Not this year

Well, I tested today and got a BFN. After the last two days I expected it. On Saturday I had some pink spotting. I was really hoping it was just implantation bleeding since I was only 8DPO. Then I had some uncomfortable lower back and abdominal cramping all day. That made me think of the fact that I wasn't peeing as much as I had been. Then of course I had to check and see if my nipples were still sensitive. While they were still sensitive, they didn't seem nearly as tender as they had been just the day before.

I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.

AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.

As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.

I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?

Holiday Blues

Does anyone else want to tell this time of year to suck it?! I can't get into the holiday spirit. I'm not merry. I wish that people didn't think I was weird because of this. I do have so much in my life I am grateful for but I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas is about love and family, but my family is incomplete. My little boys can't be here to celebrate with me.

We haven't put up any decorations this year. We don't plan on it. No lights. No tree. No presents. In addition to just not feeling up to celebrating, we can't afford much since I won't have a job soon. We've been trying to find people to take over our lease so we can move somewhere cheaper but haven't had much luck. I don't know what's going to happen next month when rent and utilites are due and it leaves us completely broke or we can't pay. Hopefully I'll find a job before then so that won't happen but I've been looking and applying for jobs for 2 months, had one interview, but I still don't have a job lined up.

Andrew and I told our parents that we can't really afford Christmas this year. My mom is fine with not doing a gift exchange. She's been under some financial hardship lately and can't afford much either. She wants to do dinner, which will be really nice. Then yesterday she said still wants to make us a little something though. Great. We tried to set-up Secret Santa with Andrew's family to minimize costs but that fell apart. We told them all that we can't afford anything. They're ok with us not getting them anything but they all still want to get us something. Fantastic. Nothing like feeling guilty at the holidays.

It's sweet of them to still want to get us something but it makes me feel like a terrible person. Is it so weird to say let's just skip Christmas this year? You guys go ahead and buy gifts for each other but skip us. *sigh* I don't like getting something for nothing, especially for Christmas. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I loved giving gifts to my family. That was the best part. Now I just dislike all holidays. But I can't not get gifts. I decided to knit scarves for my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and mom. It's an inexpensive gift but hopefully it'll mean a lot to them to have a homemade gift. I'll have to post pictures when I finish. We're going to spend a little money to get gift certificates for Andrew's nieces for the Kindles their parents are getting them. I don't know what to do for the guys in the family. I'd knit them scarves but I don't think they'd appreciate that so much.

Another thing weighing on me is having another Christmas where I'm not pregnant. Last Christmas, just a month after we lost Holden, I told myself that I would have a baby in my arms by next Christmas. Then, after losing Parker, I told myself that I would be pregnant by now. After getting pregnant with them so quickly who would think I'd still be here, empty, 6 months after hopping back on the TTC train, 9 months after losing my last little boy.

I'm actually in the 2WW right now. I'll know by the 21st if I'm pregnant. I had such a strange cycle that there's a big part of me that thinks that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. I had spotting for two days before Aunt Flo showed up last month and there were lots of little clots. Then I had bleeding on CD14 and CD15 that my doctor explained away as ovulation spotting. It wasn't spotting, it was bleeding. They did do some hormonal tests that came back normal, but I didn't even think to ask what they tested. Well, I didn't ovulate until CD31 according to my OPKs. Even if I ovulated when I normally do, around CD20-24, there is no way that bleeding was related to ovulation. My temps have been all over the place and didn't confirm ovulation. I'm not even sure if I ovulated but I'm trying to be hopeful.

Unlike previous cycles where I was pretty confident I wasn't pregnant, I'm just not sure this time. I'm 7DPO and do actually have some strong symptoms. Since about 4DPO in this cycle I've had super sensitive nipples. Like if my shirt moves the wrong way it hurts and I have to be careful about facing towards the water in the shower because it feels like a waterfall on my chest! And as of yesterday I have been peeing more and waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Not much more than usual, but enough to make me notice it. 'Didn't I just go to the bathroom an hour ago?' Since my chemical pregnancy I'm wary of symptoms. I know their presence doesn't guarantee anything, just like pregnancy itself. I could be pregnant and then find out two days later that I'm not anymore. Or I could not be pregnant at all. I had one cycle where I was nauseas during the 2WW. This better not be my body's idea of a joke. Unfortunately, symptoms bring hope and I'm going to feel so let down if I'm not pregnant. Especially right before Christmas when I really need something to be happy about. I need a Christmas miracle, if miracles still exist.

