Where have all the days gone?

I haven't posted in a while because I've been pretty sad lately. The 19th of this month was Holden's 10 month angelversary and the 24th was Parker's 5 month angelversary. I just tried to not cry all day at work that week. I cried in the car to and from work instead. I can't believe it's been so long. I didn't realize the dates initially either, which made me feel worse. I felt like a bad mom.

After I lost Holden, I counted every week, even when I was pregnant with Parker. But after we lost Parker, I lost count. I remembered Holden's due date but it was too much for me emotionally to have that constant reminder. Still, occasionally, I realize what the date is and I'm overwhelmed with grief.

Not being pregnant again makes it hurt more. We are 5 months out from losing Parker and in the third month TTC and still nothing. Now that we have some answers, I'm ready to be pregnant again but my body isn't allowing that to happen. I've decided that if we're not pregnant this month, which I'm just not feeling it, then I am going to quit temping. I'm just going to enjoy being intimate with my loving husband...every other day! Less obsessing will probably do me good.

I also found out today that my contract at work is definitely not being renewed next year due to budget issues so I have until January 5th to find a new job. It's so hard. I've been on and off looking for months because I've wanted to get out of my job but haven't found anything. Now I have nothing to fall back on if I can't find a job. I wanted to get out but I was hoping to have more time. I'm going to try to be positive but this is obviously extra stress that I don't need right now!

What Makes a Good Supervisor?

Is it being mean to your employee? I'm having one of those mornings at work. I have been really stressed out lately and my supervisor is really just adding to it. Two weeks ago from yesterday, she needed me to screen some viruses to be shipped. Normally, I could get these done in a week, but due to other circumstances requiring my time, I was unable to get them done quickly.

The biggest reason is that I have a work study student I've been training. Her first week was last week and she was here for about 6-7 hours over 3 different days. That in itself takes time, but I had to prepare for her too. That makes sense, doesn't it? Prepare for training a student? A sophomore who has yet to have a microbiology course. Who has no idea what any of the procedures we do are and has never held a pipette before. Is there a limit on the amount of time I'm supposed to take to prepare for her? I've never trained anyone before so this is new to me. It’s been a little overwhelming. I remember when I started as a student and had no idea what the heck I was doing. So, I decided to be detailed and to plan for the time she would be here. Seriously, I don't even make a plan for myself for the week until Monday, so adding training on top of that...yeah.

Anyway, that has taken a lot of my time during the last two weeks. Plus, this was a short week and I was sick on Tuesday. My supervisor didn't say anything until yesterday when she asked if I was done screening them. I told her no, but they would be done by Friday. Then today she sends another email asking which procedures I've performed on them and saying it's been 2 weeks since she emailed. It shouldn't take 2 weeks to screen "3" viruses (it's 4, actually) and that this needs to be a priority. Then, she so nicely added, "Honestly, this should be done within 1 week." Was that necessary?

Am I overreacting? I realize as my supervisor she can determine when things need to be done. She gives me a task and I do it. That's how the chain of command works. I get it. But, to me, if after a week I wasn't done and she had a problem with that, then shouldn't she have said something? She asked me about it last Thursday and I told her that I would be finishing up this week and she didn't say a word. That was her opportunity to say "Hey, it's been a week and I really need to ship these so do you think you can get them done by (insert day)?" instead of waiting for another week and then sending me an email saying she thinks they should be done.

She gives me things to do and never gives me a deadline or an estimate of when she needs them. It's not until she's annoyed that they're not done that she tells me, always by email might I add, and that just stresses me out more. And she always puts in a little something extra that comes off as rude. She's not a good supervisor. Her position doesn’t allow her to supervise people, technically, but I was hired to assist her so I guess that makes her the boss. I really need a new job.

Not meant to be

Why is this happening? I don't know what to feel right now. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm numb.

My temp went from 98.63 the day I got my faint BFP on Friday to 98.03 today. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative. As fast as it was here, it's gone. 

A May baby wasn't meant to be for me.

