Not this year

Well, I tested today and got a BFN. After the last two days I expected it. On Saturday I had some pink spotting. I was really hoping it was just implantation bleeding since I was only 8DPO. Then I had some uncomfortable lower back and abdominal cramping all day. That made me think of the fact that I wasn't peeing as much as I had been. Then of course I had to check and see if my nipples were still sensitive. While they were still sensitive, they didn't seem nearly as tender as they had been just the day before.

I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.

AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.

As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.

I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?