Changing Seasons

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile now. I've been super busy at work which leaves me no time to blog at work (don't tell my boss!) and too exhausted at the end of the day to even open my laptop. Things are finally back to normal so I'll have lots more free time...especially since I won't have a job in three weeks. I probably mentioned it before but here it is again- I'm being laid off. Well, technically I'm a contractor and my contract expires Januray 4th and they're not renewing me, but it's the same thing really. I've really had to think about what the heck I'm going to do come January!

I feel like I have been putting so much of my life on hold. Everything I think about is accompanied by "but what if I become pregnant?" I don't want to commit to anything because I could become pregnant, which would disrupt whatever it is that I might be doing. I don't want to plan too far in the future because I know the future can change with no warning. I kept worrying about when I should look for a new job because if I become pregnant, I'll eventually have to go on maternity leave. I was thinking I would just stay at my job while I get pregnant again and look for jobs while I'm on maternity leave. I knew I didn't want to come back. Well, since my contract won't be renewed, that choice was taken away from me. I have to do something. I've decided instead of JUST looking for another job I don't want (I still need to find a job though), that I'm going back to school. For nursing.

It's something that I've thought about for a couple of years now but it always seemed out of my reach. Just the waitlist is about 2 years and I have to do some prerequisits before that. I always thought that if I did this, it would be basically throwing my 4 year degree out the window. Why did I spend so much time and money getting it if in the end I didn't follow through with it? On the positive side, I wouldn't have been employed during college and for the last 2 years if it weren't for my major and degree. And a microbiology degree IS helpful to me since I did take several of the prereqs required by the nursing program and I did find so many aspects of microbiology to be fascinating. There is more with a microbiology degree that I could do, and that I would want to do (hello breweries) if I had the chance, but science jobs are in high demand with low turnover in my area so that's not likely to happen. Going back to school is a little daunting, but I'm so excited. I'm starting a new season in my life that will hopefully lead to a rewarding career and succesful future. It's about time I had some positive change in my life.

Happy Birthday, Holden!

Has it really been a year? It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I still miss Holden so much. More so lately. I don't know what I thought it would feel like at this point but I guess I didn't think it would still hurt this much. I thought at one year I would be happier. That time would have helped heal my wounds. I know that my mental state is much different than it was a year ago and I've made a lot of progress. I don't cry very often and there are a lot of days where I'm happy and forget the sadness. But it never leaves me and still hits hard. Like today. Some wounds cut too deep to ever heal.

I didn't really think much of how significant today was when getting ready for work this morning. I thought maybe it can be a happy day, celebrating the short life of my sweet little boy, and not a sad and depressing day.  I went to write something on my calendar and just stood and started at what I wrote for November 19th: "Holden's Birthday- 1 year." I didn't want to forget...not that I ever could! I hate that all I will ever have are reminders and notes as signs of time progression instead of a growing baby boy. I almost lost it right then. It was so hard not to cry. I just hate starting off my day like that so I stopped myself. I kept tearing up at work all day though. I didn't need a trigger. I would just get this surge of sadness, my eyes would get watery and I would have to stop myself from letting them flow. At 10:00 am an alarm went off on my phone. Another reminder that it's Holden's angelversary. I had written in the description "Happy Birthday baby boy!" Another almost cry.

I'm going to bake a cake for him tonight. I think his one year birthday calls for something special! I'll post pictures later...if it turns out good!

My dearest Holden,
How is it possible that it has been a year since you left me? I can't believe it. Every day without you has been so difficult. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry my body failed you. I wish more than anything that you could be here with me now. Every day I wonder what you would be like. If you had made it full term and survived you would be 6 months old now. So old! I wonder what life would be like with you. Would you be a quiet baby like I was, sleeping all through the night? Or would you be like my little brother (your uncle) and cry, cry cry? Oh how I would love to hear you cry. Would you have your daddy's curly hair or my light complexion? You looked like you were going to get his big nose! I wish I would have had the chance to find out. I miss you today and everyday and words cannot express how much I love you.
Love,
Mom

ETA: Here is his birthday cake that I made all from scratch. Chocolate cake with butter frosting, covered in fondant. Unfortunately I don't have any cookie cutters so everything was cut out by hand with just a knife. I think that it turned out pretty good though! I really wish I could have been making it for our living baby.

Unjust Universe

Do you ever have moments when you think because you lost your baby/babies other bad things shouldn't happen to you? Both big and little? Because when they do, it's just not fair. Seriously, universe? Seriously?? You're going to throw this at me too?

