Trying to stay busy

I've been trying to stay busy lately in this 2WW. It's difficult. In some ways I'm not as focused on it as I was last time and in other ways, it is torturous not knowing yet. With the FVL and MTHFR diagnoses, I feel like now I have less time than I did before. My risk for losing a child is so much higher now. Even with blood thinners and extra folic acid, we don't know what will happen. I wish everything would just happen.

Our entire marriage has been consumed with pregnancy and loss since we conceived on our honeymoon. Some days I wish we had more time to just enjoy being a married couple. It's bitter sweet though. Every time I do something that I wouldn't be able to do when pregnant or with a newborn, I feel a deep sadness inside of myself. I am so lucky that Andrew and I had three and a half wonderful years together before our marriage to be a young couple. We have grown together so much over the last year but now I'm ready to be a family of 3. Who knows how long that will take?

I hate thinking that way. I'm not pessimistic by nature. It's like 'well we better start now because who knows how long it might take or how many more babies we might lose.' 'If we wait too long we might not be able to afford it.' We got what I hope is our last bill from the loss and it was for $1500. WHAT?! Apparently it's for room and board. It was originally $9000. It took so long to get here because it was amended. They took a whole $50 off what we were being charged before. AGH!

We should have a two month old now. We should be concerned with buying baby stuff and thinking about setting up a college fund (I’m a planner). We would maybe start talking about how long to wait before trying for baby #2. I always thought six months to a year is good because then they would be close together in age. My brother and I were 14 months apart and though we fought a ton, we were inseparable. Most people thought we were twins. I can't imagine not having a brother. Now I don't even know if I can give my future child a sibling, if we can afford it, or if living baby #1 will ever exist.

With TTC again, these thoughts have been bothering me a lot more. I wish I had a time machine and could go into the future to know what happens. Even if I had more losses, if I could know for certain that I will have a living child, then it wouldn't plague my mind so much. So, I've been trying to stay distracted. I'm in the 2WW again and while even the time up until O I was doing so well, not obsessing, now time has slowed to a crawl. I'm back to analyzing every little "symptom" I think I'm having. The other day I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and thought my "girls" looked a little bigger. I was so excited at the prospect of this that I actually smiled. You know when you're by yourself and something makes you literally laugh out loud? That's what it was like when I smiled. I smiled out loud! Then I was freaked out because who is this girl that is smiling at the thought of being pregnant? Who is this girl that actually has a genuine smile? I haven't seen her in awhile.

Before I say anything else, I need to put down into words how crazy I am. These are the other symptoms I think I'm experiencing, (in order of appearance): More frequent urination (starting 2DPO), breaking out, sore nipples, food cravings (especially for salt), heavy breasts, tossing and turning more at night, and as of Wednesday morning, stuffy noses when I wake up. I could literally explain every one of these symptoms away. But I won't. I'm just going to let myself be content. The idea of pregnancy scares me more now than it ever has, for good reason, but I never thought that I could be even remotely not depressed when TTC again, so I'm going to enjoy it.

Since the increase in vitamins I was told to take, I counted out that I take 8 pills a day. How ridiculous is that?? Here is a picture of everything. From top to bottom: Fish Oil, prenatal, B12, folic acid (4), and baby aspirin. I'll be adding daily shots of Lovenox on top of this when I'm pregnant again. I really hope this helps. It will so be worth it if it does.

I also decided to make my own memorial jewelry. After seeing some necklaces I really liked online, I decided I didn't want to by a $30+ necklace. I don't want to get something hand stamped and then have another loss. If I do ever get anything with names on it, it will be one day when I'm done having children so all their names can be on it. I thought to myself "I can do that!" Turns out I only kind of can. Even the simple necklaces I made were a little difficult. After buying all the materials (I had no jewelry making stuff) it ended up being around $30 anyway! BUT, I got two necklaces out of it.

They have November and April birthstones for the months my babies came into this world. My two fallen leaves. They have caused my world to spiral, but my love for them keeps my feet steady...most days.

I've also been knitting a throw. I was motivated by a friend who crocheted a large throw in my wedding colors as a wedding gift. However, I think I made a huge mistake! This throw is going to take me forever to finish. I read online about some women doing similar patterns and it took them less than 20 hours. I have knitted for hours at a time for a month, though I was watching tv which definitely slows me down, and have mere inches of this blanket! If I hadn't put so much time into it already I would quit and start a new one using bigger needles or thicker yarn, which would make it go much faster. One day, in a few years when I finish it, it will look really nice on our new couch, which will also be a few years old by then. I'll have to take a picture of it soon so I can document my progress, as slow as it may be.

For now, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied and distracted. I don't want to stress myself out so much thinking about financial and health implications associated with having another baby. I don't want to obsess so much about getting pregnant. Easier said than done. Of course, I've already satisfied my POAS craving too early. I hate seeing a BFN but once I've done it, it's easier to for me to wait. Is that weird? Part of me cannot believe that I'm pregnant, so the result supports my thought and I am content to wait for true confirmation. The rest of me hopes more than anything that I'm pregnant. I guess we shall see soon. Tomorrow is 11DPO, the day before my expected AF, and I think I will test again.