Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. I dared to hope and dream I would but I've never been able to imagine it. Now that I've reached this milestone, the most pregnant I've ever been, I'm faced with many conflicting emotions. I thought I'd feel more relief. In some ways I do. Things are going much better at this point than they ever did in either pregnancy before. That doesn't many I still can't lose this baby. Fear has a strong hold on me. Now I find myself thinking how cruel it would be to become more attached and in love with this baby growing inside of me only to be devastated by more loss. I just can't go through that again. Hear that, little one? You stay put until it's time for you to come out.
I'm so happy to have made it through my loss milestones and that things are looking good. I'm really trying to be positive. Andrew and I celebrated making it to 15 weeks today. We had Indian food for lunch (I had been craving it!) and then went to Barnes & Noble to buy our first baby things, a few baby books. I really hope I get to read them to my living child one day!
We haven't ever had a day to just celebrate the baby so it was a very special day. I'm so thankful to have made it this far and hope I get to make it another 15 weeks and then some!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
178
My appointment on Tuesday went well. The whole drive over I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility of her not finding the heartbeat. I kept thinking she wouldn't find the heartbeat so we'd have to go get an ultrasound and the baby would be dead. Then I'd feel really sad and tell myself she HAS to find it. It took a while of searching and finally she said she was giving me the deep treatment. After pressing down harder she was finally able to pick it up. She'd get it and then it would be gone. She'd find it again and then it would disappear. She finally got a reading of 178bpm. I was just so happy to hear that sweet sound.
The OB said that things are looking good so far. She said she wishes we could be like a normal couple, where she could tell us that since there's a strong heartbeat so close to the second trimester that we're getting our of the danger zone, but that wouldn't give us much comfort. We have the appointment with the Perinatologist next Tuesday where we'll be doing the NT scan and cervical length check and we'll know more about what's next then. For now we'll just schedule an appointment for four weeks. Also, I should continue my modified bed rest. Basically, when I'm home, rest as much as possible.
That was my fifth day of no spotting in a row. Then on day six, after a strained bowl movement (thank you constipation), I had some more spotting. It was not like the spotting I've had before, that was more pink/red streaked mucous. This time it was a bright red spot of only blood and took a few wipes to clear away. It really had me freaked out! I told myself that it's still just spotting, nothing heavy, so I shouldn't worry unless it got heavier or continued. Luckily I haven't had any for the last two days. Please, bleeding, stay away! I don't need you stressing me out. I have enough stress already, thank you.
We're moving into our new place on Sunday. We're getting lots of help so I don't have to lift a finger. I'm so thankful to have so many family members and friends that are willing to help. Andrew and I have been pretty stressed trying to get things done with me only being able to minimally help. I can tell he gets annoyed and a little frustrated that I'm not doing more but I know he knows why I can't. I feel bad because I wish I could do more. I've probably been pushing myself more than I should. I can't wait until we are moved in and hopefully that will reduce some of this stress. We just have way too many things going on right now.
I'm getting more and more scared the further along I am. I'll be 12 weeks on Sunday when we move. That's less than two weeks from when we lost Parker (13w5d) and three from when we lost Holden (14w5d). I told Andrew that it would be amazing if we could make it to our next OB appointment which would put me at 15+ weeks. At the same time, we've never made it that far and I'm terrified of even scheduling it because I can't imagine that I'll still be pregnant then. Part of me thinks it's pointless to schedule it and the other part is just wishing so hard that I can make it. Of course I'll make the appointment, but I'm sure I'll be thinking how much it's going to suck to cancel in a few weeks. Gosh, I wish this pessimism would go away!
Tried to find the heartbeat on my home doppler this morning to help ease my fears, but couldn't. I had to tell myself that the OB had a tough time just three days ago and I'm still only 11 weeks 5 days so it's still kind of early. I'm sure my doppler isn't the best either I wish I had noted when I found it with Parker. I was thinking it was late 11 weeks or early 12. I'll try again when we get moved and hope I can find it. I'd like some reassurance before I go to the ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby is still ok. For now I'm just trying to have hope that he or she is still growing strong in there and that everything will be fine. Keep growing little one!
The OB said that things are looking good so far. She said she wishes we could be like a normal couple, where she could tell us that since there's a strong heartbeat so close to the second trimester that we're getting our of the danger zone, but that wouldn't give us much comfort. We have the appointment with the Perinatologist next Tuesday where we'll be doing the NT scan and cervical length check and we'll know more about what's next then. For now we'll just schedule an appointment for four weeks. Also, I should continue my modified bed rest. Basically, when I'm home, rest as much as possible.
That was my fifth day of no spotting in a row. Then on day six, after a strained bowl movement (thank you constipation), I had some more spotting. It was not like the spotting I've had before, that was more pink/red streaked mucous. This time it was a bright red spot of only blood and took a few wipes to clear away. It really had me freaked out! I told myself that it's still just spotting, nothing heavy, so I shouldn't worry unless it got heavier or continued. Luckily I haven't had any for the last two days. Please, bleeding, stay away! I don't need you stressing me out. I have enough stress already, thank you.
We're moving into our new place on Sunday. We're getting lots of help so I don't have to lift a finger. I'm so thankful to have so many family members and friends that are willing to help. Andrew and I have been pretty stressed trying to get things done with me only being able to minimally help. I can tell he gets annoyed and a little frustrated that I'm not doing more but I know he knows why I can't. I feel bad because I wish I could do more. I've probably been pushing myself more than I should. I can't wait until we are moved in and hopefully that will reduce some of this stress. We just have way too many things going on right now.
