Christmas time

Christmas was really nice this year. Andrew's family decided to cancel the big family dinner, due to snow (and no parking spaces), so we were able to go down earlier and have dinner with them. His mom and I ended up getting a bit drunk off of the wine. The whole evening was very enjoyable and gift giving was very fun this year. Everyone seemed pretty happy with their presents.

Near the end of the evening, it became less enjoyable. A string of small disasters led up to me having a nuclear meltdown at home later. A little before we were leaving I felt one of my earings and it was missing the stone in it. No big deal, I can just buy new earings...they were cheap anyway. Then we get in the car and start to drive, realizing that for some reason my door isn't latching. Andrew and his dad tried to figure out what was wrong but ended up having to tie it shut. I sat in the back seat on the way home, which was strange, but I tried to make light of the situation though Andrew seemed a little grumpy. After we got home I was getting ready for bed, taking my jewelry off, and I dropped my wedding ring and band. The ring fell on my vanity but I couldn't find the band. I started looking for it and when I couldn't find it right away, I became frantic. I searched in all the pockets of my make-up bag, all the drawers of my jewelry box, all over the floor and in the vent. Andrew joined in my search and had no better luck. Then I started crying and continued to frantically search until I ended up throwing things of my vanity.

Andrew was very gentle and told me to calm down, at which point I layed down on the floor and just started bawling. He continued to search for my wedding band while I told him how depressing life was. It's bad enough that my child was taken from me but life had to continue throwing these little irritating situations on me. If God exists he hates me. He doesn't want me to be happy. I'm not supposed to have a child and losing my wedding band was a "sign" that I'm not supposed to have a happy marriage either. If He is only supposed to give us as much as we can handle, then I can't handle anymore and I should just give up now. I think that might have been the single most depressing moment of my life after the miscarriage, which obviously contributed to how I was feeling. That and the wine...

Just when I was feeling like everything was hopeless, Andrew sat on the floor next to me and handed me my wedding band. "Where did you find it?!" "In one of the drawers of your jewelry box." "But I looked in there and didn't see it. How did it even get in there?" He didn't know how it got in there either but that's where he found it. "I guess I am supposed to be with you. You help me when things are hard." He agreed and told me he would always be there. (Or something like that).

It was Christmas the next day and I told him I was sorry for being crazy. It's just when you are so emotionally fragile, it doesn't take much to set you off. We had a great breakfast of ham, eggs, and toast. Then we unwrapped the presents we bought ourselves (I just wanted something to open on Christmas) and relaxed on the couch the rest of the morning. We went to my mom's that afternoon for a late lunch and met her new boyfriend, Tim. He's nice. After dinner we played some Wii Sports Resort and drank beer. Tim had never played the Wii so it was funny to see him and my mom play. We tried playing the Mario Bros. for the Wii, but they had no idea what was going on. Old people. :)

Yesterday we took my car in to the shop where it miraculously fixed itself. They said they couldn't find anything wrong so they think it was just frozen. Frozen for four days? Still popping open on the drive there (it was tied shut but every bump and turn it would ding at me that it wasn't closed)? Then fixes itself? I'm glad it's fine but it was very frustrating. We also bought a new Christmas tree for next year. 50% off at Walmart. It's quite a big bigger than the one we borrowed from my mom; we are going to have to do a lot of rearranging to fit it in next year. Hopefully that won't be the only reason to rearrange. Hopefully next year we will be celebrating our new baby's first Christmas. We'll see how things go come February...

It was a pretty nice Christmas season overall, though it definitely had a darker mood about it than previous Christmases (for me). Obviously a lot of it has to do with my sadness about losing the baby, which still affects me deeply. I've had very few nights of restful sleep, even though the baby/children dreams are mostly gone. I have been having a lot of dreams where I am in horrible and difficult situations that often result in my death. I also had an 11 day period which didn't help with it's mood swings. I'm still waiting to feel normal again, and even though I do have days of normalcy, normal isn't the same as it used to be. Normal is me with a piece missing. I'll never get that piece back. For the most part it's life as usual, I still just have my days...my set-backs. I wish I didn't have them, but they are getting fewer and farther between and I'd like to think they are helping me understand a lot about myself. I can honestly say that I'm pretty happy with life right for now. I'm very lucky to have a few close friends, supportive family, and my loving husband, who I couldn't live without.

Holden's Christmas Decoration