This is so different from my other losses that I don't know what to do. With the others, I and 3 and half months to know they were there and get excited. I held their tiny fragile bodies in my hands. They were babies. What was this? A chemical pregnancy? Do I call my OB next week and let her know? Do I add a birthstone to my necklaces? I'll never know if it would have been a girl or a boy...

I never even felt pregnant, but I was and I was excited. Now I'm devastated.

Exciting News

Of course I had a horrible time sleeping last night. All I could think about was when I could POAS and if AF was going to show up this morning. I've been waking up pretty consistently in the middle of the night to pee lately so at 2:50am I decided to get up because I couldn't hold it anymore and I tested. Faint positive. I still wasn't sure I 100% believed it and thought AF could still show up.

After 20 minutes or so I still could not fall back asleep so I decided to take my temp just in case. It was still up! About 0.5 degrees up from the previous day. I did end up falling back asleep and temped again before I got up at 6:00am and it was another 0.5 up...probably thrown off a little from not getting much sleep. When my temp goes down on the morning of AF it's around 97.05. These were temps of 98.55 and 98.62. Not likely to be up that high just from getting up. I've woken up to pee at 4:00am before and still temped at 5:30 and had pretty normal temps. This is the real deal!

I decided to POAS again with two different kind of tests. I was hoping they would be darker but 3 hours really isn't that much time to concentrate your urine! Still, they were both faintly positive. I'm going to test again on Sunday just to see a darker line.

So yeah. I got my BFP! I couldn't be more thrilled. I couldn't be more terrified. Funny how opposite states can exist as one for a baby loss mom. I have the exact same due date as Holden since I O'd on exactly the same date. Part of me is terrified with this. I'm going to be so worried in November, wondering if I'm going to add another angel baby to this month. The other part is so excited and feels like it will honor the memory of Holden. Maybe it's good luck! I hope this time I get my May baby. My May rainbow.

Maybe...

So I decided to take a test today. I figured if it was negative it would mean for sure that I'm not pregnant. My logic was that I took a test at 10DPO when I was pregnant with Parker and it was negative. I took one at 14DPO and it was very positive. I figured somewhere in there it turns positive so why not test at 11DPO, the day before AF arrives? It might be positive if I'm pregnant. Really, the idea of waiting even one day more was excruciating to me. There seemed to be a very faint line, which I would expect considering at 10DPO it would be negative, but it could have been my mind willing the indent line to be a real line. I'm not sure. I might be pregnant.

I have been so convinced I'm not because of having no symptoms...other than slightly more frequent trips to the bathroom. My breasts and nipples aren't sore or tender at all, which happened before a positive in my previous pregnancies, though they have felt a little heavier. In my last post I said that I was breaking out and I thought it was clearing up....well I woke up with about 5 more pimples today. Also, my temp went up from 98.46 to 98.49. That isn't a huge difference, basically the same temp, but this is the third cycle I've temped and for the last two cycles on the day before AF arrived my temp dropped about .1 or .2 degrees. We'll see tomorrow. KYFX for me!

Trying to Live Life

My stress is consuming. I have been so overwhelmed with our finances lately. We only have about $1100 left to pay off and are going to try and pay it off in 2 months. Having a plan is a relief and I think we are doing pretty well but it doesn't help me from turning into money control freak every single time a bill is due or Andrew spends money. I get so stressed I have cried.

For a brief lapse in my insanity (yep) I decided to let loose and spend a little money. Andrew and I got tickets to two concerts. I thought after the horrible year we had that we deserved a little fun. We already went to see Rufus Wainwright. If his was the only concert I went to in my entire life, I'd be happy with that. It was amazing. He has the most beautiful voice. His sister, Martha, opened for him and she had a beautifully unique voice as well.

The next concert we are going to is Muse with Silversun Pickups. I can't wait! Of course I had buyer’s remorse about an hour after I bought tickets (I bought them both the same day so...$220 came out at the same time). I think it's because I feel guilty when we spend money on one thing when we could have applied it to the medical bills. That has become my mentality lately and I can't think like that. I can't live life in constant worry.