I'm getting more and more scared the further along I am. I'll be 12 weeks on Sunday when we move. That's less than two weeks from when we lost Parker (13w5d) and three from when we lost Holden (14w5d). I told Andrew that it would be amazing if we could make it to our next OB appointment which would put me at 15+ weeks. At the same time, we've never made it that far and I'm terrified of even scheduling it because I can't imagine that I'll still be pregnant then. Part of me thinks it's pointless to schedule it and the other part is just wishing so hard that I can make it. Of course I'll make the appointment, but I'm sure I'll be thinking how much it's going to suck to cancel in a few weeks. Gosh, I wish this pessimism would go away!
Tried to find the heartbeat on my home doppler this morning to help ease my fears, but couldn't. I had to tell myself that the OB had a tough time just three days ago and I'm still only 11 weeks 5 days so it's still kind of early. I'm sure my doppler isn't the best either I wish I had noted when I found it with Parker. I was thinking it was late 11 weeks or early 12. I'll try again when we get moved and hope I can find it. I'd like some reassurance before I go to the ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby is still ok. For now I'm just trying to have hope that he or she is still growing strong in there and that everything will be fine. Keep growing little one!
Monday, June 20, 2011
32 Days of Lovenox
I am 11 weeks and 1 day today and last night I did my 32nd shot of Lovenox. Officially over a month of shots done! Still ~244 shots to go. They have been relatively easy to do even though I go through periods where I take longer to do a shot. It's not that I'm afraid it will hurt, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but in my mind I'm thinking "I don't want to do this anymore." I know that I will and that I have to, but some days it's hard. I guess I get that way about my vitamins too. I get sick of taking them. I know that ultimately I'm doing it for a great cause but I just wish I knew for sure that it would be worth it. That in the end I will have this living baby to hold in my arms and take home with me.
I'm really not trying to complain but lately I've been thinking a lot about losing this baby. I've been 4 days spotting free after 15 or 16 days of it in a row, which was really stressful. Now, I'm freaking about about not spotting and what it means. Logically, no spotting would be a good thing, but I can't help but think that maybe it means something is wrong. Crazy, I know.
I don't necessarily have a reason to think that I'll lose this baby, but given my past, I kind of do. You know? I feel so detached from this pregnancy. Much more than I did during my second pregnancy. With Parker, I just had one loss under my belt, thinking we had a reason why and a solution. At first I was scared to get excited, but after awhile it came and I was filled with hope and optimism. I just don't feel that now. I have the briefest moments of happiness but the rest of the time I'm in a constant state of fear. I can't help about thinking of the ways I could lose the baby, when it could happen, everything I would need to do to prepare, and about all the things I'd do differently this time. We still don't know definitively why I lost Holden and Parker. We just have potential causes and contributors to treat and hope that these interventions will help.
I think about losing the baby far more than I think of a future with a baby. I hate that I think that way. It's just so hard to imagine that I could bring this baby home. It used to be much easier to picture my life with children but now...I don't even know where to begin. I can't even imagine myself making it out of the second trimester. The further along I get the more the depression creeps in, in preparation for a loss. I think it's a protection mechanism but I know that it will do me no good if the day comes that I lose this baby too. As detached as I feel, I still love this baby so much and would be devastated beyond belief to lose him/her.
I really do try to think of the positive. When I start feeling negative I take a moment to just breathe, put my hand on my lower abdomen, and think positive thoughts and hope my baby can feel the positive energy and love. I definitely believe in the power of positive emotions I want my baby to know that, not just my constant stress and negativity. I look online at baby stuff now and then and on the birth boards. I think those are positive signs that hope is finding it's way back into my heart. Please let this baby make it.
I have an appointment tomorrow. We are supposed to listen for the hb on a doppler. I've been trying with my at home one but no luck yet. I don't think I was able to find it with Parker until mid to late 11 weeks so I'm trying not to let myself stress too much about it. The OB found it at early 11 weeks both times (I think). I hope she finds it tomorrow and that later this week I can start listening in. I'm not even sure why it gives me reassurance. Holden and Parker both had strong heart beats after my water broke so for me it hasn't ever been much of an indication that everything's ok. I guess I just know all the other ways things can go wrong so it gives me some comfort. Wish me luck at the appointment tomorrow!
I'm really not trying to complain but lately I've been thinking a lot about losing this baby. I've been 4 days spotting free after 15 or 16 days of it in a row, which was really stressful. Now, I'm freaking about about not spotting and what it means. Logically, no spotting would be a good thing, but I can't help but think that maybe it means something is wrong. Crazy, I know.
I don't necessarily have a reason to think that I'll lose this baby, but given my past, I kind of do. You know? I feel so detached from this pregnancy. Much more than I did during my second pregnancy. With Parker, I just had one loss under my belt, thinking we had a reason why and a solution. At first I was scared to get excited, but after awhile it came and I was filled with hope and optimism. I just don't feel that now. I have the briefest moments of happiness but the rest of the time I'm in a constant state of fear. I can't help about thinking of the ways I could lose the baby, when it could happen, everything I would need to do to prepare, and about all the things I'd do differently this time. We still don't know definitively why I lost Holden and Parker. We just have potential causes and contributors to treat and hope that these interventions will help.
I think about losing the baby far more than I think of a future with a baby. I hate that I think that way. It's just so hard to imagine that I could bring this baby home. It used to be much easier to picture my life with children but now...I don't even know where to begin. I can't even imagine myself making it out of the second trimester. The further along I get the more the depression creeps in, in preparation for a loss. I think it's a protection mechanism but I know that it will do me no good if the day comes that I lose this baby too. As detached as I feel, I still love this baby so much and would be devastated beyond belief to lose him/her.
I really do try to think of the positive. When I start feeling negative I take a moment to just breathe, put my hand on my lower abdomen, and think positive thoughts and hope my baby can feel the positive energy and love. I definitely believe in the power of positive emotions I want my baby to know that, not just my constant stress and negativity. I look online at baby stuff now and then and on the birth boards. I think those are positive signs that hope is finding it's way back into my heart. Please let this baby make it.
