It just takes one thing for it all to come crashing back

Today was a typical day at work, full of procrastination of course. Damn Facebook and its addictiveness! In addition to some computer work I had to do I was working on a report for the company that my fellowship is through. I have to summarize what I've done/learned the past year, future plans, etc. I needed to verify when my end date was so I was going through my email to see if I could find any paperwork that stated when my fellowship was officially over. That led me to start cleaning out my horribly full inbox. I seriously don't delete anything. I was going through months worth of emails and just hitting the delete button.

I came across an email from a couple of months ago entittled "poem." It was an email to Andrew about how I wanted to tell our families that we were pregnant. This is the poem:

I do not have a face to see,
or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss;
I don't yet have a name.

You can't hold my tiny hands,
or whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
or cuddle me so near.

But all will change come May 16th,
when they say I'm due.
I'm your new [niece/nephew/grandchild/etc.];
I can't wait till I meet you.

We ended up just using it for my grandma and brother and did something different for our parents. We gave them a baby picture frame with "Picture to follow in May 2010" on it:

Andrew replied by saying he just wanted to announce it. He didn't want to tell some people and not others and he was excited and wanted to tell everyone. He said he was hopeful that we would have a smooth pregnancy.

I replied telling him how I didn't want to tell everyone, mostly I didn't want it getting around at work yet, though I was sure we were going to have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy.

After I read that I almost broke down at work. I left 20 minutes early because I knew I was going to cry. I really tried not to, my eyes started filling up in the car and then I would breathe and focus on something to keep myself from crying. That cycle went on for the next 15 minutes until I got home let it loose.

I remember those people. The so-in-love newlyweds expecting their first child. They were so excited and happy. There was no reason to doubt that everything was going to be fine. I miss that feeling. I miss the baby inside of me and everything he was going to be in our lives. Part of me wonders if I was being so cautious because I thought something would go wrong. Of course, thinking something might happen and it actually happening are two different things. Deep down though, I was already planning our future with a baby. I would go online and look at baby clothes, toys, furniture, and anything baby related! I really never thought anything so horrible would happen. It took one little email reminding me of how happy I was to show me how sad I still am. It's getting easier but I still have days that set me back. I wish it was easier.