Andrew and I used to treat ourselves once in a while with certain purchases and now I have a panic attack when we spend money. There have been some purchases Andrew made where I made him feel bad about it. I didn't mean to but my worry is so intense that I can't help but think how each purchase will affect our financial stability. I think we're not going to pay off these bills because he spent $10 on ice cream or $30 buying Dexter Season 4 for me. I do think he needs to work on not being such an impulse shopper but I need to work on not obsessing so much.

I've just been trying to live my life as well as I possibly can. It's so hard though. I can't go back to who I was before I lost my babies. Things I used to get joy out of are usually somehow a trigger for my pain. Everything is a reminder of what my life isn't. I've been crying a lot lately. For a month now, out of nowhere, things seem to just bring on the tears. I wondered why it's so much harder now, 4 months after losing Parker, than it was after we lost Holden. I think becoming pregnant with Parker 3 months after losing Holden helped soften my pain and I didn't really deal with losing Holden in the first place. Then, when we lost Parker, I really let myself grieve for both of them. There is still no next pregnancy to help with my grief. It makes it worse.

I'll find out Friday if there will be another baby on the way. I'm not feeling very hopeful again this cycle. Other than more frequent urination in the middle of the night, which is probably just because I'm just drinking more water lately, I have no symptoms. I'm breaking out pretty bad, which has been a preg symptom, but I think it's clearing up so AF is probably on her way. I had some cramping earlier today so yet another not pregnancy symptom. *sigh* I guess I’ll see if my temp drops Friday morning.

Special days aren't special

Sunday, August 22nd, was our first wedding anniversary. One year of married bliss. One year to the day since we conceived our first little boy. One year filled with love, death, and grief. It should have been a special day, but it wasn't.

Three weeks ago Andrew's wisdom teeth really started bothering him. At first we thought they were just coming in but the pain wouldn't go away. He made an appointment with the oral surgeon a week later and got his wisdom teeth out. Normally, pain should start to go down within a few days but his seemed to get worse around day 5. The first time he tried to eat more solid food, at Wendy's when we were going to a concert (I'll talk about that in the next post), he very nearly cried from the pain. But of course he is too much of a man for silly tears. :)

Turns out he had dry socket. It has been almost 2 weeks since then; 3 weeks since he had them out and they seem pretty much back to normal. He is back to eating solid food. I was so grateful for my long cycles because of this. If I ovulated on the "normal" 14 days of a 28 day cycle, then we would have been out of luck. Luckily, I'm a 20+ day ovulator. I don't like having long cycles most of the time but this time it made me happy.

I calculated that I was going to O around our anniversary. How romantic! What are the chances of having another opportunity to conceive exactly a year later from our first honeymoon baby? Of course, I'm terrified of having the same timeline as Holden. I would love a May baby but our last May baby didn't make it to May. How do we know this one will? At the same time it would be very meaningful.

We had all these plans for our anniversary. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Yum! Then I took the morning to get all prettied up for a movie at 1:30pm. Then we were going to eat a romantic dinner at the Rustic Oven. We wanted to try a new place and it looked really nice. We were so excited because Andrew's teeth were finally feeling good again and he couldn't wait to eat real food!

About 15 minutes before the movie Andrew was walking down the hall and I heard him yell. I went in the bedroom soon after and found him laying face down on the bed. He said he threw out his back and it hurt to move. When he tried to get up he almost screamed in pain. He finally was able to get up and called the nurse line provided by our insurance. He was eventually able to walk around pretty good and we thought we might still be able to make it to dinner since we missed the movie. His back only got worse. It seemed like every time he sat down it was more difficult to stand up and by the end of the night he was walking like a penguin. ETA: We took a picture after we missed the movie because I wanted at least one picture to remember our anniversary if we didn't get to go out.