I have an appointment tomorrow. We are supposed to listen for the hb on a doppler. I've been trying with my at home one but no luck yet. I don't think I was able to find it with Parker until mid to late 11 weeks so I'm trying not to let myself stress too much about it. The OB found it at early 11 weeks both times (I think). I hope she finds it tomorrow and that later this week I can start listening in. I'm not even sure why it gives me reassurance. Holden and Parker both had strong heart beats after my water broke so for me it hasn't ever been much of an indication that everything's ok. I guess I just know all the other ways things can go wrong so it gives me some comfort. Wish me luck at the appointment tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hesitation
I've been hesitant to post on here. I think it's all out of fear. I guess I should start with the news. I'm pregnant. Two days after my last post I took a test and it was positive. I find it funny that while I was posting about how I'm afraid I'll never be pregnant or have a child, that I was in fact pregnant. I'm 7 weeks and 3 days today.
I thought about posting right away, but I thought I would wait until I knew it would stick. I was so worried about another chemical pregnancy. I got a positive when I was about 3w5d and then took tests everyday for about 7 days to make sure they were getting darker, which they were. Thank goodness for those internet cheapies! Then I decided to wait to post the good news until our u/s at 6w2d. We were measuring pretty exact to my dates, within a day. Nice strong hb of 128. Since then I've just been too scared that if I post the news, then something bad will happen and I'll have to write another post about how I lost the baby. Stupid, huh?
The day after the u/s, I had my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual blood draws and swabs and she added a couple for infection as well, per the perinatologists suggestions for this pregnancy. Found out I have a small SCH again, like last pregnancy, but it's so small they couldn't measure it. Of course it has me worried. I started my Lovenox injections that day as well. That was what I was most terrified about in a subsequent pregnancy (other than losing the baby). It took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to do my first shot, not helped by Andrew saying "I thought you said the needle was just going under the skin....that looks long," but since then, I've been able to do them more easily. I'm pretty proud of myself! I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to stab myself in the stomach with a needle everyday. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant! The needle stab itself really doesn't hurt...most of the time, but the medicine burns like crazy! Icing the injection site before and after, and slow injection has really helped. I think I'm starting to get into a groove and finding out what works the best for me. 7 shots down, only 270 more to go!
I got a call a few days after my appointment saying that all my tests looked fine, but they did find Group B Strep in my urine. Normally they don't worry about this until labor, at which point they give you IV antibiotics, but since they found it so early, they decided to go ahead and have me take a 10 day course of oral antibiotics. For the most part, Google confirmed what the doctor had told me, but I decided to see if it's associated with miscarriage and found a few articles/studies done that believe it could be associated with recurring miscarriage and second trimester losses. Also, if they find it in your urine then your vagina is heavily colonized. Great. Another thing to worry about.
Sunday afternoon, at 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom and had a gush of blood. Hasn't this happened before during my previous two pregnancies? Andrew and I called urgent care and they had an OB in the office, the same one we saw during our first pregnancy that told us I was effacing. He did an exam and said the cervix was closed and felt fine. We got scheduled for an u/s at the hospital. They found the hb right away, a little stronger than last time at 141, and he/she had grown since the last u/s, so that was good. It was relieving to see that there was still a baby in there, but the bleeding has completely taken away all of our optimism. We were trying so hard to be positive this time because I'm on Metformin and Lovenox and the OB is consulting with a Perinatologist. This dragged us right back down to an uncomfortable level of fear and panic.
It would be dumb to expect a different outcome given the same series of events occurs in each one of my pregnancies. No matter what outward influence we exert on my body, it doesn't seem to have an affect. We want more than anything for this baby to live, to hold him/her in our arms in January, but we just can't visualize it. As much as we are hoping for the best, we are expecting the worst. Andrew and I had a nice long talk and decided if we make it into the second trimester again, or further, and lose another baby, we will probably stop trying. The idea of experiencing that level of pain even one more time is too much. In some ways, our losses have brought us so much closer together, but they have also put a huge strain on our relationship.
I hate that this is even a topic of conversation when I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I wish we could just have a normal pregnancy and know that we will take this baby home, but we have to prepare for "ifs." I hope so much that I won't have any more bleeding and this pregnancy will be very successful. Please send positive thoughts our way if you can.
I thought about posting right away, but I thought I would wait until I knew it would stick. I was so worried about another chemical pregnancy. I got a positive when I was about 3w5d and then took tests everyday for about 7 days to make sure they were getting darker, which they were. Thank goodness for those internet cheapies! Then I decided to wait to post the good news until our u/s at 6w2d. We were measuring pretty exact to my dates, within a day. Nice strong hb of 128. Since then I've just been too scared that if I post the news, then something bad will happen and I'll have to write another post about how I lost the baby. Stupid, huh?
The day after the u/s, I had my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual blood draws and swabs and she added a couple for infection as well, per the perinatologists suggestions for this pregnancy. Found out I have a small SCH again, like last pregnancy, but it's so small they couldn't measure it. Of course it has me worried. I started my Lovenox injections that day as well. That was what I was most terrified about in a subsequent pregnancy (other than losing the baby). It took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to do my first shot, not helped by Andrew saying "I thought you said the needle was just going under the skin....that looks long," but since then, I've been able to do them more easily. I'm pretty proud of myself! I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to stab myself in the stomach with a needle everyday. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant! The needle stab itself really doesn't hurt...most of the time, but the medicine burns like crazy! Icing the injection site before and after, and slow injection has really helped. I think I'm starting to get into a groove and finding out what works the best for me. 7 shots down, only 270 more to go!
