Maya's First 11 Days

The first couple of weeks after Maya was born were really tough on us. Because she was born before 37 weeks (36 weeks 2 days) she automatically had to go to the NICU for a minimum of 24 hours of observation. Her stay extended to 11 days. Initially I did get some time with her in the recovery room but once they took her away it was another 6 hours or so, when the spinal started to wear off and they had me get out of bed, that I could finally visit her in the NICU. Longest hours of my life! 

They had to put an IV in her hand to help regulate her blood sugar. It was so hard seeing an IV in her tiny hand, but they turned it off after a couple of days and took it out not long after that. Otherwise she was maintaining her temp and breathing fine on her own. They told us she would likely go home with us when we were discharged. Well, after a couple of days she got pretty bad jaundice and had to have light therapy. They wanted to make sure her levels were declining after 24 hours of light therapy before discharging her, which they did. Then they started getting concerned about her weight loss. Some nurses made it seem as though it was a huge concern though later the nurse practitioner told us that it was at 8% loss, which is within the acceptable range of up to 10% that happens for all newborns. I think they were more worried because she was so small to begin with. At her lowest she was 4lbs 3oz. They became so concerned with her intake that they were going solely off what she took from the bottle which pushed us away from breastfeeding. I was discharged on Saturday, 4 days later, but they wanted to watch her for another night before she went home. They were able to get us a spot in one of the 2 free family rooms they have for the night.

We thought we would get to take her home the next day but when we showed up in the morning they told us she was having issues with her oxygen saturation. She was still breathing but her levels had dropped to 70% once in the night. They wanted to watch her for another 24 hours to make sure it didn't happen again before discharging her. We got the room for another night and then found out the next day that she had a few more episodes and that she wasn't going home yet. On the 8th night they ended up putting her on oxygen. They told us that we could take her home after 24-48 hours of observation. They did a couple of room air challenges in that time where they took her off of oxygen to see how long she could last before her oxygen saturation dropped. She failed one in 4 minutes but passed the second one. She also had to do a car seat challenge which they said she probably would have failed without oxygen. At that point it was either keep her there for more observation or go home on oxygen. Well of course we wanted to take her home! We got to take her home on Christmas Eve on oxygen and a pulse-oximeter, which detects pulse and oxygen levels.

As we stepped in the elevator carrying her car seat, it was so surreal. It was amazing that after two and a half years, the loss and heartache, and the roller coaster pregnancy and first days of Maya's life, that we were finally getting to take this beautiful little person home with us.

Rainbows are Beautiful

I have been meaning to update but things have been crazy. So much has happened in the last couple of months. At 34 weeks I had a growth ultrasound and they found my fluid levels were a little low at 7cm and Maya's growth was a little behind but not much, so they decided to do non-stress tests (NST) and biophysical profiles (BPP) weekly until the scheduled c-section on December 28th. She got a 10/10 at the 34 week scan. At the 35 week BPP the u/s tech gave a very inaccurate result. She said there was no fluid and no detectible movement as far as muscle tone is concerned, even though both my mom and I could see Maya kicking on the screen and I could feel her moving like crazy. The tech herself even pointed out her moving her fingers! Apparently they can't measure fluid if it has umbilical cord in it and all measurable fluid had that in it so she didn't count it. She gave me a 4/10. They admitted me to the hospital that night, hooked me up to the monitors and she was moving around like crazy. My OB said that everything was looking perfect- textbook even! They did a repeat u/s and found that my levels were a little lower at 6cm but definitely not zero. I scored another 10/10. They decided that I would go to the perinatology group the following week for the BPP and not mess with the untrained hospital techs.

At 36 weeks and 2 days we drove to Denver, an hour and a half away, to get an u/s. They found that my fluid levels were quite a bit lower at 2-4 cm, which is technically oligohydramnios. Her growth had slowed even more and she was measuring at the 12th percentile. We then spent awhile while they tried to get ahold of my OB (after hours) and figure out what to do with me. After they got ahold of the on call Dr. that works in that office the decided that the best thing was for us to head home and to get that baby out! We were in total shock. My OB called when we were on the way back home to go to the hospital and talked to me about what was going to happen.

We got home, grabbed our bag, took our dogs to my mom's, and then met my mom at the hospital. It all happened so fast! Maya Rae was born by emergency c-section at 9:39 pm on Tuesday, December 13. She weighed 4 lbs 9 oz and measured 17.24 inches. I cried when they showed her to me. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! We both felt so lucky that despite all the complications along the way she was here, alive, and she was ours.