I find it difficult to cope with the negativity of life lately. With certain things, like relationships, I forgive easily. I think "life is short" and it's not worth investing all this negative energy on unimportant circumstances. So what if Andrew didn't do the dishes like I asked? I don't need to get upset; I just need to ask him again. It's not a big deal. In other situations, even when I try to be positive and think "it's not the end of the world," I wonder why it happened in the first place. Haven't I endured enough tragedy not to experience more misfortune? Maybe I'm being selfish. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Sometimes life just kicks you when you're down. Why shouldn’t it happen to me too? That still doesn't make it okay.

First, I lose my two baby boys. Then I get pregnant only to have it taken away two days later. Then, I find out I'm being laid off. What the heck do I do now? I have to make some serious decisions about the direction of my life at this point. Maybe go back to school? Then I do some research on my laptop and it crashes for like the 4th or 5th time in 3 years (thanks Vista). WTF? I spend easily over 15 hours trying to fix it only to have to reinstall it to factory settings. I can't have an unreliable computer, especially if I go back to school. So I buy a new one. Of course I put it on the Best Buy card since we're broke. I give my mom my old one and she is so excited that I think maybe something good came out of it after all. All is well. Oh, wait, we're broke? Rent and other bills lined up just right this month so that our paycheck wasn't enough? Three days after we get paid we have -$3 in our account. Dammit. What are we going to do? Oh, we have those checks to deposit! We'll be fine as long as we only use our near maxed out credit cards for the essentials and we postpone all automatic payments until after we get paid again. Shit, I just signed up for automatic withdrawal for my student loans last month. I can change the date! But it takes up to 10 days to adjust and the pay date is in 5. It still comes out. At least the overdraft fee is only $36. Only a week until payday and we'll be fine. Now it's Andrew's birthday (November 15th) and we can't not do something. So we go out to eat with friends. I make sure to grab my camera. We sit in a booth and I ask him to put my purse on the inside of the booth instead of in between us. I never think to grab my camera since I'm not next to my purse. I know that this is when I lost my camera. Last night I'm looking for it, taking the flashlight to our cars, looking in the most ridiculous places in the house for it. Maybe they found it at the restaurant. Did you find a camera? We were just in there yesterday. We were sitting in the bar area. No? Thanks. Then I cry.

I guess the difference between scenarios that are more upsetting, is the money involved. Relationships are free, well, of any monetary value. You invest time, emotion, and love. I can and will invest them in the people I want in my life. These are values that I like to think I have a limitless store of.  I can't run out. I can run out of money. I can't afford to replace every material possession I own. I try to justify it as a "thing." It's just a "thing". Unfortunately even "things" can be important and necessary. While I can buy another camera, on the credit card of course, I can't buy back the pictures I had on it. Luckily I just transferred pictures on Halloween, so not too much time has passed. But I had taken cute pictures of the dogs and other "things" that have emotional importance to me. I always end up feeling stupid for being upset over something so insignificant. Why is this so important to me to cause such emotional distress? It's so hard to be positive, as much as I try, when life keeps throwing difficulties at me. When they build up, it makes even the smallest inconvenience a mountainous obstacle to overcome. I can’t move mountains but it's time to learn how to climb.

Halloween Weekend

Halloween was...mediocre. Not as bad as it could have been and not as good as I was hoping. I had been really excited to dress up and go to a couple of parties on Friday and Saturday. We had really great costumes too! I was Flo from progressive and Andrew was the Geico caveman. We made his latex mask from scratch. We got so many compliments! Still, once I was all dressed up, I wasn't as excited to go out anymore. Then, when we got to the parties, all I wanted to do was go home. I've always had a bit of social anxiety but it has become so bad since my losses. It's hard for me to relate to people or really have the desire to converse. It's not too bad if someone pulls me into a conversation but I don't go out of my way to start one. I did try to have fun but it was difficult. I was basically ignoring Halloween in all other aspects because I really wasn't in the Halloween spirit. Why should I be?

Luckily, we didn't have any trick-or-treaters on Sunday. Small children don't bother me as much as babies but seeing them dressed up would still have been a little difficult. When I went to the Halloween store last week and saw all the cute little costumes they had for infants and toddlers, it stung a little. So, Andrew and I ended up eating candy while playing videogames and watching terrible scary movies on Netflix. We have almost eaten our entire six bags of chocolate candy over the course of the last three weeks. Let's say my digestive tract isn't exactly happy about that...neither is my weight! Still, it was nice.

I think I've decided that unless I have a baby next Halloween, I don't think I'm going out. Even if I do, I might opt to stay in and just be in awe of what will be an adorable infant since at this point, the earliest due date I'm looking at is July. I hope all the other BLMs had a gentle Halloween, especially those with due dates or angelversaries in October. We all made it past the first holiday in the string of holiday events that are to come in the next couple of months. We can do it!