I got a call a few days after my appointment saying that all my tests looked fine, but they did find Group B Strep in my urine. Normally they don't worry about this until labor, at which point they give you IV antibiotics, but since they found it so early, they decided to go ahead and have me take a 10 day course of oral antibiotics. For the most part, Google confirmed what the doctor had told me, but I decided to see if it's associated with miscarriage and found a few articles/studies done that believe it could be associated with recurring miscarriage and second trimester losses. Also, if they find it in your urine then your vagina is heavily colonized. Great. Another thing to worry about.
Sunday afternoon, at 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom and had a gush of blood. Hasn't this happened before during my previous two pregnancies? Andrew and I called urgent care and they had an OB in the office, the same one we saw during our first pregnancy that told us I was effacing. He did an exam and said the cervix was closed and felt fine. We got scheduled for an u/s at the hospital. They found the hb right away, a little stronger than last time at 141, and he/she had grown since the last u/s, so that was good. It was relieving to see that there was still a baby in there, but the bleeding has completely taken away all of our optimism. We were trying so hard to be positive this time because I'm on Metformin and Lovenox and the OB is consulting with a Perinatologist. This dragged us right back down to an uncomfortable level of fear and panic.
It would be dumb to expect a different outcome given the same series of events occurs in each one of my pregnancies. No matter what outward influence we exert on my body, it doesn't seem to have an affect. We want more than anything for this baby to live, to hold him/her in our arms in January, but we just can't visualize it. As much as we are hoping for the best, we are expecting the worst. Andrew and I had a nice long talk and decided if we make it into the second trimester again, or further, and lose another baby, we will probably stop trying. The idea of experiencing that level of pain even one more time is too much. In some ways, our losses have brought us so much closer together, but they have also put a huge strain on our relationship.
I hate that this is even a topic of conversation when I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I wish we could just have a normal pregnancy and know that we will take this baby home, but we have to prepare for "ifs." I hope so much that I won't have any more bleeding and this pregnancy will be very successful. Please send positive thoughts our way if you can.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Losing Hope
Sunday, April 24th, was Parker's one year anniversary. I spent over an hour making a birthday cake from scratch while Andrew grilled up some steaks. I wanted to make it a celebratory evening. The cake turned out great but the frosting was a little....weird tasting. Next time I will use real butter! I didn't cry all day, which kind of surprised me. Honestly, I was in a pretty good mood. Just remembering Parker made me happy. I had my sad moments though, especially when I was making the cake. If my sons were alive I'd be spending time to make them cakes, so should it really be different because they're not here? Anyway, doing something helps me feel productive, like a real mother.
Now that a couple of days have gone and the reality of passing another one year mark has hit me, I am left feeling pretty hopeless. Why am I still not pregnant? While we are still TTC, I've pretty much given up all hope that this is ever going to happen for us. Andrew even made a comment that he's surprised we're not pregnant already. That surprised me because he hasn't exactly been enthusiastic about all the timed BDing over the last 10 months.
The idea that AF could show up in just a couple of days and start the beginning of month 11 is depressing. What is wrong with me? I'm starting to feel like my body is severely off-balance. It just doesn't make sense that I would get pregnant twice on the first try but not get pregnant after 10 months of trying this time around. I haven't been blogging and I've taken a break from Babycenter for the last month. I just needed some time to myself and a break from focusing so much on TTC. I quit most of my supplements (extra folic acid, B12, baby aspirin, occasional B6 and fish oil). I'm just on prenatals and Metformin. I was only on prenatals when I got pregnant the first two times so the conditions must have been right. I wonder if the supplements were throwing my body out of whack?
I had a two and a half week lapse in Metformin this cycle thanks to my stupid fucking insurance. Three days before I needed to refill my prescription I got a letter saying I had reached my limit in picking up 30 day refills for a long term prescription. I would have to pay full price or mail order 90 day refills. I don't ever remember reading this in our insurance info! Not a huge deal except that it could take a week to process and another 7-10 days to ship! I tried refilling my script anyway while I waited for the pills to come in the mail but the insurance delayed it by a week, at which point I figured it wasn't worth it to pay $20 for 20 days' worth of pills when I was going to get them in the mail in a week. Part of me wondered if I shouldn't just take a break from the Metformin too. I decided that after all the GI tract issues it caused working up to the full dose that the sooner I got back on, while something might still be in my system, the less painful it was going to be. Also, what if I do have PCOS? What if that has been one of the leading causes for my losses and I was just lucky to get pregnant before? I can't take that risk right now. However, if I'm not pregnant by the time the 90 days runs up, I'm going to stop taking Metformin.
At that point I'll be seeking answers about infertility anyway. I meet with my doctor May 18th for my annual exam, at which point I can talk to her about the upcoming one year mark and pursuing answers to my infertility. I just can't explain to you how much it sucks to not only have multiple losses, but to now be suffering from infertility! I can't believe that if Holden had lived and made it to his due date, he would be turning one in May. In June it will be one year from when we started trying for our third child. That in August it will be two years from the first time I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 when I found out I was expecting Holden, 24 when I found out I was expecting Parker, but I'll be lucky to be 26 before I give birth to a baby, if I ever do.
I just don't have it in me to be optimistic anymore. My hope is quickly fading and I'm starting to realize that the possibility I may never have biological children is a likely scenario. Why does this have to be so hard?
Now that a couple of days have gone and the reality of passing another one year mark has hit me, I am left feeling pretty hopeless. Why am I still not pregnant? While we are still TTC, I've pretty much given up all hope that this is ever going to happen for us. Andrew even made a comment that he's surprised we're not pregnant already. That surprised me because he hasn't exactly been enthusiastic about all the timed BDing over the last 10 months.