He felt really bad but I assured him it was fine, out of his control and all that, and we would make the best of it. We ended up doing separate things all night. I wanted to watch a movie but he wanted to lie in bed and played video games on his computer all night. Strike one. Then I had to cook dinner. Andrew wanted to order but we have been doing that far too much lately and I wanted to save money for going out to celebrate our anniversary when he felt better. I told him I would make stir-fry and he seemed less than enthused. He told me that when we make stir-fry it doesn't taste as good because we use frozen veggies. Strike two. I know it wasn't his fault but I was so mad at him the whole time I was cooking. Because of his tooth pain he had done zero work around the house for 3 weeks. He was certainly taking advantage of tooth situation, which I totally would have too, but then adding this on top after I had been doing so much for 3 weeks was so frustrating.

I do all the dishes daily but he is responsible for the hand wash ones and cleaning the kitchen at least once every two weeks. We don't have many hand wash only dishes but in 3 weeks they had pretty much all been used and were stacked up next to the sink. I had to wash the rice cooker bowl and some of the knives for slicing up meat and veggies which annoyed me. He came in after awhile and felt bad and said he wanted to help, which I appreciated so much, but it ended up making it worse because he couldn't bend down or reach without hurting himself so I had to get everything for him. I had to ask him to leave. Strike three. I was mad the whole time thinking that he basically told me that stir-fry sucks when we make it and here I am spending an hour making it and he was going to hate it. I just wanted to make something nicer than the average meal.

On top of that it was super hot. We don't have air but we do have a swamp cooler, which Andrew had to himself in the bedroom while I'm sweating cooking in the kitchen. I prepared our plates and set them at the kitchen table and lit a couple of candles. Despite being a little upset, I really did try to make the best of it. I was willing to forget everything that annoyed me all night if we could just enjoy a nice, romantic, home cooked dinner for our anniversary. Unfortunately, Andrew was in so much pain that our conversation suffered. He was sitting on edge in his chair the whole time and every time I talked to him he had short responses. I really wanted to cry but I also had to clean up the dishes so I settled for more frustration.

It was just so awful. This was really the first special day that I really wanted and needed to be special. For the last year every special date- birthdays, holidays, etc. - were ruined by grief and couldn't really be enjoyed. This, however, was a day to really celebrate and I was excited to TTC on top of it all. I told Andrew it would be different if we had planned a home anniversary celebration from the beginning because it wouldn't have been so bad. Having plans and then having them ruined was so disappointing. Then I felt bad because Andrew felt like it was all his fault and I was making it worse. It was a bad day for both of us.

When I woke up the next morning and took my temperature, I saw that it had jumped and that our anniversary was when I O'd. I was so disappointed. We didn't get to go out and we didn't get any anniversary lovin'. Less chance of conceiving. I O'd 3 days earlier than last month and I'm glad I did because there is no way we would have been able to BD yesterday or today with Andrew's back still in pain. We did BD the 21st so I'm hoping that will be enough. I guess we'll find out in 10 days when AF shows up or she doesn't.

We went to the doctor yesterday and she wasn't sure if Andrew's pain was muscular or disk related. Based on tests it seemed muscular but the fact that he had some numbness and tingling suggests disk. She said she wouldn't be surprised if it's a little of both. I had to go to Walgreens and wait an hour to pick up muscle relaxants, after they told me it would be 10-15 minutes, so I waited in the store. Grr. I also took the day off to look after him, though I probably could have just taken the morning off, but I have now pretty much used up all my sick time and vacation time. He's doing better today and went into work for a little bit. Corporate is in this week so of all weeks for this to happen it's really not a good one for him. He was able to fully dress himself today, though he did have to think creatively to do so, but that is a good sign. He still can't really bend and walking is slow going, but the pain is a little less and he seems to have a teeny bit more movement. If he doesn't get better by this weekend we have to go in for X-rays so hope that he gets better soon! I’m ready to have a redo of our anniversary celebration.

ETA: We had our wedding cake in the freezer and ate it that day. It was actually pretty good. A little dry but still very tasty.