I'll update more about life after her birth soon!

Baby Showers and Angelversaries

This past Saturday, November 19th, was Holden's 2 year angelversary and Maya's baby shower. I was a little nervous about what my reaction would be on that day and how I would handle it. At first when I woke up that morning, it didn't seem like it would be too difficult. I laid in bed browsing the internet on my phone, but soon became a sobbing mess. Andrew's birthday is a few days before on the 15th and I had hung a happy birthday banner in the bedroom that day. I had been too lazy to take it back down and as I was laying in bed, I saw it. I thought to myself how fitting that I didn't take it down because it could be used for Holden's birthday too. That set off the tears. All I could think was how unfair it was that 2 years ago, my little boy died. My Holden.

After crying on and off for a couple hours that morning and laying around, we got ready to go to the shower. It was hard trying to put on my happy face when I was so sad. All I wanted to do was stay at home and just feel my grief. I still can't believe that it hit so hard after 2 years. I was so excited that we were getting a shower for Maya, but it was hard to be happy on THAT day. Then, of course, all I could think was what a horrible memory this would be to relive if she dies. It's so conflicting wanting to be happy for this pregnancy, being fearful of something terrible happening, and feeling depressed that I never got these experiences with my little boys. I miss them and wish they could be here but I know that no world exists where they could all be my living children.

It ended up being a small shower, about 17 people, mostly family, which was a good thing. Neither Andrew or I like being the center of attention, and since it was an emotionally challenging day, it was nice that it was small. We got several nice little gifts and I ended up having a fun time. I ate way too much cake and suffered for it later.

I am so thankful that we've made it to 33 weeks and were able to have a family gathering to celebrate our little girl, something we never got with Holden and Parker. I just hope we have a little girl to bring home, to dress in all these cute outfits and wrap up in our arms. I'm so ready for her to be here.

Viability

I reached viability this week! As of today I am 24 weeks and 2 days. It's an amazing feeling. I honestly never imagined making it to this point. It has always seemed so far away; so out of reach. I know that this is just one small milestone in long journey, but it has done so much to ease my worries. Holden and Parker were still alive when my water broke. If I had made it to 24 weeks before it happened, then maybe they wouldn't have died. Right now I feel like if history repeats itself, which I'm really hoping it doesn't, at least my little girl will have a chance. That's one thing I can give her that I couldn't give her big brothers. She still needs to bake for another 3+ months though, so stay in there little one!

We finally started looking at baby stuff online- cribs, car seats, pack 'n plays, etc. We've been terrified to do it all pregnancy, and while it's still scary, it has been so exciting to make it to this part of our journey. It's nice to be able to experience a little bit of normalcy and just be happy expecting parents.

I really appreciate all the support and encouraging words I've received along the way. I'm also glad I've been able to follow along all the blogs talking about their rainbow pregnancies. It gives me a lot of hope, especially after reaching the 24 week mark, that I may just get to bring this baby home. For now I'm just trying to take it a day by day and a milestone at a time. Next up, 28 weeks! Keep growing, baby girl.

Cerclage Placement and Recovery

The cerclage was a success! I figured I should write an update of how it went and how I'm doing now.

The morning of the cerclage was kind a a blur; we were rushing around to get ready and get everything together for our overnight trip. We got everything packed up and took the dogs to my mom's for the weekend. I hadn't been able to eat or drink anything since the night before, which I was worried about since my hunger usually wakes me up in the morning, but I was too nervous to be hungry. We were supposed to be at the hospital by 9:00 AM and Google maps was telling us it was an hour and 45 minute trip. We ended up leaving about 20 minutes later than planned and the whole time my stomach was in knots. Somehow we still made it to the hospital right on time, got registered, and headed up to Perinatology by 9:30 AM. They gave an overview of the procedure, after surgery care, etc., and checked for urinary/vaginal infections. Then we got to hang out until surgery prep time.

At 11:00 AM I was taken back to the pre-OP area where I was garbed in a lovely yellow hospital gown and socks, got my IV in, had some blood drawn to make sure that the Lovenox was out of my system, and had to take some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds to prepare my little cervix for the trauma it was about to endure. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand why they tell you no solids AND FLUIDS, and then hook you up to giant bags of saline. They always make me have to urinate a ton. Andrew was able to come back then and we just talked and I tried to remain calm until the 1:00 PM surgery time. The clock was behind the bed so I kept having to ask him what time it was and it was never more than 15 minutes later. Time seemed to go so slowly!