Parker's Due Date

Sunday, October 24th, was Parker's due date. I had a little anxiety before it, as I did with Holden's, but it wasn't nearly as bad. A lot of that had to do with losing Parker 3 weeks before Holden's due date so the grief was still fresh. I also think having been through it once before helped. Luckily, it was as good a day as it could have been considering everything it represented. The anticipation was worse than anything. Due dates are a significant milestone in our lives and for the lives of our gone-too-soon babies.

I woke up that morning and I was in a pretty good mood. Andrew and I had plans to just spend the day together. We added a bunch of scary movies on Netflix and put them on as we carved pumpkins. This year, Halloween is a little more difficult since it is so close to my due date. The holidays in general are hard, but how could they not be? Andrew and I are dressing up and going to a couple of friends parties this weekend, which we are excited about, but otherwise I am pretty much ignoring Halloween. Not really on purpose, I just don't feel like celebrating it as much this year. I didn't dig out our box of Halloween stuff from the storage closet and decorate the house. I have one decoration hanging up outside, next to the front door, of a wooden scarecrow that says "Fall Harvest" that Andrew's mom gave us and the two withered pumpkins sitting outside our door. I don't mind joining in others celebration of Halloween but I'm not in the Halloween spirit myself.

I did have a moment of slipping into alternate realities while carving pumpkins. I have two alternate realities; the one where Holden exists and the one where Parker exists. In Holden's reality, he would be almost 5 and a half months old. We would totally have been carving a pumpkin for him. Andrew carved the Sesame Street Count (he thought it was funny) but that is totally the kind of pumpkin I would have wanted to carve for our baby boy! Something childlike and cute. We probably would have gone to the pumpkin patch and taken the obligatory pumpkin-baby photos. Maybe where he was dressed up in his first Halloween costume. In Parker's reality we may not have been carving pumpkins at all that weekend because I'd be ready to pop! Or maybe I would have already brought him home. Maybe we would have carved pumpkins earlier in preparation for him or waited until he was born to carve. Either way, I would have been so happy to bring him home. So happy that it wouldn't have mattered if we had pumpkins at all.

I was a little sad but my new live in the moment attitude kept me from dwelling too long in those wonderful day dream worlds. Instead, it was just us two, a couple of in-love married people carving some pumpkins and baking some pumpkin seeds. We did do something special to honor the memory of Parker on what should have been his birthday. We baked a cake. It was a white confetti cake with confetti frosting. Delicious! I ate it and thought "I wish you were here." I so wish that I could have been celebrating bringing home my living baby, but at least I could was able to remember his short life and how much I love him.

I really hope that once Halloween is here that I don't have a meltdown. I feel like I'm doing so well but there is no way to know when my "up" will go "down." We are going to hand out candy early on, which will of course be the youngest children, and then plan to turn off the porch light when it gets dark so we don't have to give out candy all night. I don't think I could handle doing that all night, seeing all the adorable kids in their costumes reminding me of what I don't have. It just might be a little too much. I need to preserve some sanity (of what little is left)!

Pity Party Fun

I fail as a blogger. I don't post as much as I should. I know this is my place to put down my feelings and thoughts, but sometimes I depress myself with how depressing I am. I feel like I never have anything significant to write about. My babies are dead. I'm sad. The end. That's the truth of it though, I AM sad. I feel like I'm getting more depressed as time goes on. I'll start to get better and then relapse. I keep thinking if I was pregnant now, I wouldn't feel this way. I know that I wouldn't.

Last Friday Andrew and I had dinner with a few people at a friend's house. I can't remember when, I think after our first loss, I found out that our friend Nicole had a 6 week loss. On either side of that loss, she has two beautiful girls, ages 6 and 1 and a half. Other than that loss, Nicole has lost a lot of people in her life. It's probably hard for people to understand the immensity of her losses when most people have only lost a couple people in their lives by their mid-20's. I don't mean to diminish anyone’s loss, losing even one person in your life is difficult, but I think that when several people in your life die, it definitely takes its toll on you. It's also different when it's your grandparents, who lived long and fulfilling lives, compared to your sister, who left behind her two kids. I don't think she gets to really talk about it. Well, once in awhile you just need a pity party and isn't alcohol always the best catalyst for it?

She started talking about all the people who she lost in her life with tears streaming down her face. Somehow it became this comparison on how many people have died in each of our lives. Everyone was listing off the few people in their lives while Nicole listed off at least 5 people, including her sister who died about 8 years ago, then I said something like "if we're going to make this a competition then I win because my babies died." There was that second of silence where everyone gets a little uncomfortable and I was really afraid that I had ruined the evening with my inappropriate joke, but then Nicole started talking about her loss too.