Unwanted arrival

I woke up this morning and took my temperature. It had dropped. I rolled over and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. I was so disappointed. I went to the bathroom and had spotting. Aunt Flow had arrived. I just didn't feel pregnant and I'm not. What was with my crazy symptoms? I really felt nauseous that one morning. It was so strange.

I was really upset all morning and started crying on the way to work. I made myself stop. "Stop it dammit!" I shouldn't be getting so upset and if I started first thing in the morning it would be hard to stop and get through the day. It was a rough day anyway and I was distracted at work. I was getting pretty bad cramps towards the afternoon and that depressed me more. I was going to take the afternoon off because I was having a hard time not crying but ended up having to stay and do more work.

I went home for lunch and on my way back I was going down a hill and saw a father and his two young sons riding up the hill. The younger one was probably about 5 or 6 and was having a tough time making it up the hill. I saw his father get close, grab the back of his son's bike seat, and help push him up the hill. It was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. I smiled. Then my breath left my chest. It was as if someone had squeezed all the oxygen from my lungs and tears starting streaming down my face. I have never been so unexpectedly overcome by such emotion.

Will Andrew ever have the same moment with our children one day? I know I am lucky to have been able to get pregnant so quickly the last two times but I was too confident in my ability. I knew it could take awhile but for the first time I really have to face that fact. We might not get pregnant right away. With all the answers I've received, I'm ready to get pregnant and start this journey again. Time is running out. On to August and hoping for a May baby.

Not feeling it

I got another BFN this morning. Last pregnancy I took one at 10 DPO and it was negative. Then at 14 DPO it was very positive. I have no idea what day in between there it would have been positive had I taken another one. I guess I can't be too disappointed at 11 DPO that I got a BFN but I am. I'm just really not feeling it.

Yesterday I posted about some symptoms I thought I had. They have varried and some of them have gone away. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night to go to pee in 2 days. My hunger has seemed to go away and I had to make myself eat dinner last night because I really wasn't hungry. On the other hand, I did wake up with a headache this morning for no reason. Then, when I was doing my makeup, my eyes were so sensitive to the light of my lamp. This happened when I was pregnant before. Then I started feeling a little nauseous but it went away by the time I was driving to work.

I freaking hate these random "symptoms" that come and go! They are tricky. They mess with your mind. I just don't feel pregnant. With Parker, I felt pregnant. I'm sure I had my doubts some days but I just knew. Even with Holden I knew. I was having super long super irregular cycles at the time so the first time I tested it was a BFN. I just had a feeling that it was wrong so I tested again 5 days later and it was a BFP. This time, I'm not so sure. I've been kind of crampy this morning which isn't giving me much hope. Unfortunately my temps don't drop until the day AF shows (mostly in the morning) so I don't even have that to help give me confirmation. I don't know if it's my mindset putting me in this negative mood or if like many women "just know" they are, I "just know" I'm not. AF is supposed to show up tomorrow so if she doesn't, I'll test again on Wednesday.

Trying to stay busy

I've been trying to stay busy lately in this 2WW. It's difficult. In some ways I'm not as focused on it as I was last time and in other ways, it is torturous not knowing yet. With the FVL and MTHFR diagnoses, I feel like now I have less time than I did before. My risk for losing a child is so much higher now. Even with blood thinners and extra folic acid, we don't know what will happen. I wish everything would just happen.

Our entire marriage has been consumed with pregnancy and loss since we conceived on our honeymoon. Some days I wish we had more time to just enjoy being a married couple. It's bitter sweet though. Every time I do something that I wouldn't be able to do when pregnant or with a newborn, I feel a deep sadness inside of myself. I am so lucky that Andrew and I had three and a half wonderful years together before our marriage to be a young couple. We have grown together so much over the last year but now I'm ready to be a family of 3. Who knows how long that will take?

I hate thinking that way. I'm not pessimistic by nature. It's like 'well we better start now because who knows how long it might take or how many more babies we might lose.' 'If we wait too long we might not be able to afford it.' We got what I hope is our last bill from the loss and it was for $1500. WHAT?! Apparently it's for room and board. It was originally $9000. It took so long to get here because it was amended. They took a whole $50 off what we were being charged before. AGH!

