This past Saturday, November 19th, was Holden's 2 year angelversary and Maya's baby shower. I was a little nervous about what my reaction would be on that day and how I would handle it. At first when I woke up that morning, it didn't seem like it would be too difficult. I laid in bed browsing the internet on my phone, but soon became a sobbing mess. Andrew's birthday is a few days before on the 15th and I had hung a happy birthday banner in the bedroom that day. I had been too lazy to take it back down and as I was laying in bed, I saw it. I thought to myself how fitting that I didn't take it down because it could be used for Holden's birthday too. That set off the tears. All I could think was how unfair it was that 2 years ago, my little boy died. My Holden.
After crying on and off for a couple hours that morning and laying around, we got ready to go to the shower. It was hard trying to put on my happy face when I was so sad. All I wanted to do was stay at home and just feel my grief. I still can't believe that it hit so hard after 2 years. I was so excited that we were getting a shower for Maya, but it was hard to be happy on THAT day. Then, of course, all I could think was what a horrible memory this would be to relive if she dies. It's so conflicting wanting to be happy for this pregnancy, being fearful of something terrible happening, and feeling depressed that I never got these experiences with my little boys. I miss them and wish they could be here but I know that no world exists where they could all be my living children.
It ended up being a small shower, about 17 people, mostly family, which was a good thing. Neither Andrew or I like being the center of attention, and since it was an emotionally challenging day, it was nice that it was small. We got several nice little gifts and I ended up having a fun time. I ate way too much cake and suffered for it later.
I am so thankful that we've made it to 33 weeks and were able to have a family gathering to celebrate our little girl, something we never got with Holden and Parker. I just hope we have a little girl to bring home, to dress in all these cute outfits and wrap up in our arms. I'm so ready for her to be here.
Celebrating 33 weeks with you and remembering Holden and Parker always. I can imagine how difficult your shower day must have been. What a mix of emotions. I am glad that you had a nice time and that you were surrounded by family. I am hoping and praying for you and sweet Maya.
ReplyDeleteI had such a difficult time at my shower too - It's so hard when you are feeling sad and happy at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI think about you so often, and I am glad to see that you and baby Maya are doing well. 33 weeks! That's wonderful!