It was finally time to say goodbye to Andrew and I was wheeled into the operating room. Having had a cerclage once before, I felt a little more calm and prepared this time. They did a spinal/epidural combo (epidural for after surgery pain management) which was different than before. I did not like the crampy feeling when they put the epidural catheter in. Once it was in they taped it and there was no more discomfort. It seemed to take forever for the spinal to fully kick in though, just like last time. The anesthesiologist did comparisons on my shoulder to lower abdomen and thighs to see if I was losing sensation and after awhile got pretty forceful with her pinches and pokes. I had a bruise on my shoulder the next day! And of course there was the added bonus of being stuck on my back, legs spread open and fully exposed to the world to make me feel nice and vulnerable.

When I was all prepped the Peri came in and started the surgery. For awhile, everything was fine. I was chatting with the anesthesiologist and trying not to focus on what they were doing "down there." Then I started noticing that I could feel more of what was happening on the right side. The anesthesiologist told me that was normal and that I might feel pressure but it shouldn't hurt. Then it started getting uncomfortable and I had moments of biting my lip to compensate for the discomfort and trying to determine if it hurt or not. At that point I realized it was more than just pressure and was becoming painful. Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes and the anesthesiologist decided to put something in my IV. While waiting for that to kick in I started bawling. She was so sweet about it. She was wiping my tears away and told me to try not to cry, she needed me to breath deep for the baby, and that the pain meds would kick in soon. Within a couple of minutes I noticed my eyelids were feeling heavier and I realized the pain meds were working. The rest of the surgery went by smoothly. All in all it was 20 minutes.

When the Peri was done he told me it was a hard stitch to place, not the hardest, but one of the more difficult he's done. He then went to tell Andrew how it went and told him that because of the trauma done to my cervix, it was a very challenging cerclage to place and recommended that we may consider keeping the cerclage in and doing a c-section. In the mean time I was wheeled into recovery and stayed there for about an hour. They checked my leg responsiveness and while I could wiggle the toes on my right side, lift my leg, bend my knee, I could pretty much just flex the ankle on my left side. My spinal had worked lopsided which is why I started feeling pain during surgery. I was having quite a bit of cramping so they started the epidural right away and that helped tremendously.

I met Andrew up in L&D and we got settled in for the night. It was a long night with little sleep. They cleared me for a regular diet so I ordered hospital food which was amazing at the time because I was starving, but gave me terrible gas pain and constipation the next morning; that's not good when you have pelvic pain and can't exert a lot of pressure in that area. They came in to change out IV bags, give me medications, and check on the baby's heart beat every so often. They also left the blood pressure cuff on and I guess I would bend my arm weird in my sleep and it would alarm, and I normally have low blood blood pressure, so when I sleep it's even lower, and that set off the alarm as well. Plus hospital beds really aren't that comfortable. The Foley catheter they placed started bugging me in the middle of the night so they stopped my epidural around 3:30 AM and then took the catheter out around 5:30 AM. I was up within 20 minutes to go to the bathroom. It felt great! Unfortunately all the blood and antibacterial wash they had used kept dripping out for a few hours. I was able to eat some breakfast and we had to wait for one of the Peri's to get in and clear us to check out. They said that would happen by 9:00 or 10:00 AM. A nurse finally came in around 11:30 AM and asked if we had seen the Peri yet and then she left to find her. She came in about 30 minutes after that, it looked like she just arrived or was on her way out, asked how I felt, "fine," and then said we were ok to go. Andrew and I looked at each other like "I can't believe we had to wait for that."

The nurse was supposed to give me a percocet before leaving because the epidural had completely worn off and I was cramping quite a bit, but forgot. Thank goodness Andrew had decided to fill my prescriptions before we left, so I was able to take one while waiting for him to find our car. We had used valet parking when we arrived on Friday but apparently they didn't run on the weekends. We finally got on the road but with all the detour signs we ended up going the wrong way on the interstate. At this point I was in a lot of pain and really uncomfortable even being reclined in the car, and really had to pee thanks to all the fluids they had given me. I started crying and it was making him really anxious. When the percocet kicked in I was feeling a little better and more calm, so Andrew quit freaking out. We stopped twice on the way home so I could pee. We met Andrew's parents at one of the gas stations and they gave us a cooked meal and some other food. So sweet of them.

