse. She said she had told people and was sure they wouldn't ignore me. I was hopeful but knew, under certain situations, the same person will almost always act the same.

Everyone has been ignoring me. I can tell they're uncomfortable when they look at me. Jason and Roselyn are the only two people that actually said "I'm sorry" and talked to me about my loss. They're the only two people I'll really miss when I leave. Brandy asked a couple of times how I was doing but I could see how uncomfortable it made her feel when my eyes filled with held back tears, ready to burst, just to say "ok." I wish they could understand what I'm going through. At least then they would know that not talking about it, not acknowledging it, only makes it worse for me.

Tuesday seemed a little easier until I got a "I need to talk to you" email from Brandy. Actually listening to her was extremely difficult because I was trying so hard not to cry the entire time. She wanted to make me aware of how difficult it was to approve my working from home while I was on bed rest. It was just so difficult and even after I was on bed rest, so many people got involved and it was just a big mess. Just to let me know, for future reference, if/when I get pregnant again, working from home will not be approved. Also, when I get pregnant again, and of course she understands my reasons for wanting to wait to tell but, I have to find a way to let her know I am. That way, in case there are BSL-3 viruses (the kind you don't work with when you're pregnant) that need to be screened, she can do them so we don't get behind, especially when they're for shipments. Not that it's happened before, mind you, but for future reference.

WTF?! First off, totally inappropriate and unnecessary conversation. The last thing I'm thinking about 10 days after I lost my baby, and my second day back at work, is getting pregnant again. I don't care if I get approved for working at home; if my doctor says bed rest then I'm doing it. I don't really care how hard it was to get me approved to work from home because it wasn't my idea in the first place. I told you I was looking into short-term disability, which my contractor totally would have approved, but it was your idea to have me work at home so I could get work done and still get paid at my hourly wage (short-term disability is 60%). Also, I'm not telling you when I'm pregnant. That is my business. OMG, I was so pissed and upset. I don't care what situation it is, it is not cool to talk about future pregnancies to a woman who just lost her baby. It's not like pregnancies are expendable and a miscarriage is nothing. I lost one of the loves of my life.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a workplace to request you notify them when you're pregnant. I'm still deciding whether or not I should consult my HR rep about it, thus reporting her. Whatever. I decided that her insensitivity towards my miscarriage was one of ignorance and a one time thing. I went about the next day and a half as "normal" as I could, though most of my time was spent on BBC. As sad as it is, it really does help to read other women’s stories and know that I'm not the only one. I wish no one ever had to experience loss but it's nice having other women I can relate to and who know what I'm going through. I left that Friday feeling relieved, thinking I had left the worst behind me and I could get back to work as usual.

Then today (Monday) happened. I currently feel like Brandy is a bitch. Also a part of her Tuesday talk was that she wanted weekly updates about what I accomplished for the week and what I planned to do for the following week. I don't think this is unreasonable in itself, but the fact that she's all the sudden implementing it right after I come back from working at home, after I've been working for her for 2 and a half years, is suspicious and upsetting. Well, today she reminded me about sending it to her, which I did. She responded by saying I didn't do much work for the first 3 days I was back and to please do more work in the future. There is a lot of work to be done, etc. I told her that I was sorry and realized I didn't do that much work but to please understand I'm grieving, that was my first 3 days back, and my work is picking up this week. She then responded by saying that she understands I'm grieving (though she clearly has no idea what grief is) and it's not a big deal since my work is picking up, but if I'm coming to work and getting paid then I need to be working and if I'm not, that's a problem. Now things are completely awkward between us.

Here comes another WTF?! I knew I didn't do that much work. It's been so hard to focus on work when my mind is elsewhere. I have no motivation right now. I came back to work before I was ready because we couldn't afford for me to take unpaid time off. However, I admitted it and apologized for it. It was also my first fucking 3 days back. Seriously, how about you let me settle in before you start scolding me? Once I admit it and tell you my reason why, is it really necessary to continue to tell me why you don't care and that I need to get more work done since I'm getting paid? The thing is, she made it sound like I wasn't doing any work, though I was. I just wasn't doing as much work as she thought I was should be. Any person with a heart would give me time to settle in, but no, I have to be at 100% productivity from day 1. I think it's worth mentioning to me if it becomes an ongoing problem but was it really necessary to mention it to me after my first 3 days back after I had a miscarriage? I feel it's important to point out that she is super workaholic chick. She's the person that only takes her lunch at work and is on the computer working while eating. She also comes in on weekends. I feel like she expects much more from me than my position requires. She expects me to do the amount of work she does when I'm 4 years younger in a temporary positions vs. her permanent full time employee position. I'm all for doing the work I'm getting paid for but I'm not about to use my lunch breaks to get more work done than necessary when I’m in a non-career position.

That has been my life at work so far. I hate my job more than ever. I don't think I have ever gone from being completely indifferent about someone to extreme dislike so quickly. I'm desperately trying to find a new job. I thought about school, though I don't want to get a masters in my field, and I'm kind of liking the idea. I would really like to get a certificate/degree as a medical laboratory technician. It's something I thought about doing even as I entered college and it really appeals to me. Unfortunately, I can't find any local schools with that program, the closest being Colorado Springs or Denver (1+ hours away). There might be a school in Greeley (30 min away) with that program but I will have to look more thoroughly. I would really like to do online for at least a portion of the course if I can. It's a position with a lot of potential and I would start out making at least what I'm making now. I could take out more student loans (not ideal but necessary) and defer current student loans in repayment which would be helpful right now. I've set a deadline that I must find some jobs to at least apply to by the end of this weekend and/or have a list of schools that I want to apply to. I'm determined to get out of this job by the end of next month. It's not healthy for my currently emotionally unstable self to come home crying every day because of work. Ugh. Why can't life be easier?