The idea that AF could show up in just a couple of days and start the beginning of month 11 is depressing. What is wrong with me? I'm starting to feel like my body is severely off-balance. It just doesn't make sense that I would get pregnant twice on the first try but not get pregnant after 10 months of trying this time around. I haven't been blogging and I've taken a break from Babycenter for the last month. I just needed some time to myself and a break from focusing so much on TTC. I quit most of my supplements (extra folic acid, B12, baby aspirin, occasional B6 and fish oil). I'm just on prenatals and Metformin. I was only on prenatals when I got pregnant the first two times so the conditions must have been right. I wonder if the supplements were throwing my body out of whack?
I had a two and a half week lapse in Metformin this cycle thanks to my stupid fucking insurance. Three days before I needed to refill my prescription I got a letter saying I had reached my limit in picking up 30 day refills for a long term prescription. I would have to pay full price or mail order 90 day refills. I don't ever remember reading this in our insurance info! Not a huge deal except that it could take a week to process and another 7-10 days to ship! I tried refilling my script anyway while I waited for the pills to come in the mail but the insurance delayed it by a week, at which point I figured it wasn't worth it to pay $20 for 20 days' worth of pills when I was going to get them in the mail in a week. Part of me wondered if I shouldn't just take a break from the Metformin too. I decided that after all the GI tract issues it caused working up to the full dose that the sooner I got back on, while something might still be in my system, the less painful it was going to be. Also, what if I do have PCOS? What if that has been one of the leading causes for my losses and I was just lucky to get pregnant before? I can't take that risk right now. However, if I'm not pregnant by the time the 90 days runs up, I'm going to stop taking Metformin.
At that point I'll be seeking answers about infertility anyway. I meet with my doctor May 18th for my annual exam, at which point I can talk to her about the upcoming one year mark and pursuing answers to my infertility. I just can't explain to you how much it sucks to not only have multiple losses, but to now be suffering from infertility! I can't believe that if Holden had lived and made it to his due date, he would be turning one in May. In June it will be one year from when we started trying for our third child. That in August it will be two years from the first time I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 when I found out I was expecting Holden, 24 when I found out I was expecting Parker, but I'll be lucky to be 26 before I give birth to a baby, if I ever do.
I just don't have it in me to be optimistic anymore. My hope is quickly fading and I'm starting to realize that the possibility I may never have biological children is a likely scenario. Why does this have to be so hard?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Feeling Depressed
I’ve been very emotional lately. Mostly the sad kind. I’m in a bad place right now with TTC. I just keep going round and round and I’m getting so sick of this continuous loop that keeps ending in disappointment. The only thing to dig me out of this place is to get pregnant and not have to TTC anymore. I know another pregnancy will come with its own set of issues, but I’m ready to not have to take my temperature every day, to not have to pee on sticks to find out if I’m ovulating or if this was our month, to stop having timed sex, to quit planning my life around the possibility of being pregnant, and to not be crushed each month when my period shows up.
A lot hit me last week. Next month, on April 24th, will be Parker’s one year anniversary. Then we have May right after that, which will be one year from Holden’s due date. It’s hard that I’ve had to go through Holden’s one year anniversary, soon Parker’s, and then the point at which my first little boy should be turning a year old. On top of that, this is my last opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby in 2011. If not, it’ will be on to 2012. It’s amazing the weight that dates hold. It’s depressing.
I’ve been crying a lot more this month. All of these dates coming up and the potential for AF to show up next weekend are weighing me down. I don’t have a lot of support in my life. I’m so thankful for my online support because I don’t know how I would deal with all of this on my own. I have no one else to talk to. When I talk to my mom she tells me that I’m thinking too much about it and stressing myself out. If I quit worrying, then it will happen. How does she know the magic secret?! That’s all I have to do. Of course! *Sigh*I don’t talk to her about it much anymore. It’s not like I’m in a constant state of stress. Sometimes I just need to vent about it and have some reassurance that it’s going to happen for me…one day.
Thankfully, I have a real life support group now- Face2Face. We’ve had two meetings so far. It’s amazing how it wasn’t weird or awkward when I met these people, not the way it is when you meet a stranger for the first time. There was an instant connection, an understanding, when we met. We are bonded by the tragedy of our lives. I’m so thankful to have met them, to look into the eyes of someone who understands, and get a true, caring response back. Someone who can say “I know” and mean it.
In other news, I got a call at the beginning of this week about a blood test last week. Last May and June, after I lost Parker, I had a lot of blood tests done. One of them, the ANA, came back borderline positive, which would be indicative of an autoimmune disorder. They wanted to retest 6 months later. Well, 8-9 months later I got a notice in the mail to come in to have the test done again. It was negative this time! Phew. Part of me was hoping that maybe I had a thyroid issue or something where I could just take medication and *bam* everything would fix itself and I’d get pregnant. Like I don’t have enough wrong with me already. I am really relieved though. I’m glad that I don’t have one more thing to worry about preventing me from getting pregnant or from being an issue during pregnancy.
I ovulated on CD20 this cycle. I had none of the random bleeding between CD12-15 that I’ve had the last four months. Thank you! The Metformin must be doing something right. 5DPO today. Not feeling pregnant. I hope that I get symptoms soon. I hope that I’m pregnant. I’m trying to be optimistic since this cycle has been so normal, but I’m already planning my pity party. It will consist of swollen eyes, sad movies, loads of ice cream, and preferably lots of booze. Real healthy, huh? I’ll be testing next Saturday so wish me luck! C’mon spring, bring the miracle of new life my way!
A lot hit me last week. Next month, on April 24th, will be Parker’s one year anniversary. Then we have May right after that, which will be one year from Holden’s due date. It’s hard that I’ve had to go through Holden’s one year anniversary, soon Parker’s, and then the point at which my first little boy should be turning a year old. On top of that, this is my last opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby in 2011. If not, it’ will be on to 2012. It’s amazing the weight that dates hold. It’s depressing.
