32 Days of Lovenox

I am 11 weeks and 1 day today and last night I did my 32nd shot of Lovenox. Officially over a month of shots done! Still ~244 shots to go. They have been relatively easy to do even though I go through periods where I take longer to do a shot. It's not that I'm afraid it will hurt, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but in my mind I'm thinking "I don't want to do this anymore." I know that I will and that I have to, but some days it's hard. I guess I get that way about my vitamins too. I get sick of taking them. I know that ultimately I'm doing it for a great cause but I just wish I knew for sure that it would be worth it. That in the end I will have this living baby to hold in my arms and take home with me.

I'm really not trying to complain but lately I've been thinking a lot about losing this baby. I've been 4 days spotting free after 15 or 16 days of it in a row, which was really stressful. Now, I'm freaking about about not spotting and what it means. Logically, no spotting would be a good thing, but I can't help but think that maybe it means something is wrong. Crazy, I know.

I don't necessarily have a reason to think that I'll lose this baby, but given my past, I kind of do. You know? I feel so detached from this pregnancy. Much more than I did during my second pregnancy. With Parker, I just had one loss under my belt, thinking we had a reason why and a solution. At first I was scared to get excited, but after awhile it came and I was filled with hope and optimism. I just don't feel that now. I have the briefest moments of happiness but the rest of the time I'm in a constant state of fear. I can't help about thinking of the ways I could lose the baby, when it could happen, everything I would need to do to prepare, and about all the things I'd do differently this time. We still don't know definitively why I lost Holden and Parker. We just have potential causes and contributors to treat and hope that these interventions will help.

I think about losing the baby far more than I think of a future with a baby. I hate that I think that way. It's just so hard to imagine that I could bring this baby home. It used to be much easier to picture my life with children but now...I don't even know where to begin. I can't even imagine myself making it out of the second trimester. The further along I get the more the depression creeps in, in preparation for a loss. I think it's a protection mechanism but I know that it will do me no good if the day comes that I lose this baby too. As detached as I feel, I still love this baby so much and would be devastated beyond belief to lose him/her.

I really do try to think of the positive. When I start feeling negative I take a moment to just breathe, put my hand on my lower abdomen, and think positive thoughts and hope my baby can feel the positive energy and love. I definitely believe in the power of positive emotions I want my baby to know that, not just my constant stress and negativity. I look online at baby stuff now and then and on the birth boards. I think those are positive signs that hope is finding it's way back into my heart. Please let this baby make it.

I have an appointment tomorrow. We are supposed to listen for the hb on a doppler. I've been trying with my at home one but no luck yet. I don't think I was able to find it with Parker until mid to late 11 weeks so I'm trying not to let myself stress too much about it. The OB found it at early 11 weeks both times (I think). I hope she finds it tomorrow and that later this week I can start listening in. I'm not even sure why it gives me reassurance. Holden and Parker both had strong heart beats after my water broke so for me it hasn't ever been much of an indication that everything's ok. I guess I just know all the other ways things can go wrong so it gives me some comfort. Wish me luck at the appointment tomorrow!