Saturday night we went down to see Andrew's parents. We hadn't seen them since we lost the baby and we didn't want to wait until Christmas; we didn't want that to be the first day we talked to them about it in person. It's easier talking about it now. I thought it would be harder because I haven't talked to them since the miscarriage, but it wasn't. We told them about what happned, what's next, and when we are going to start trying again and his mom said she would pray for us.
I realized that waiting is the hardest part. I want to have a baby to hold in my arms so badly but I know my body still needs to heal in order for that to happen. I'm on my first period since the miscarriage and the doctors don't prepare you for it. The first few days it seemed very normal, except for passing some clots, then it got extremely heavy. Yesterday, I had cramps so bad it felt like I was in labor again, which made me cry because it was like the miscarriage all over again. I took 1200mg of Ibuprofen in two hours and it did almost nothing to stop the pain. I had to go home and take one of the leftover percocet the doctor prescribed for after miscarriage cramps. Within 30 minutes the cramps were gone and 30 minutes after that, if I didn't lay down, I felt like I had morning sickness again (which also made me a little depressed). I forgot how nauseas percocet makes me (from when I had my wisdom teeth out). I did a lot of research online and on forums and found out heavy, crampy periods are normal and the clots are just stuff that didn't pass when I had the baby. It's your body's way of clearing out all the "bad" stuff. As much as this period sucks, it was the first thing I've been waiting for and I'm happy it happened so quickly. I was told it could take up to 6 or 7 weeks after the miscarriage. I hope my next period comes on time too. One down, one to go. :)
In other news, Andrew and I have almost finished our Christmas shopping. We have one more package from Amazon coming today and we will be done! Christmas feels weird this year. I have always loved Christmas so much and am usually super excited for it. I am enjoying the season, don't get me wrong, but it's just harder to get in the spirit this year. At least I'm at the point where my happy days out number my sad days. I still can't help but think about what would be happening if I was still pregnant; I'd be almost 20 weeks and sometime between Christmas and my birthday we would have been able to find out the sex of the baby. I miss you, my angel baby.
I am really excited to give presents though. I think Andrew and I did a good job this year of picking out great gifts and I can't wait to see the excited look on everyones faces! We're just doing the personal gift exchange with Andrew's family instead of the big dinner they usually have. We decided that it's Christmas, a time to be happy and enjoy life, and it's not a day we want be reminded of the tragic loss of our son over and over again. We already think of him every day and I would like to have only positive thoughts of him on Christmas. It would be different if it was any other (regular) day. I hope that everyone can understand that and know that the holidays are the hardest times to deal with loss (in my opinion) and not take it personally.
We are also having lunch/dinner with my mom on Christmas day. I finally get to meet the guy she's been dating for the last 2 or 3 months and approve (hopefully). We've decided not to do gift exchange this year, due mostly in part to my mom's medical bills after breaking her wrist, which is a bit of a relief. We have a medical bill of our own from the hospital so any way we can save money is good. Plus it'll be nice to just eat and relax. I'm really excited about the food. I can't wait!
Merry Christmas!
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