I’ve been crying a lot more this month. All of these dates coming up and the potential for AF to show up next weekend are weighing me down. I don’t have a lot of support in my life. I’m so thankful for my online support because I don’t know how I would deal with all of this on my own. I have no one else to talk to. When I talk to my mom she tells me that I’m thinking too much about it and stressing myself out. If I quit worrying, then it will happen. How does she know the magic secret?! That’s all I have to do. Of course! *Sigh*I don’t talk to her about it much anymore. It’s not like I’m in a constant state of stress. Sometimes I just need to vent about it and have some reassurance that it’s going to happen for me…one day.
Thankfully, I have a real life support group now- Face2Face. We’ve had two meetings so far. It’s amazing how it wasn’t weird or awkward when I met these people, not the way it is when you meet a stranger for the first time. There was an instant connection, an understanding, when we met. We are bonded by the tragedy of our lives. I’m so thankful to have met them, to look into the eyes of someone who understands, and get a true, caring response back. Someone who can say “I know” and mean it.
In other news, I got a call at the beginning of this week about a blood test last week. Last May and June, after I lost Parker, I had a lot of blood tests done. One of them, the ANA, came back borderline positive, which would be indicative of an autoimmune disorder. They wanted to retest 6 months later. Well, 8-9 months later I got a notice in the mail to come in to have the test done again. It was negative this time! Phew. Part of me was hoping that maybe I had a thyroid issue or something where I could just take medication and *bam* everything would fix itself and I’d get pregnant. Like I don’t have enough wrong with me already. I am really relieved though. I’m glad that I don’t have one more thing to worry about preventing me from getting pregnant or from being an issue during pregnancy.
I ovulated on CD20 this cycle. I had none of the random bleeding between CD12-15 that I’ve had the last four months. Thank you! The Metformin must be doing something right. 5DPO today. Not feeling pregnant. I hope that I get symptoms soon. I hope that I’m pregnant. I’m trying to be optimistic since this cycle has been so normal, but I’m already planning my pity party. It will consist of swollen eyes, sad movies, loads of ice cream, and preferably lots of booze. Real healthy, huh? I’ll be testing next Saturday so wish me luck! C’mon spring, bring the miracle of new life my way!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
On to month 9...
Well, AF showed up last week. CD6 today. I'm pretty disappointed but glad my temperatures looked normal for the first time in months. I really hope that is a good sign for this cycle! Maybe things are finally getting regulated again. I didn't get any tricky symptoms in the 2WW either, like the tender nipples, nausea, and cravings, (among other symptoms) that I have been getting the last few months. I wasn't pregnant so I didn't have any symptoms. That has to be good too, right?
I calculated my due date if I ovulate late like I normally do. If I O on CD23 or CD24, I'll be due on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! I probably wouldn't deliver on those days anyway because for one, most women don't deliver on their due date, and two, I may have to be induced because of the clotting disorders and blood thinners I'll be on. Still, that's some pretty neat timing right there. What a great present that would be! That's right before my birthday too (New Year's Eve). I told Andrew, if that happens, he won't have to buy me anything because I'll have everything I want!
I’m going to try to relax, have a few drinks, and have fun this cycle. I really want to go into this month with a positive attitude. Gotta think positive! I’ll still be temping, of course, but maybe I can find some ways to spice up the BDing so it doesn’t feel so timed and mechanical. The nice weather we've been having lately has put me in a good mood so I hope it keeps up. I could use some positive energy. I hope March is my lucky month!
I calculated my due date if I ovulate late like I normally do. If I O on CD23 or CD24, I'll be due on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! I probably wouldn't deliver on those days anyway because for one, most women don't deliver on their due date, and two, I may have to be induced because of the clotting disorders and blood thinners I'll be on. Still, that's some pretty neat timing right there. What a great present that would be! That's right before my birthday too (New Year's Eve). I told Andrew, if that happens, he won't have to buy me anything because I'll have everything I want!
I’m going to try to relax, have a few drinks, and have fun this cycle. I really want to go into this month with a positive attitude. Gotta think positive! I’ll still be temping, of course, but maybe I can find some ways to spice up the BDing so it doesn’t feel so timed and mechanical. The nice weather we've been having lately has put me in a good mood so I hope it keeps up. I could use some positive energy. I hope March is my lucky month!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Eight Freaking Months
I haven't felt like writing on here lately. I have been following along with fellow BLM blogs though. Even though I haven’t been commenting I think of you all often! I'm just getting so discouraged. I started this as a baby loss blog to write down all my feelings about loss and memories that I didn't want to forget about dear Holden. Then it became a TTC blog with the hope that I would get pregnant again soon, which I did, and it became a pregnancy blog. Then a baby loss blog again when I lost my darling Parker. Then there was the second time around as a TTC blog with a brief two day stint as a pregnancy blog for my chemical pregnancy. It has now been a TTC blog for the third time for the last 8 months! 8 freaking months. It's hard to wrap my head around this incredibly long journey I'm on. When will it ever be at an end?
At the end of last June, when we started TTC again, I never would have guessed I'd still be trying to get pregnant in February of the next year. My thought was that I'd be 6-7 months pregnant at this point. I thought that my luck in easily getting pregnant would carry over and it wouldn't take more than a couple of months of trying. I'm ready for this to be a pregnancy blog again but the more months that go by, the less I can even imagine myself being pregnant again. The idea of having living children in my future seems so distant. I’m so happy for the BLM’s that are carrying their rainbows or those that have already given birth to them. It gives me such hope. It also makes me so sad because I want to join you more than anything and I don’t know if that will ever happen. It seems like everyone is passing me by.
