178

My appointment on Tuesday went well. The whole drive over I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility of her not finding the heartbeat. I kept thinking she wouldn't find the heartbeat so we'd have to go get an ultrasound and the baby would be dead. Then I'd feel really sad and tell myself she HAS to find it. It took a while of searching and finally she said she was giving me the deep treatment. After pressing down harder she was finally able to pick it up. She'd get it and then it would be gone. She'd find it again and then it would disappear. She finally got a reading of 178bpm. I was just so happy to hear that sweet sound.

The OB said that things are looking good so far. She said she wishes we could be like a normal couple, where she could tell us that since there's a strong heartbeat so close to the second trimester that we're getting our of the danger zone, but that wouldn't give us much comfort. We have the appointment with the Perinatologist next Tuesday where we'll be doing the NT scan and cervical length check and we'll know more about what's next then. For now we'll just schedule an appointment for four weeks. Also, I should continue my modified bed rest. Basically, when I'm home, rest as much as possible.

That was my fifth day of no spotting in a row. Then on day six, after a strained bowl movement (thank you constipation), I had some more spotting. It was not like the spotting I've had before, that was more pink/red streaked mucous. This time it was a bright red spot of only blood and took a few wipes to clear away. It really had me freaked out! I told myself that it's still just spotting, nothing heavy, so I shouldn't worry unless it got heavier or continued. Luckily I haven't had any for the last two days. Please, bleeding, stay away! I don't need you stressing me out. I have enough stress already, thank you.

We're moving into our new place on Sunday. We're getting lots of help so I don't have to lift a finger. I'm so thankful to have so many family members and friends that are willing to help. Andrew and I have been pretty stressed trying to get things done with me only being able to minimally help. I can tell he gets annoyed and a little frustrated that I'm not doing more but I know he knows why I can't. I feel bad because I wish I could do more. I've probably been pushing myself more than I should. I can't wait until we are moved in and hopefully that will reduce some of this stress. We just have way too many things going on right now.

I'm getting more and more scared the further along I am. I'll be 12 weeks on Sunday when we move. That's less than two weeks from when we lost Parker (13w5d) and three from when we lost Holden (14w5d). I told Andrew that it would be amazing if we could make it to our next OB appointment which would put me at 15+ weeks. At the same time, we've never made it that far and I'm terrified of even scheduling it because I can't imagine that I'll still be pregnant then. Part of me thinks it's pointless to schedule it and the other part is just wishing so hard that I can make it. Of course I'll make the appointment, but I'm sure I'll be thinking how much it's going to suck to cancel in a few weeks. Gosh, I wish this pessimism would go away!

Tried to find the heartbeat on my home doppler this morning to help ease my fears, but couldn't. I had to tell myself that the OB had a tough time just three days ago and I'm still only 11 weeks 5 days so it's still kind of early. I'm sure my doppler isn't the best either I wish I had noted when I found it with Parker. I was thinking it was late 11 weeks or early 12. I'll try again when we get moved and hope I can find it. I'd like some reassurance before I go to the ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby is still ok. For now I'm just trying to have hope that he or she is still growing strong in there and that everything will be fine. Keep growing little one!