That first day I was feeling pretty miserable. I crawled on the couch as soon as we got home. My mom brought the dogs over and a meal she had cooked too. What great family we have! Then I took a nap. When I woke up I was feeling significantly better, probably because I finally got some sleep, but still crampy. I was using percocet regularly the first 2 days but was able to ween myself off by day 5. Recovery seemed to be going smoothly and I was feeling better each day. Then Friday, a week later, I had a little scare. I was having some stabbing pains and then had some bright red spotting. Had an exam and u/s and my cervix looked amazing, 1cm longer even, and baby was great. They said the bleeding was probably just from the cerclage and because of the Lovenox.

I had my scheduled u/s with the Peri 4 days later and they looked more at the cervix and stitch and the baby. She was measuring a few days behind which they assured me was normal as babies grow at different rates, and the cervix was measuring around 3.2 cm! We talked a little bit more about doing a c-section and that is something I need to talk to my OB about. We will have one more u/s with the Peri group at 26 weeks and then I graduate out of their care! I've been able to resume mostly normal activity but still taking it easy. Two and a half weeks later and things are still going great.

Cerclage

Tomorrow morning Andrew and I are off to Englewood, Colorado to get my cerclage placed. After weeks of ultrasounds with great cervical length measurements in the mid 3cm range, we found out on Tuesday that it had shortened to 2.05cm. Ideal range is 3-5 with anything below 2.5 being very concerning.

I know we had been doing ultrasounds every two weeks just for this very reason but I was still upset by the news. Things had been going so well. I really thought the Lovenox was the solution to all my problems. Now this. I'm trying to be optimistic. I have a lot of confidence in the perinatologist doing the procedure. Their group has just been wonderful in monitoring me.

Even though I did this before with Parker, I'm still so nervous for tomorrow. I know the cerclage experience I had with him makes this all the more scary but knowing what I know now, I absolutely believe that his and Holden's losses had nothing to do with my cervix and everything to do with the clotting disorders. This time I have a very typical presentation of cervical incompetence. No pain or bleeding this time, just a shortening cervix which was still closed as of Tuesday. I hope it still is.

Wish me luck! We have to stay overnight to be monitored to make sure I don't start having contractions or anything. I hate being so close to viability yet so far. I'll be 21 weeks 5 days tomorrow so I just need another 2 weeks and 1 day at the minimum for this little girl to have a chance at life if something were to happen. I really hope the procedure goes smoothly tomorrow and that in another 4 months I get to bring my baby girl home.

15 Weeks

Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. I dared to hope and dream I would but I've never been able to imagine it. Now that I've reached this milestone, the most pregnant I've ever been, I'm faced with many conflicting emotions. I thought I'd feel more relief. In some ways I do. Things are going much better at this point than they ever did in either pregnancy before. That doesn't many I still can't lose this baby. Fear has a strong hold on me. Now I find myself thinking how cruel it would be to become more attached and in love with this baby growing inside of me only to be devastated by more loss. I just can't go through that again. Hear that, little one? You stay put until it's time for you to come out.

I'm so happy to have made it through my loss milestones and that things are looking good. I'm really trying to be positive. Andrew and I celebrated making it to 15 weeks today. We had Indian food for lunch (I had been craving it!) and then went to Barnes & Noble to buy our first baby things, a few baby books. I really hope I get to read them to my living child one day!

We haven't ever had a day to just celebrate the baby so it was a very special day. I'm so thankful to have made it this far and hope I get to make it another 15 weeks and then some!

178

My appointment on Tuesday went well. The whole drive over I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility of her not finding the heartbeat. I kept thinking she wouldn't find the heartbeat so we'd have to go get an ultrasound and the baby would be dead. Then I'd feel really sad and tell myself she HAS to find it. It took a while of searching and finally she said she was giving me the deep treatment. After pressing down harder she was finally able to pick it up. She'd get it and then it would be gone. She'd find it again and then it would disappear. She finally got a reading of 178bpm. I was just so happy to hear that sweet sound.

The OB said that things are looking good so far. She said she wishes we could be like a normal couple, where she could tell us that since there's a strong heartbeat so close to the second trimester that we're getting our of the danger zone, but that wouldn't give us much comfort. We have the appointment with the Perinatologist next Tuesday where we'll be doing the NT scan and cervical length check and we'll know more about what's next then. For now we'll just schedule an appointment for four weeks. Also, I should continue my modified bed rest. Basically, when I'm home, rest as much as possible.