Sorry to be such a downer! I’ve been trying to be positive lately but it’s hard to stay positive when every month I’m disappointed that AF has showed up once again, leading to another month of TTC. Another month of trying to make timed sex fun, of hiding where I’m at in my cycle from Andrew so he doesn’t feel pressured (even though I still do!), and another month of not knowing if all that work is going to pay off! The Metformin does seem to be doing something though. This is the first month in 3 months that my temps are doing what they're supposed to. That's got to be a good sign. I still ended up with the mid-cycle spotting this cycle but that was only 20 days after I started the Metformin and I had just made it up to the full dose. My doctor said it's not really effective until you get to the full dose (and even then it can take 2-4 weeks), so even if this month doesn't work, I have a good feeling that next month will be the one, though I'd rather not move into month 9 of TTC.
I’m in my 2WW wait now but I don’t think I’m pregnant. Fertility Friend thinks I’m 8DPO but I’m pretty sure I’m only 6DPO. Unfortunately, I have zero symptoms and I’ve had symptoms by now with my previous pregnancies. Maybe increased appetite, but who wouldn’t have one when there are 5 boxes of yummy Girl Scout cookies on your kitchen table?! Andrew is a sucker for those cute little faces. "They really know how to sell!" he tells me. Based on the last 7 months, I've decided that 2WW symptoms aren't that reliable anyway so I'm still in the game until AF shows her bitchy face. Andrew made a comment if we end up being pregnant he thinks our due date would be very close to his dad’s birthday at the beginning of November. Andrew and Holden have mid-November birthdays as well so it would be a really special birthday present for all of them! His sister gave birth to the first grandchild in the family on his mom’s birthday, so it would be nice if our first child could be born on his dad’s birthday. I doubt timing would be that perfect but it would be pretty neat! That would also require me being pregnant this month and I don’t think I am. I think I’m going to test on the 23rd or 24th because whether I’m right or FF is right, I should be able to get a positive by then if I’m pregnant. KYFX for me!
I’ll have to update soon about my classes. They are going well…for the most part. It’s crazy how busy I feel with just 2 classes. I’m also helping my friend get her in home day care running, where I’ll be working, and we’re so close! We might be starting next week. We’ve actually had so much interest that we may have more kids than spots! It’s great because I’ve heard a lot of stories about how difficult it can be to get kids in at first. Maybe working with children will help me be able to imagine having kids of my own again soon. I miss pregnancy/baby dreams. I miss just daydreaming in general about a future life with children and what that would look like. I’m really looking forward to it.
At the end of last June, when we started TTC again, I never would have guessed I'd still be trying to get pregnant in February of the next year. My thought was that I'd be 6-7 months pregnant at this point. I thought that my luck in easily getting pregnant would carry over and it wouldn't take more than a couple of months of trying. I'm ready for this to be a pregnancy blog again but the more months that go by, the less I can even imagine myself being pregnant again. The idea of having living children in my future seems so distant. I’m so happy for the BLM’s that are carrying their rainbows or those that have already given birth to them. It gives me such hope. It also makes me so sad because I want to join you more than anything and I don’t know if that will ever happen. It seems like everyone is passing me by.
Sorry to be such a downer! I’ve been trying to be positive lately but it’s hard to stay positive when every month I’m disappointed that AF has showed up once again, leading to another month of TTC. Another month of trying to make timed sex fun, of hiding where I’m at in my cycle from Andrew so he doesn’t feel pressured (even though I still do!), and another month of not knowing if all that work is going to pay off! The Metformin does seem to be doing something though. This is the first month in 3 months that my temps are doing what they're supposed to. That's got to be a good sign. I still ended up with the mid-cycle spotting this cycle but that was only 20 days after I started the Metformin and I had just made it up to the full dose. My doctor said it's not really effective until you get to the full dose (and even then it can take 2-4 weeks), so even if this month doesn't work, I have a good feeling that next month will be the one, though I'd rather not move into month 9 of TTC.
I’m in my 2WW wait now but I don’t think I’m pregnant. Fertility Friend thinks I’m 8DPO but I’m pretty sure I’m only 6DPO. Unfortunately, I have zero symptoms and I’ve had symptoms by now with my previous pregnancies. Maybe increased appetite, but who wouldn’t have one when there are 5 boxes of yummy Girl Scout cookies on your kitchen table?! Andrew is a sucker for those cute little faces. "They really know how to sell!" he tells me. Based on the last 7 months, I've decided that 2WW symptoms aren't that reliable anyway so I'm still in the game until AF shows her bitchy face. Andrew made a comment if we end up being pregnant he thinks our due date would be very close to his dad’s birthday at the beginning of November. Andrew and Holden have mid-November birthdays as well so it would be a really special birthday present for all of them! His sister gave birth to the first grandchild in the family on his mom’s birthday, so it would be nice if our first child could be born on his dad’s birthday. I doubt timing would be that perfect but it would be pretty neat! That would also require me being pregnant this month and I don’t think I am. I think I’m going to test on the 23rd or 24th because whether I’m right or FF is right, I should be able to get a positive by then if I’m pregnant. KYFX for me!
I’ll have to update soon about my classes. They are going well…for the most part. It’s crazy how busy I feel with just 2 classes. I’m also helping my friend get her in home day care running, where I’ll be working, and we’re so close! We might be starting next week. We’ve actually had so much interest that we may have more kids than spots! It’s great because I’ve heard a lot of stories about how difficult it can be to get kids in at first. Maybe working with children will help me be able to imagine having kids of my own again soon. I miss pregnancy/baby dreams. I miss just daydreaming in general about a future life with children and what that would look like. I’m really looking forward to it.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Another Diagnosis
I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Apparently unemployment has a way of greatly reducing my motivation and productivity. It has been nice to take a little break this past week and a half though. My stress level has decreased, which I'm happy about. No more going to a job I hate and getting stressed out! I’m still looking for another job though. Not much out there, unfortunately.