We should have a two month old now. We should be concerned with buying baby stuff and thinking about setting up a college fund (I’m a planner). We would maybe start talking about how long to wait before trying for baby #2. I always thought six months to a year is good because then they would be close together in age. My brother and I were 14 months apart and though we fought a ton, we were inseparable. Most people thought we were twins. I can't imagine not having a brother. Now I don't even know if I can give my future child a sibling, if we can afford it, or if living baby #1 will ever exist.

With TTC again, these thoughts have been bothering me a lot more. I wish I had a time machine and could go into the future to know what happens. Even if I had more losses, if I could know for certain that I will have a living child, then it wouldn't plague my mind so much. So, I've been trying to stay distracted. I'm in the 2WW again and while even the time up until O I was doing so well, not obsessing, now time has slowed to a crawl. I'm back to analyzing every little "symptom" I think I'm having. The other day I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and thought my "girls" looked a little bigger. I was so excited at the prospect of this that I actually smiled. You know when you're by yourself and something makes you literally laugh out loud? That's what it was like when I smiled. I smiled out loud! Then I was freaked out because who is this girl that is smiling at the thought of being pregnant? Who is this girl that actually has a genuine smile? I haven't seen her in awhile.

Before I say anything else, I need to put down into words how crazy I am. These are the other symptoms I think I'm experiencing, (in order of appearance): More frequent urination (starting 2DPO), breaking out, sore nipples, food cravings (especially for salt), heavy breasts, tossing and turning more at night, and as of Wednesday morning, stuffy noses when I wake up. I could literally explain every one of these symptoms away. But I won't. I'm just going to let myself be content. The idea of pregnancy scares me more now than it ever has, for good reason, but I never thought that I could be even remotely not depressed when TTC again, so I'm going to enjoy it.

Since the increase in vitamins I was told to take, I counted out that I take 8 pills a day. How ridiculous is that?? Here is a picture of everything. From top to bottom: Fish Oil, prenatal, B12, folic acid (4), and baby aspirin. I'll be adding daily shots of Lovenox on top of this when I'm pregnant again. I really hope this helps. It will so be worth it if it does.

I also decided to make my own memorial jewelry. After seeing some necklaces I really liked online, I decided I didn't want to by a $30+ necklace. I don't want to get something hand stamped and then have another loss. If I do ever get anything with names on it, it will be one day when I'm done having children so all their names can be on it. I thought to myself "I can do that!" Turns out I only kind of can. Even the simple necklaces I made were a little difficult. After buying all the materials (I had no jewelry making stuff) it ended up being around $30 anyway! BUT, I got two necklaces out of it.

They have November and April birthstones for the months my babies came into this world. My two fallen leaves. They have caused my world to spiral, but my love for them keeps my feet steady...most days.

I've also been knitting a throw. I was motivated by a friend who crocheted a large throw in my wedding colors as a wedding gift. However, I think I made a huge mistake! This throw is going to take me forever to finish. I read online about some women doing similar patterns and it took them less than 20 hours. I have knitted for hours at a time for a month, though I was watching tv which definitely slows me down, and have mere inches of this blanket! If I hadn't put so much time into it already I would quit and start a new one using bigger needles or thicker yarn, which would make it go much faster. One day, in a few years when I finish it, it will look really nice on our new couch, which will also be a few years old by then. I'll have to take a picture of it soon so I can document my progress, as slow as it may be.

For now, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied and distracted. I don't want to stress myself out so much thinking about financial and health implications associated with having another baby. I don't want to obsess so much about getting pregnant. Easier said than done. Of course, I've already satisfied my POAS craving too early. I hate seeing a BFN but once I've done it, it's easier to for me to wait. Is that weird? Part of me cannot believe that I'm pregnant, so the result supports my thought and I am content to wait for true confirmation. The rest of me hopes more than anything that I'm pregnant. I guess we shall see soon. Tomorrow is 11DPO, the day before my expected AF, and I think I will test again.