That was my fifth day of no spotting in a row. Then on day six, after a strained bowl movement (thank you constipation), I had some more spotting. It was not like the spotting I've had before, that was more pink/red streaked mucous. This time it was a bright red spot of only blood and took a few wipes to clear away. It really had me freaked out! I told myself that it's still just spotting, nothing heavy, so I shouldn't worry unless it got heavier or continued. Luckily I haven't had any for the last two days. Please, bleeding, stay away! I don't need you stressing me out. I have enough stress already, thank you.

We're moving into our new place on Sunday. We're getting lots of help so I don't have to lift a finger. I'm so thankful to have so many family members and friends that are willing to help. Andrew and I have been pretty stressed trying to get things done with me only being able to minimally help. I can tell he gets annoyed and a little frustrated that I'm not doing more but I know he knows why I can't. I feel bad because I wish I could do more. I've probably been pushing myself more than I should. I can't wait until we are moved in and hopefully that will reduce some of this stress. We just have way too many things going on right now.

I'm getting more and more scared the further along I am. I'll be 12 weeks on Sunday when we move. That's less than two weeks from when we lost Parker (13w5d) and three from when we lost Holden (14w5d). I told Andrew that it would be amazing if we could make it to our next OB appointment which would put me at 15+ weeks. At the same time, we've never made it that far and I'm terrified of even scheduling it because I can't imagine that I'll still be pregnant then. Part of me thinks it's pointless to schedule it and the other part is just wishing so hard that I can make it. Of course I'll make the appointment, but I'm sure I'll be thinking how much it's going to suck to cancel in a few weeks. Gosh, I wish this pessimism would go away!

Tried to find the heartbeat on my home doppler this morning to help ease my fears, but couldn't. I had to tell myself that the OB had a tough time just three days ago and I'm still only 11 weeks 5 days so it's still kind of early. I'm sure my doppler isn't the best either I wish I had noted when I found it with Parker. I was thinking it was late 11 weeks or early 12. I'll try again when we get moved and hope I can find it. I'd like some reassurance before I go to the ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby is still ok. For now I'm just trying to have hope that he or she is still growing strong in there and that everything will be fine. Keep growing little one!

32 Days of Lovenox

I am 11 weeks and 1 day today and last night I did my 32nd shot of Lovenox. Officially over a month of shots done! Still ~244 shots to go. They have been relatively easy to do even though I go through periods where I take longer to do a shot. It's not that I'm afraid it will hurt, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but in my mind I'm thinking "I don't want to do this anymore." I know that I will and that I have to, but some days it's hard. I guess I get that way about my vitamins too. I get sick of taking them. I know that ultimately I'm doing it for a great cause but I just wish I knew for sure that it would be worth it. That in the end I will have this living baby to hold in my arms and take home with me.

I'm really not trying to complain but lately I've been thinking a lot about losing this baby. I've been 4 days spotting free after 15 or 16 days of it in a row, which was really stressful. Now, I'm freaking about about not spotting and what it means. Logically, no spotting would be a good thing, but I can't help but think that maybe it means something is wrong. Crazy, I know.

I don't necessarily have a reason to think that I'll lose this baby, but given my past, I kind of do. You know? I feel so detached from this pregnancy. Much more than I did during my second pregnancy. With Parker, I just had one loss under my belt, thinking we had a reason why and a solution. At first I was scared to get excited, but after awhile it came and I was filled with hope and optimism. I just don't feel that now. I have the briefest moments of happiness but the rest of the time I'm in a constant state of fear. I can't help about thinking of the ways I could lose the baby, when it could happen, everything I would need to do to prepare, and about all the things I'd do differently this time. We still don't know definitively why I lost Holden and Parker. We just have potential causes and contributors to treat and hope that these interventions will help.

I think about losing the baby far more than I think of a future with a baby. I hate that I think that way. It's just so hard to imagine that I could bring this baby home. It used to be much easier to picture my life with children but now...I don't even know where to begin. I can't even imagine myself making it out of the second trimester. The further along I get the more the depression creeps in, in preparation for a loss. I think it's a protection mechanism but I know that it will do me no good if the day comes that I lose this baby too. As detached as I feel, I still love this baby so much and would be devastated beyond belief to lose him/her.

I really do try to think of the positive. When I start feeling negative I take a moment to just breathe, put my hand on my lower abdomen, and think positive thoughts and hope my baby can feel the positive energy and love. I definitely believe in the power of positive emotions I want my baby to know that, not just my constant stress and negativity. I look online at baby stuff now and then and on the birth boards. I think those are positive signs that hope is finding it's way back into my heart. Please let this baby make it.