I had an appointment with my doctor this past Monday to talk about my mid-cycle bleeding. I had it again this cycle on CD11-12, after having it around CD14-15 the last two cycles. She wasn't worried about my spotting before AF. She said that it happens to a lot of women and that as we age our cycles change so that could be what is happening for me. I still feel like it is connected to the mid-cycle spotting since it all started at the same time, but oh well. She is concerned about the mid-cycle spotting/bleeding though. She believes it is hormonal since it seems to be happening around the same time every month. I was so worried it was cancer or an infection, but she said those things cause very irregular bleeding, nothing in a pattern, so that was a relief!
She asked other questions- if I had pain when the bleeding happens, pain during intercourse, abnormal hair growth, etc. I told her that I do have some cramping when I bleed, much like when I ovulate, no to the others, but that I had been breaking out pretty bad for the past few months, even on my chest which rarely happens. I've always had 30+ day cycles and sometimes have very longs cycles, like last month's 42 day cycle. She thinks I may have PCOS. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm but we are holding off on that until I get a job since our deductible reset and we can't afford it. She said since I already have several signs of it she would go ahead and prescribe Metformin. Even if I don't have PCOS, it will still help regulate my cycle and she said it's also given to women to help them get pregnant. She also told me to get on baby aspirin. She looked in the chart and remembered that my peri's opinion was to not take it until fetal heart tones are established in my next pregnancy, but every doctor has different views on the subject. At their practice they suggest women with only one clotting disorder to take it, and I have two!
This new potential diagnosis worries me. PCOS has caused lots of infertility issues with women, which is possibly the reason I'm not pregnant after trying for 6 cycles/7 months this time around. I haven't done much research yet but, based on my Google findings, women with PCOS have a higher miscarriage rate- conflicting reports give between 45% to as high as 64%. This is terrifying considering the increased miscarriage rates for those with MTHFR and FVL. I'm starting to feel like my pregnancies were doomed from the start. Maybe this is an additional reason why I lost my babies. If I do have it then I'm happy I'm getting treatment now before getting pregnant and having to endure another loss. Lucky for me, Metformin not only helps women to conceive by regulating their cycles and ovulation, but when taken during pregnancy also greatly reduces the miscarriage rates to the national average (down to 12% in one study). This corresponds with what my doctor said about keeping some women on it during pregnancy and information I've received from fellow online BLM's that stayed on it/will stay on it into their second trimesters.
I'm really hoping this new medication and reduced stress helps me get pregnant. The idea of moving into my 8th month and 7th cycle of TTC is really depressing. I hope that I don't get AF next Friday and instead get my BFP. I'm not too hopeful with my wonky cycles and the fact that my temps this month aren't following a normal pattern, though they are not as all over the place as last month, but it could happen! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
I had an appointment with my doctor this past Monday to talk about my mid-cycle bleeding. I had it again this cycle on CD11-12, after having it around CD14-15 the last two cycles. She wasn't worried about my spotting before AF. She said that it happens to a lot of women and that as we age our cycles change so that could be what is happening for me. I still feel like it is connected to the mid-cycle spotting since it all started at the same time, but oh well. She is concerned about the mid-cycle spotting/bleeding though. She believes it is hormonal since it seems to be happening around the same time every month. I was so worried it was cancer or an infection, but she said those things cause very irregular bleeding, nothing in a pattern, so that was a relief!
She asked other questions- if I had pain when the bleeding happens, pain during intercourse, abnormal hair growth, etc. I told her that I do have some cramping when I bleed, much like when I ovulate, no to the others, but that I had been breaking out pretty bad for the past few months, even on my chest which rarely happens. I've always had 30+ day cycles and sometimes have very longs cycles, like last month's 42 day cycle. She thinks I may have PCOS. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm but we are holding off on that until I get a job since our deductible reset and we can't afford it. She said since I already have several signs of it she would go ahead and prescribe Metformin. Even if I don't have PCOS, it will still help regulate my cycle and she said it's also given to women to help them get pregnant. She also told me to get on baby aspirin. She looked in the chart and remembered that my peri's opinion was to not take it until fetal heart tones are established in my next pregnancy, but every doctor has different views on the subject. At their practice they suggest women with only one clotting disorder to take it, and I have two!
This new potential diagnosis worries me. PCOS has caused lots of infertility issues with women, which is possibly the reason I'm not pregnant after trying for 6 cycles/7 months this time around. I haven't done much research yet but, based on my Google findings, women with PCOS have a higher miscarriage rate- conflicting reports give between 45% to as high as 64%. This is terrifying considering the increased miscarriage rates for those with MTHFR and FVL. I'm starting to feel like my pregnancies were doomed from the start. Maybe this is an additional reason why I lost my babies. If I do have it then I'm happy I'm getting treatment now before getting pregnant and having to endure another loss. Lucky for me, Metformin not only helps women to conceive by regulating their cycles and ovulation, but when taken during pregnancy also greatly reduces the miscarriage rates to the national average (down to 12% in one study). This corresponds with what my doctor said about keeping some women on it during pregnancy and information I've received from fellow online BLM's that stayed on it/will stay on it into their second trimesters.
I'm really hoping this new medication and reduced stress helps me get pregnant. The idea of moving into my 8th month and 7th cycle of TTC is really depressing. I hope that I don't get AF next Friday and instead get my BFP. I'm not too hopeful with my wonky cycles and the fact that my temps this month aren't following a normal pattern, though they are not as all over the place as last month, but it could happen! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Not this year
Well, I tested today and got a BFN. After the last two days I expected it. On Saturday I had some pink spotting. I was really hoping it was just implantation bleeding since I was only 8DPO. Then I had some uncomfortable lower back and abdominal cramping all day. That made me think of the fact that I wasn't peeing as much as I had been. Then of course I had to check and see if my nipples were still sensitive. While they were still sensitive, they didn't seem nearly as tender as they had been just the day before.
I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.
AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.
As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.
I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.
AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.
As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.
I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?
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