It was kind of nice to be able to make a little joke about feeling cursed because the people in our lives keep dying. Talking about how sad you are that your babies died. I think it was nice for her to be able to call her 6 week loss, her baby, which I haven't heard her say before. Morbid? Probably. Freeing? Definitely.

Then her sister-in-law started talking about how it's not the same, but she has a tumor in her breast and her doctor basically said if you want to have kids, you need to have them now. She's engaged and they're not ready but she wants kids so she has a very serious decision to make. Then I was able to relate that I have precancerous cervical cells and there is only so much time I have to have kids too. I know it's different, but we're both being faced with this rush to have kids before we can't anymore. Different circumstances, same situation. It was really cool to be relating to this person I'd never met before! Want to hear something funny? We all have the same doctor!

All of this on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was having a difficult time that day as it was and this was a good way to get it out. All in all, it was a really cathartic experience. All week I've been feeling a little better than I have in awhile. Now, if I ever see a grape martini again...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Babycenter says it's "a day to honor and remember babies who die during pregnancy or as newborns. Participants around the world light a candle at 7 p.m. and keep it burning for at least an hour. Because of different time zones, the result is a wave of light that spans the globe. The day also calls attention to the needs of grieving parents and creates awareness of pregnancy and infant loss."

So, take some time today to remember your babies or the loss of someone you know. If you're like me, you already remember them every day!


Holden and Parker,

I hope you know how much I love you. It's more than anyone could imagine. I miss you so very much. I wish more than anything I could be holding you in my arms but I'll have to settle with keeping you forever in my heart. You each represent a special time in my life. Though it was short, those times will always belong to you. You'll always be my baby boys.

Love,
Mom

Regression

Do you ever return to that moment when your heart broke? When shock and sadness overwhelm you and you are overcome by the reality of what has happened to you? That was me last Wednesday. I was driving home from work and started getting a little teary eyed.

Getting teary eyed in the car is not unusual for me. I knew these were the kind of tears that need to come out and decided to let them flow. Well, once they started they just wouldn't stop. Luckily, it was a sunny day so my sunglasses concealed my surely bloodshot eyes, but I had to keep wiping the tears off my cheeks before any red lights. I'm always self-conscious about someone looking in my window when I'm stopped and seeing me cry. I wonder what they would think of me.

By the time I pulled into the garage, I was bawling. I just wanted to see my babies. I went inside, let the dogs out, and then walked upstairs. I walked into our study/office and gently picked up the shoebox that contains Holden and Parker's whole lives. I sat down on the floor, the tears still flowing, and opened the box. I pulled out the "It's a boy!" teddy bear I received from the hospital for Holden. The baby blankets they were wrapped in. All my ultrasounds, pregnancy pictures, and all the hospital bands I wore around my wrist from every hospital visit. Then, I looked at their pictures. At their beautiful, tiny, perfect, helpless bodies. All the time I'm trying not to cry on the pictures because I don't want to mess them up.

After I was done I neatly put everything back in its place and went downstairs. I let the dogs in and just crawled into bed. Cora, who everyone says is a momma's girl, jumped up, cuddled right next to me, and started licking my face. I'm sure it was nice and salty for her. It really was what I needed to make me feel a little better. I had to laugh when her tongue started going up my nose. Gross!

Andrew got home soon after that and walked into the bedroom to see me crying. When he asked why, all I could say was "I'm sad." Then he asked why with even more concern. I think he thought something had happened to me. I just said "I miss my babies." And then he had an "oh" look on his face. He crawled into bed too and let me talk and cry about it. When he wasn't responding, I got a little upset. He said he didn't know what to say. I told him to “just tell me everything is going to be ok and that we will have living babies one day and won't always be mourning the death of our children. That it won't always be this hard.” Then he said those are all things he was thinking but didn't say. "Easy to say now after I just told you what to say to me." We laughed. He wanted to let me be sad about the memory of Holden and Parker and not to diminish that by talking about the future. How sweet is that? I really appreciated it but told him sometimes I need to know that he thinks about the future too and is hopeful that things will be better some day.

It felt good to have that deep cry. Sometimes I feel like my sadness is collective. Everyday adds a little more to the collection until I release it. But I'm not supposed to cry because it's been 5 months since my most recent loss. I should be "over it" by now. Except that I'll never be over it and everyday that I'm not allowed to express my emotions, is another day that I'm just waiting to explode. But that's ok. We all need to break down once in awhile and then pick ourselves back up and keep going. I really do hope that someday life will be better.