I have an appointment tomorrow. We are supposed to listen for the hb on a doppler. I've been trying with my at home one but no luck yet. I don't think I was able to find it with Parker until mid to late 11 weeks so I'm trying not to let myself stress too much about it. The OB found it at early 11 weeks both times (I think). I hope she finds it tomorrow and that later this week I can start listening in. I'm not even sure why it gives me reassurance. Holden and Parker both had strong heart beats after my water broke so for me it hasn't ever been much of an indication that everything's ok. I guess I just know all the other ways things can go wrong so it gives me some comfort. Wish me luck at the appointment tomorrow!

Hesitation

I've been hesitant to post on here. I think it's all out of fear. I guess I should start with the news. I'm pregnant. Two days after my last post I took a test and it was positive. I find it funny that while I was posting about how I'm afraid I'll never be pregnant or have a child, that I was in fact pregnant. I'm 7 weeks and 3 days today.

I thought about posting right away, but I thought I would wait until I knew it would stick. I was so worried about another chemical pregnancy. I got a positive when I was about 3w5d and then took tests everyday for about 7 days to make sure they were getting darker, which they were. Thank goodness for those internet cheapies! Then I decided to wait to post the good news until our u/s at 6w2d. We were measuring pretty exact to my dates, within a day. Nice strong hb of 128. Since then I've just been too scared that if I post the news, then something bad will happen and I'll have to write another post about how I lost the baby. Stupid, huh?

The day after the u/s, I had my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual blood draws and swabs and she added a couple for infection as well, per the perinatologists suggestions for this pregnancy. Found out I have a small SCH again, like last pregnancy, but it's so small they couldn't measure it. Of course it has me worried. I started my Lovenox injections that day as well. That was what I was most terrified about in a subsequent pregnancy (other than losing the baby). It took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to do my first shot, not helped by Andrew saying "I thought you said the needle was just going under the skin....that looks long," but since then, I've been able to do them more easily. I'm pretty proud of myself! I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to stab myself in the stomach with a needle everyday. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant! The needle stab itself really doesn't hurt...most of the time, but the medicine burns like crazy! Icing the injection site before and after, and slow injection has really helped. I think I'm starting to get into a groove and finding out what works the best for me. 7 shots down, only 270 more to go!

I got a call a few days after my appointment saying that all my tests looked fine, but they did find Group B Strep in my urine. Normally they don't worry about this until labor, at which point they give you IV antibiotics, but since they found it so early, they decided to go ahead and have me take a 10 day course of oral antibiotics. For the most part, Google confirmed what the doctor had told me, but I decided to see if it's associated with miscarriage and found a few articles/studies done that believe it could be associated with recurring miscarriage and second trimester losses. Also, if they find it in your urine then your vagina is heavily colonized. Great. Another thing to worry about.

Sunday afternoon, at 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom and had a gush of blood. Hasn't this happened before during my previous two pregnancies? Andrew and I called urgent care and they had an OB in the office, the same one we saw during our first pregnancy that told us I was effacing. He did an exam and said the cervix was closed and felt fine. We got scheduled for an u/s at the hospital. They found the hb right away, a little stronger than last time at 141, and he/she had grown since the last u/s, so that was good. It was relieving to see that there was still a baby in there, but the bleeding has completely taken away all of our optimism. We were trying so hard to be positive this time because I'm on Metformin and Lovenox and the OB is consulting with a Perinatologist. This dragged us right back down to an uncomfortable level of fear and panic.

It would be dumb to expect a different outcome given the same series of events occurs in each one of my pregnancies. No matter what outward influence we exert on my body, it doesn't seem to have an affect. We want more than anything for this baby to live, to hold him/her in our arms in January, but we just can't visualize it. As much as we are hoping for the best, we are expecting the worst. Andrew and I had a nice long talk and decided if we make it into the second trimester again, or further, and lose another baby, we will probably stop trying. The idea of experiencing that level of pain even one more time is too much. In some ways, our losses have brought us so much closer together, but they have also put a huge strain on our relationship.

I hate that this is even a topic of conversation when I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I wish we could just have a normal pregnancy and know that we will take this baby home, but we have to prepare for "ifs." I hope so much that I won't have any more bleeding and this pregnancy will be very successful. Please send positive thoughts our way if you can.